Categories
Obituaries

Emma Watson Dead at 24

Emma Watson drank bleach Monday evening shortly after 4chan hacked her iPhone and posted her nudes.
Emma Watson drank bleach Monday evening shortly after 4chan hacked her iPhone and posted her nudes.

INTERNET—Fans mourn for Emma Watson, star of Harry Potter, after she was found dead in her apartment in New York on Monday evening. After giving a speech at the UN about her support of feminism, the internet forum 4chan retaliated by hacking her iPhone and posting nude pictures they found of the starlet.

Watson drank a fatal amount of bleach after 4chan carried out a merciless hacking and stalking campaign, reminding many of the story of Amanda Todd. However, experts say the extent of the capabilities of Todd’s tormentors were limited compared to the “shockingly sophisticated and terrifying” attack that seems to have caused Watson to so rapidly commit suicide.

4chan recently went through yet another great schism, with many leaving the community of so-called imageboards for another called 8chan.org, which promised to allow more freedom of speech after 4chan banned repetitive and worn-out postings against “Social Justice Warriors.” In the past, 4chan has had other disputes and separations, often based on what are now called “waifus,” or iconic images of beautiful young women such as Boxxy captioned with expressive, gestural words. In the past, the overuse of the Boxxy waifu caused a similar schism.

Emma Watson was the most beloved waifu at 4chan, so this depraved and violent attack has caused many to question whether or not 4chan has been infiltrated by outsiders. Some nascent Reddit men’s rights and dating advice groups, festering hives of lightly-veiled misogynistic ideology, believe that Social Justice Warriors are a dominant cultural force that must be resisted. Feminists, they believe, have done many terrible things such as turn America into a weaker country and shift power unfairly towards women in all sectors of life.

Until these Reddit groups emerged, most of this kind of lingo and ideology was simply not present on 4chan, or at least unformed, so many experts agree that either the ideas are bleeding over from Reddit, or that Reddit is intentionally pushing them on 4chan in an agenda that matches the ideology: Because there is such a thing as a Social War, it must be fought through the propagation of ideas, and in the case of Emma Watson, with violent and menacing threats and computer hacking.

Categories
World

Coca Cola says “Share a Coke with the Islamic State”

BAGHDAD—Coca Cola issued its most provocative political message yet in a piece of viral marketing featuring a Coke labeled “Share a Coke with ISIS.”

Coca Cola disseminated this piece of viral marketing along with a message of peace for the Islamic State.

Coca Cola’s marketing director Jen Stamois said, “We aren’t endorsing terrorism or condemning the latest campaign to suppress the Islamic State. We simply want to share a Coke with ISIS because we think there’s always a chance for peace and goodwill towards all religions, if only for the few minutes we take every day to drink a refreshing Coke.”

Peace Activists, however, understood the advertising campaign as a message against the latest conflagration of Islamophobia and its purpose for the Military Industrial Complex.

Others, such as commenters on NPR’s Planet Money, instead calculated just how many smart bombs it will take to make a worthwhile return for defense investors.

However, Coke’s campaign to share their beverage with the Islamic State is not without boots on the ground. Armored convoys, provided by the private defense contractors at Blackwater (Academi) are distributing Coke and dodging IEDs in parts of Syria and Iraq taken by ISIS.

One convoy arrived at Mount Sinjar Sunday morning, providing the starving Yazidis with an endless stream of cheap Coca Cola.

Categories
Sports

American footballer “very sorry” for whatever he did

Miami, Fla.—NFL Hall-of-Famer Joe DeRouda expressed remorse Saturday for his participation in a videotaped gang-rape which took place at the Miami Hilton during regular season.

A video leaked earlier this week depicts a man bearing DeRouda’s resemblance, hunched over his underage victim, savagely penetrating her every orifice, and shouting, “I bet $2,000 you ain’t never tasted no dick like Joe DeRouda’s!”

Later in the clip a man, who asked not to be named, claims he was honored to “rape with the best of them; that is, you, Joe DeRouda.”

“Jumpin’ Joe DeRouda was once famously credited with revolutionizing football with the invention of a power-play known as the “Blitzkrieg Anal-Gaper,” named for its ability to split a defensive line down the middle, leaving opponents incoherent and stunned.

DeRouda said his enthusiasm during the alleged intercourse, if it was in fact him, would have been “misplaced.” He said if he did participate in the group sex caught on film, then he did not know the girl was underage, and believed she was only pretending to have not yet learned how to read.

“She kept calling out for Daddy,” DeRouda said, “and I was like, ‘Bitch, Daddy right here.’”

DeRouda said raping children is not something he does regularly, and understands the league’s decision to bench him for the duration of the first game of next season.

NFL Hall-of-Famer “Jumpin” Joe DeRouda was unfortunately filmed raping a child.
NFL Hall-of-Famer “Jumpin” Joe DeRouda was unfortunately filmed raping a child.

“Other than this one single instance of gruesome rape – I know I looked comfortable, like I spin a lot of plates and this is just a piece of ass to get me from Houston to Baltimore, but it was really, really unfortunate it was caught on tape, out of context as it was – I have never done this any other time, when there wasn’t a camera in the room. And I know the NFL looks down on videotaped domestic violence, and I respect their choice to make me sit out a game or two until this blows over. The DeRouda Legacy has penetrated a lot more than just a child, though, and that’s a legacy that I know all my fans are gonna remember.”