Modified Zika Virus outbreak linked to US Navy’s darknet

INTERNET — Snowden came forward Sunday with shocking details of a plan by the US Navy to infect mothers in enemy countries with a modified virus that creates pinheaded subhuman babies for future enslavement.

Reporters Frank Mason and Ralph Haetsch met with Edward Snowden inside a custom built Faraday enclosure in Moscow’s Red Square, in which the NSA whistleblower resides permanently. The thin mesh cage of activated steel supposedly separates Snowden from certain microwave annihilation and manipulation via HAARP broadcast. Snowden’s health has begun to deteriorate due to the permanent confinement, and visitors wear masks to prevent themselves from catching his worsening cough.

Snowden’s telepresence at various functions in America has funded an otherwise lavish, futuristic lifestyle. By cleverly looping footage, feigning network downtime, and maintaining nine active laptops, Snowden hopes to one day spread the message of a free and democratic Internet to every village in the world. But for today’s announcement, Snowden powered down all his computers and gave Internet Chronicle reporters his full attention.

Snowden cleared his swollen throat and spoke in a somber, hushed voice, “When Glenn Greenwald told you the best was yet to come, he meant it. The Zika Virus is part of a nascent genetic discipline system in development by the United States Navy.”

Muttering and coughing as he outlined the connection between Tor and the genetic weaponry, Snowden suddenly found his voice and spoke with total clarity, “The modified Zika virus and its specially engineered carrier mosquito were developed with the use of a distributed supercomputer piggybacking on the popular darknet nodes of Tor. It’s not anything anyone would ever see in the source code, it’s hiding in the advanced math. A few specially designed rogue nodes seed the crypto network causing it to solve problems related to creating genetic weaponry like the Zika virus.”

Snowden croaked, on the verge of tears, “4,000 children in Brazil were genetically modified by the US Navy’s weapon, transforming babies into what internal documents call ‘slave stock’. Genetic weaponry has been deployed for the first time on the populations of South America.”

Haetsch asked Snowden if he would end public support for the Navy’s darknet, Tor, which incidentally enables such horrific genetic warfare, but Snowden only doubled down on his previous position. “You should still use Tor. If you’re a dissident you need cover, it is still the only fully scalable and effective Crypto out there. It saved my life, and it could save yours.”