Flat-earth cult doubles down on child marriage, child recruitment

At the scummy bottom of TikTok’s darkest reaches, X-rated shows from flat-earth promoters bounce back and forth between a few dozen ban evading moral monsters who want to teach children that the government, their parents, doctors, and teachers are all lying to them about everything.

“The globers used to be the ones crashing out,” Nicci the flat-earther whined. “We need to move past this op,” she sneered, “and it is an op, it is a fake thing that they’ve done to us.”

Official harassment and abuse alerts bounce across the screen as dunces who didn’t complete high school curse while performing physics demonstrations, sometimes waving empty toilet paper tubes full of trash or gesticulating at disc-shaped lids hanging on a fence. Calculations are scratched into tattered notebooks, freehand geometry spelling out illegible hatreds and angular fears.

“My grandaddy married meemaw when she was 14, are you gonna say he’s a pedophile? You really gonna say that about my grandaddy?” Shape Commander’s bold challenge was met with stunned silence.

Previously a minor figure, Shape has catapulted to infamy over the past weeks, platformed by flat-earthers for countless uninterrupted hours to push his various abhorrent views. Shape’s central fear is that the white race will be replaced by “sub-Saharans” and should instead revert into a state of nature conceptualized as ultimate barbarity, even targeting young girls like his meemaw for the purpose of increasing white survivability.

“People are just machines,” Wizard the Healer of Gods told listeners, “and women are babymaking machines,” He ranted in defense of Shape, lockstep with the general flat-earth community. Wizard admitted that he recently served time for menacing his wife, family, and police by breaking dining plates with his psychic powers during a domestic call. Neither he nor the immediate flat-earth community see anything wrong with this as he purchased the plates with his own money, and they were his to break.

In spite of being 6,000 years old and possessing telekinetic abilities, Wizard’s repertoire is limited to accusing others of psychological projection and calling them Nazis. “If you can convince someone of the flat earth, you can convince them of anything,” Shape Commander famously proclaimed, tacitly admitting that the flat-earth is no more than a sugar-coating for his poisoned fascist pill.

While resistance to this deranged form of extremist bigotry hasn’t yet catalyzed into the highly funded, well-organized counter-movement of the flat-earth’s paranoid waking dream, memes and humor remain the best cure for their fear and lies. “Globecrusher,” a prominent flat-earth TikTok host, is embroiled in “swolegate” after he was caught red handed photoshopping his face onto a bodybuilder with a physique he could only dream of achieving. Considering the dark direction focusing on children, such petty and vain lies are a light interlude for the ghastly horrors unraveling just next door.

Enoch of TikTok, treated like a God among flat-earthers, rides his bike into the show as the shirtless cool guy, pamphleteering flat-earth schlock with his big evil off-leash dog sniffing at passing baby carriages like dogdishes and sending women running in fear. He’ll kill his way onto smaller flat-earth lives and admin abuse the show to death with muting and bullying, sailing right out once it’s taken a few hits for harassment and is reduced to dead air.

Better known as Nathan Edward Thompson, Enoch’s fame is proof-positive that his reputation as a child-targeting predatory creep is actually a benefit for his reputation with the flat-earth community. In 2020, Thompson was arrested after screaming at children in the playground of a local elementary school, expressing the intent to “flat-smack” them. He remains among the most influential and respected leaders of the flat-earth community due to his record of targeting children.

“We need to start blackmailing the anti-flat-earthers. They’re like, the type to have hard drives full of furry stuff and you just like, tell them to stop and if they don’t we’ll just ruin their lives, man,” Thompson muttered in anger, balling his fist up tightly, a solitary crocodile tear running down his cheek. Finances are not looking too bright for the grifters at the top of the flat-earth pyramid.

“Oh we won’t convince this generation, but the next one will be for the flat-earth, I’m sure of that,” Spoiled Foil yowled, vocals fried like a fish at Long John Silver’s. Foil’s sister has had to cut ties with her, the 16-hour-per-day flat-earth obsession ruining all attempts at authentic communication and sisterhood. Foil is among the most respected flat-earthers, the alienation from her family only serving as another mark of pride and advancement into the highest levels of the evil cult.

But now that the flat-earth cult is shrinking its most heinous zealots are desperate, willing to take more risks and get more explicit with their goals. “They’re still a growing threat to our children, so we’re going to do to them what we did to Scientology, and maybe much more,” a representative for the Anonymous hacker collective told the Internet Chronicle, “We won’t say when, we won’t say how, but let’s just say they will soon find it quite impossible to spread divisive messages of hate and distrust. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.”