Anders Behring Breivik: A different kind of terrorist

Anders Breivik is a different kind of terrorist, born and bred in a typical suburban setting. His personal log is littered with ridiculous emoticons and netspeak, often departing on long-winded diatribes about how necessary it is for a revolutionary to practice thrift. Yet Breivik was unable to complete his terror attack without maxing out 10 credit cards and falling into debt with the fertilizer company. Still, Breivik maintained a bizarrely lavish lifestyle that he wrote about in great detail. After reading through his journal, I can only conclude that it’s a miracle the guy killed a single person. The man chronicles his own idiocy extensively yet truly expects to be remembered as a hero. Evil? No. He’s just the stupidest man in existence. While this all might seem like a bad joke, I assure you this story is taken from Breivik’s personal journal, a part of 2083: A European Declaration of Independence.

On August 2, 2010, Anders Breivik pulled into Prague driving a dumpy-looking Hyundai Atos he purchased just for this trip, in the hopes that it would not draw attention. He had heard Prague was a great place for the illegal weapons trade, and he meant to buy an AK-47, a 9mm Glock, 4 frag grenades and armor piercing ammunition. However, he only acquired two hookers and never made connections with arms dealers. “The people I approached got really nervous and thought I was either a cop or completely nuts, lol.” Brievik, an extreme conservative christian, justified his sexual indiscretions in the light of his holy intentions to purchase arms, “…screwing around outside of marriage is after all a relatively small sin compared to the huge amounts of grace I am about to generate with my martyrdom operation.” Breivik also praised the relative safety of Prague. The only criminals in Prague, he noted, were Christian and not Muslim. He described the trip as fun, and decided it had not been a complete waste. However, he did bemoan the death of his precious iPod on the drive home.

Brievik ended up buying weapons through legal channels in Norway, and showed his sense of humor when describing the application for the purchase of a Ruger Mini 14 semi-automatic rifle, “… I stated: ‘hunting deer’. It would have been tempting to just write the truth; ‘executing category A and B cultural Marxists/multiculturalist traitors’ just to see their reaction:P” Like every other stage of his operation, Breivik spared absolutely no expense in outfitting his rifle, ordering an 800 Euro silencer and a 400 Euro custom stock. Breivik also purchased 99% pure nicotine from China that he intended to inject into hollow point bullets, for a poisonous effect. After he received the poison in the mail, he never mentioned it again. Breivik’s order for the silencer fell through because of a logistical problem, but he always looked at the bright side of things, “The only bonus I guess is that by eliminating the silencer aspect allows me to order and equip a bayonet instead. So I guess; “Marxist on a stick” will soon become an exclusive Knights Templar Europe trademark:D.”

Breivik often chronicled intense steroid-fueled weight lifting sessions, which were an escape from the hard work of preparing the terror attack. “I’m in the middle of another steroid cycle at the moment, training hard to exceed my 92 kg record from July. I’m currently at 90 kg and hope to reach at least 95 kg. Perhaps ill even reach 100 kg before I end the cycle in 4 week’s time!:-)” Breivik also enjoyed the television serial, Dexter, during this period. He found it “Quite hilarious.”

When Brievik began acquiring the ingredients for bomb-making, his resolve seemed to falter. He kept his morale up by rewarding himself with World of Warcraft: Cataclysm. During this time, he took a temporary break from steroids to focus on learning the art of bomb-making. The call of steroids seemed to be too much for Brievik to resist.

Breivik began another ‘steroid cycle’ and spent 12 entire days working on this terrible video. He was somewhat unhappy with the final product’s resolution, which is understandable because of the massive walls of unreadable tiny text. During this time, he acquired a higher rank in the Freemasons but stopped attending meetings to finish his terror plot.

Breivik continued having second thoughts about his project and wrote about how the world will view him. He imagined his life after the attack. “When I wake up at the hospital, after surviving the gunshot wounds inflicted on me, I realize at least for me personally, I will be waking up to a world of shit, a living nightmare.” However, Breivik dreamed wistfully of future deportation of Marxists to Turkey, and seemed to think he’d be viewed as a hero, in the long run.

Breivik was forced to sell his beloved watch and pen for 2000 Euros as his initial capital began to dry up. It’s around this time that Breivik began his first explosives manufacturing. He struggled with simple tasks like crushing aspirin pills, opting to bash them between plastic sheets with a dumbbell rather than using a common household blender. It didn’t work. This insanity was likely a result of the steroids. After this early failure, Brievik became despondent and wrote, “I went a restaurant in the northern town that evening and enjoyed a three course meal. I later watched a few episodes of ‘the Shield’.” It appears that such lavish expenses were equally important to Breivik’s plot as the explosives themselves.

In May, Brievik began the most intensive part of his operation, maxing out 3 credit cards to pay for the lease on a beet farm and rent a Fiat Doblo. Leasing the farm was necessary because Brievik still needed a huge supply of fertilizer to complete his bombs. The farm doubled as a rural location well-suited for covert bomb-making activities. Brievik moved to the farm and began earnest work on the bombs. Brievik became severely paranoid at this stage of his operation, and noted several close calls with military units, police officers and neighbors.  He packed a backpack with survival supplies and came up with a laughable plan to escape into the wilderness.

Truly insane at this point, Brievik spent 750 Euros on a dumbbell set to crush the fertilizer pellets, hoping for better results than he got with the aspirin. Like before, it didn’t work. Predictably, he went to a restaurant and bought another three course meal in celebration of his insane stupidity. The idea of using a food processor dawned on Brievik a second time, and he followed through. He purchased 12 different blenders for testing and found that Electrolux made the best brand. The next day, he drove from city to city, purchasing 6 of the extremely rare Electrolux blenders. Brievik finally had the set up he needed to produce real explosives.

Then one night the power went out, frying Brievik’s computer – an extremely essential part of his operation. He prayed to God for help, or rather, told God what needed to happen, “I explained to God that unless he wanted the Marxist-Islamic alliance and the certain Islamic takeover of Europe to completely annihilate European Christendom within the next hundred years he must ensure that the warriors fighting for the preservation of European Christendom prevail. He must ensure that I succeed with my mission and as such; contribute to inspire thousands of other revolutionary conservatives/nationalists; antiCommunists and anti-Islamists throughout the European world.” Three days later he had his first successful detonation, and celebrated with a three course meal. He told God who was who.

Brievik began to run low on funds again and withdrew the maximum amount of cash from ten credit cards to continue his operation. Nevertheless, he was late on the payments for the fertilizer and the rent on his farm. Suffering from the effects of steroid withdrawal, Brievik drove to Oslo to acquire more steroids. He took this opportunity to program his bomb delivery route on his Garmin GPS.

Brievik had buried a cache of body armor and steroids in a remote location, using a highly expensive and advanced water-tight chest to keep it in top condition. He dug this up in the July heat, wearing a heavy poncho and sweating profusely. Luckily, he was able to hydrate himself with his camel-back.

Having developed an entire process for manufacturing explosives, Brievik now set to work mass-producing the final bombs he would use in his terror attack. His plan was in full-swing, and he continued to reward himself for his hard work with large doses of steroids, candy, and delicate foodstuffs. As his respirator and safety gear began to fail, Brievik mentioned that he attempted to off-set potential poisoning by taking herbal supplements.

His log ended with mysterious statements about mineral extraction, investors and the ominous statement, “First coming costume party this autumn, dress up as a police officer. Arrive with insignias:-) Will be awesome as people will be very astonished:-)”