Month: January 2015

Categories
Entertainment

Michael Jackson ‘spotted in Afghanistan’

Reports of Michael Jackson in Afghanistan suggest he could prey on vulnerable children.
Eyewitness reports from Afghanistan suggest a tall, pale white figure is taking advantage of vulnerable youth.

KABUL, Afghanistan — Strange new reports from American intelligence officials in Afghanistan suggest the sudden appearance of an unlikely face among the turmoil. Legendary pop star and homosexual pedophile Michael Jackson, who is widely believed to have died from a heart attack at his Los Angeles home in 2009, was reportedly spotted in and around several small villages under control by emerging factions of the Islamic State, or ISIS.

ISIS, who recently suffered losses with the collapse of oil prices, have turned to human trafficking as a means of income, pulling in a remarkable $520 million in 2014. Among their customers are major governmental figureheads, from British MPs to American diplomats, and even celebrities. Classified intelligence reports suggest the appearance at “human trade shows” of a tall, pale white man who never speaks.

An anonymous source inside the CIA told the Internet Chronicle he has firsthand evidence Jackson is taking advantage of the fog of war throughout several despotic gaps in the Kandahar region of Afghanistan, one of the deadliest and most easily exploited provinces in the Middle East.

Experts predict that after five years without medical care, Jackson’s plastic surgery has likely suffered gross deterioration. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, of the Los Angeles School of Cosmetic Surgery and Design, said he believes there is a good chance Jackson’s sandblasted face has taken on a new, unknown form.

“His face could appear weathered, pock-marked and cratered,” Troubadour said, “He probably has changed so much he is no longer recognizable, which would give him a staggering advantage over his prey.”

Conspiracy theories already emerging suggest Jackson, compelled by an insatiable lust for child sex, faked his own death and even allowed his personal doctor to face jailtime, to go onto a permanent sex vacation, walking the earth until he “ascends to take his throne in the great big Neverland Ranch in the sky.”

Categories
Obituaries

Slavoj Zizek dead at 65

Slavoj Žižek showed signs of cocaine addiction for several years leading up to his death.
Slavoj Žižek showed signs of cocaine addiction for several years leading up to his death.

Ljubljana, Slovenia — Fans mourn the loss of 65-year-old Marxist commentator Slavoj Žižek, who lost his lifelong battle with cocaine addiction Monday.

Though he was not considered by intellectuals to be a “true” philosopher, which bothered him deeply, Žižek was regarded by his following as a forward thinker and a master in his field.

He gained notoriety as a Communist editorial writer during the liberalization of former Yugoslavia under Tito – where his drug habit began – and later played himself in screenplays “The Pervert’s Guide to Cinema” and “The Pervert’s Guide to Ideology.”

Žižek was found alone in his Ljubljana flat where he was confirmed dead. Paramedics on the scene told reporters he appeared to be coated in a fine dust, “presumably cocaine,” one witness said.

Sources close to Žižek who asked that their names be withheld said he had grown cold and distant.

Slavoj Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of cocaine abuse, including "coke nose."
Slavoj Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of cocaine abuse, including “coke nose.”

The source said Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of drug abuse during public appearances at universities and forums. Eccentric mannerisms – his wild, swinging hands, half-hour tangents and long, unending chains of run-on clauses – are just a few examples, while publicists and MCs blamed his constantly running nose on “allergies” to spare him any indignity.

“Talking to Slavoj was like talking to someone through six inches of bulletproof glass,” the source told chronicle.su. “He said he understood our concerns, but his lost, vacant eyes told another story.”

Žižek’s editors complained his writing had become scattered and disjointed. McGraw-Hill told the Internet Chronicle that Žižek often repeated himself throughout his copy, and that editors sometimes used the Microsoft Windows command ‘ctrl+f’ to highlight and revise countless instances of repetition. In a single draft, Žižek was rumored to have used the word “Hegelian” more than 2,000 times.

Royalties from Žižek’s various works are expected to go to Jela Krečič, his wife. The family has asked the media to respect their privacy in this difficult and uncertain time.

Categories
Entertainment

Charles Manson breaks silence on #GamerGate: ‘Look at your game, girl’

2009 screenshot from Manson's canceled reality TV show Manson Family Values.
2009 screenshot from Manson’s canceled reality TV show ‘Manson Family Values.’

INTERNET — After waiting for Internet Shitstorm of the Year to die down, the scariest man in Hollywood, Charles Manson has finally cast his characteristically centered, and thought-out opinion on a divisive row taking place between #TheRedPill-ers, who fight for men’s rights, and so-called Social Justice Warriors, who fight for everyone else’s rights.

“We’re all trying to play the game, alright,” Manson said. “We’re all ‘gamers’ here, and the reason we play the game, ladies, it ain’t because we like the game,” Manson said. “It’s because you started it. It’s because you chose to play the game.”

Manson told Phil Donahue in a January 5 interview the #GamerGate row is about ethics in gaming journalism. Manson described the struggle as a “sad, sad” and “mad” game. Manson said men have every right to feel threatened by the presence of women in the videogame journalism industry. Women are natural gamers, he said.

“Look at your game, girl,” Manson said. “What a mad delusion, living in that confusion. Frustration. Doubt. Can you ever live without the game?”

Manson, who was recently married to the 25-year-old based Afton Burton, said that in the nearly 50 years he has spent playing the game, little has changed. He said inability to focus on the truth at hand could destroy peace efforts, and might even lead to heartache.

“Can you feel?” he asked. “Are those feelings real? If you can’t feel, and the feelings ain’t real, then you better stop trying,” Manson said, “or you’re gonna play cryin’. Stop tryin’ or you’re gonna play cryin’. That’s the game. Sad, sad game. Mad game. Sad game.”