Come in the other room, audience, come on. It’s serious time now. Quit fucking around in your bedroom and come out here and join the family. It’s time to fucking act like somebody.
INTERNET—The man who was caught on camera snatching a hat off a young boy at the US Open held a press conference to say he made a huge mistake after a weekend clip of the incident went viral.
Piotr Szczerek, a Polish chief executive of a consonant firm, said he was “convinced” tennis star Kamil Majchrzak had been “passing his hat in my direction.”
“That was intended for me,” the Polish guy said. “I know I did something that seemed like consciously collecting a memento from a child, but look at the shape of my skull. I order all my sandwiches from the hardware store.”
The video, taken during Majchrzak’s match on Thursday, shows the tennis player offering his cap to a child, before Szczerek appears to take it.
Versions of the clip were shared widely on social media, prompting criticism of the chief executive’s actions.
The 50-year-old manchild’s lawyer wrote him a statement, which he posted to social media Monday: “I would like to unequivocally apologise to the injured boy, his family, as well as all the fans and the player himself.”
Little does it matter, this story won’t stick because no one can remember or even pronounce the offender’s name.
“I’m already in so much trouble, in hindsight,” Szczerek said, “I should have taken the ball, too.”
The boy was approached by US Open officials after the incident in their bid to make things right. Unfortunately, at the last minute, a woman from Philadelphia dove in front of officials, snatching the swag bag and autographed tennis ball from the child, arguing that it was never intended for him and that consolation prizes are “fair game.”
…and that concludes our story, dear reader. What? You think you could do better? You think you can write satire? Right! You fucking little worm! You couldn’t execute absurdity if it was an Israeli hostage. Now go lay down.