Month: August 2014

INTERNET — Ebola deaths are mounting across the United States as blood vessels hemorrhage and corpses bloat and turn purple. After President Obama ordered Ebola patients brought into the US, Snowden reports Obama signed a secret executive order rubber stamped by FISA courts to issue a media blackout preventing any reporting on the spread of the disease in the homeland. Untold thousands are already dead, but we’re reporting FEMA military forces descend on the victims and seal them in plastic coffins while they’re still alive.

Some analysts, like Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, believe these bodies are being collected while alive for a final crop dusting of the human population, “It takes only ten thousand bloated Ebola corpses, liquefied and sprayed in the atmosphere, to kill off 90 percent of the world’s population. And that’s what they’ve been gunning for all along. If this Ebola spreads just that far, that will be the end for most humans,” Dr. Troubador warned, adding, “Blacks, Hispanics, and Asians are most susceptible to Ebola and will die off in the greatest numbers, leaving whites in command of the entire planet. This is a culture war.”

We reached Homeland security and spoke to them about the Ebola outbreak coverup in the US. Spokesperson Jeremy Scarhill nodded slowly and half-smiled, saying, “No comment.”

INTERNET — After interviewing conscripts for the Israeli Defense Forces and visiting a Palestinian smuggler’s tunnel, Sean Hannity reversed his long-standing support for Israel. With tears and a distant look in his eyes, Hannity told viewers, “These tunnels are well constructed and clean, nothing like the mud holes I expected. I realized that for a sophisticated system like this, there must be a terrible, constant, collective hunger and isolation somewhere on the other hellish side. I thought of walking all the way through, even though the tunnel was collapsed. I remembered what Christ said about the meek and I re-evaluated my entire philosophy — every day I stand up and defend the strong, the powerful, the rich and the safe, but from now on I will be a defender of the weak in the example of Christ. I have always spoke from my heart, and not just to appeal to the folks at home. I know this may not be a popular point of view, but God bless those Palestinian children.”

As the Israeli genocide in ghetto Gaza reaches new levels of inhumanity, it seems even the most staunch supporters of Israel are backing down. Hannity’s shocking reversal has all the hallmarks of a religious conversion, but some see the move as calculated. Palestinian blogger Farid Arafat said, pointedly, “It is wonderful, the things he said, but I suspect his viewers to have changed his mind for him.”

VICE NEWS — We went into the heart of China’s Cancer Villages and shoved cameras into the pained faces of villages of people living out slow deaths, and we even brought Shoenice along to eat some of the tainted street food outside the lead foundry. But that was just the twenty minutes we showed you in our insipid exploitative voyeuristic documentary, an unjust fraction of the pestilence we saw. I spent one night in the Cancer Village and have since developed an acute brain tumor that will kill me. I am incredibly ashamed I didn’t identify the people I interacted with there as true human beings, actual living entities with as many layered meanings to their lives as my own. I can’t stop thinking of the bum I filmed, sleeping in the streets of Chernobyl. Now I am him.

I burned the documentary of my own story and the camera that I filmed it on because I don’t want people to see me like that, as if peering in at me through a keyhole. I felt even worse for those I’d exploited for the sake of profits and yuks, and I thought of following Ayn Rand’s philosophy and burning down Vice News. Instead, I’ve decided to write for Chronicle.SU, and have leveraged a good plan through Obamacare to pay for LSD and Heroin as I document my death.

Cancer’s a bummer, but a whole village of people with cancer is as quiet as death. I felt like I’d stepped into purgatory or hell, a kind of slow hell that God had forgotten, and I was an Atheist. Now I know better, thanks to my friends at Chronicle.su. I know soul and matter to be fused. Nothing’s just a feeling, or everything is, but none of that last gasp of metaphysical nonsense can transfer to you the change The Cancer Village gave to me. I thought of Vice as some kind of activism or beneficent reportage operation, but now I think it’s worse than celebrity tabloids because it goes after people who don’t want attention.