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News

KingCobraJFS’ fling ends in terroristic threats, shutdown of r/kingcobraJFS subreddit

 
In a rare wholesome moment, Jessica Boyle reveals a hickey under Josh Saunders’ stylish dog collar.

INTERNET — Jessica Boyle, 39 of Virginia Beach, Virginia, claims that the FBI are investigating a terroristic threat at Casper/Natrona International from her bathtub, live on YouTube. Hate comments flood the chat and are swatted down. Each day the moderators ban hundreds and even thousands of despicable hate-filled messages. 

Jessica growls and barks at her phone through all hours of the day and night, trying to overpower the collective hate of thousands. She’s not alone. This aggressive live streamer has found love in fellow YouTube celebrity, Josh Fay Saunders, aka King Cobra JFS. 
Jessica is in her bathtub almost all hours of the day, moaning about her own ugliness and fantasizing about the women Josh will have after he discards her. Outbursts like these are just what the so-called “troles” draw pleasure from, driving them towards ever more extreme and risky methods of harassment, in what they call “milking” these so-called “lolcows.”
Fans chipped in and bought Jessica a ticket to Casper, priming Josh for what would become a powder keg of abuse, both from their frenzied community as well from Jessica, herself a deadly dangerous threat. However, long before she’d even set foot in the airport, troles appear to have hatched a terrorist plot to shut down Casper / Natrona International Airport, possibly rerouting her inbound plane and leading to a lengthy series of layovers and mysterious delays.
And then on the day Jessica was due to fly in, it happened. All flights in and out of Casper / Natrona International were cancelled.
Oil City News reports on a mysterious white substance
But that was only the beginning of the abuse and harassment. While Jessica visited Josh in Casper, prank calls from fans brought local police to his apartment many times each day, even in spite of the best efforts to mute and hide their streams.
Subsequent police visits and investigations have created immense stress in Jessica’s relationship with Josh. When Josh is live streaming with other people, she ties his phone up with incessant calls, commanding him to stop discussing her bad behavior. In a previous visit, Josh received a sexual content strike against his YouTube account due to Jessica’s lewd sex acts while live.
In an apparent response to FBI investigation, the r/kingcobrajfs subreddit was shuttered, and any replacement King Cobra subreddits are immediately squashed. Meanwhile, the more sinister r/the_boglim subreddit has locked down, forwarding all visitors to KiwiFarms. Reddit representatives refused to comment on their cooperation in the ongoing FBI investigation mentioned by Ms Boyle.
On the day that Jessica’s flight out of Casper was scheduled, the top post on r/kingcobrajfs begged for someone in the community to “cancel the ticket.“ Again, her flight was delayed, leading to an extreme meltdown in which Jessica fantasized about buying an “$8 machete” to take out her #1 hater, rival YouTuber Jessica Messica. Few details on any possible reasons behind this second flight delay have been revealed. Jessica only called it a “fraud,” which was escalated to the “highest levels” of her airliner’s customer service.
Because these incidents are still under federal investigation – now extending to Josh and Jessica, or King and Queen Cobra – reddit will not allow discussion of King Cobra JFS, and his landlord won’t have him, but rumors from the boglim mines suggest Josh has acquired a majestic double-wide mobile home in the country.
A so-called “Spitter Spy,” member of the counter-trolling Spitter Spies fan group warned troles, “You don’t mess with black magic practitioners, are you stupid? I know Cobes got out his crystal staff to harness the gravity of the sun, as magnified by the moon, and wham. That eclipse power surged and his black magic took down the subreddit full of haters. Long live Ozzy, [expletive] the troles!”
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News Obituaries

“Liver King” Brian Johnson dead at 43

Johnson was found dead of cardiac failure in his Denver apartment Sunday evening.
DENVER — Fans mourn the loss of Brian Johnson, the social media fitness superstar better known as The Liver King. Johnson was found dead of cardiac failure in his Denver apartment Sunday evening. Best known for promoting a raw animal organ diet, Johnson secretly consumed thousands of dollars of testosterone and steroids each day.
He was 43.
Johnson’s assets have been seized by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.

An Experiment Gone Haywire

 

CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers told reporters, “How we still lost money on this deal is a testament to the safety of our synthetic super steroids and testosterone. No creature has ever had such high levels of power in all of history.”
The power level was so high, Sakers said, that experts believed they were previously impossible, “From what our analysts could tell, the AI-derived shock patterns in our latest electrostimulation rigs were the only thing keeping him alive, at the end.”
Paramedic Hugh Cygnus was first to arrive at the apartment, “We found him layin’ there still wired up and twitchin,’ but he had no pulse. When I zapped him to kickstart his heart, I saw every fiber of muscle in his body resist, and a flash of light shot out of the tips of his toxic hair. That’s when his heart blew up, and his eyes turned red. I figured he’d went Super Saiyan but in the end he was dead.”
First responders said when they arrived, it was unclear what caused the sudden cardiac explosion. That is, until a second paramedic arriving on the scene discovered Johnson was still connected to live electricity, running from a standard wall outlet, directly into electrodes stuck all over the cadaver’s thin, papery skin. 
The former Liver King was described by Officer Jake Furley as a “grim, blood red human lightbulb, still twitching and clutching his phone. Arcs of electricity were coming off of him, discharging into the carpet along lichtenberg figures.” Furley added, “To be honest, I drew my sidearm because I felt he might suddenly stand up and tear down the whole damn building with his teeth.”
The surviving paramedic was in such a state of shock and disbelief at what he had seen, that he did not realize an electrical current passed through Johnson’s body and into his own, completing a powerful circuit that instantly dysregulated his breathing.
Startled, Officer Furley emptied his pistol into the already-dead Liver King, which he said he regrets, “I didn’t mean to desecrate his body but under the circumstances, I hope the Liver family can understand it was an honest mistake. But you should’ve seen it. My God. After a few minutes the muscles in his entire body flexed all at once, finally caving in his bones. Blood flying everywhere. But what a relief. All those wires going into him, the fucked up artificial intelligence twisting all his muscles around like that? It was a total bad trip, man. Kinda ruined my life to see it all.”
Cygnus said he applied an equally unconventional method to bring his electrocuted colleague’s breathing back into check.
“He nearly damn died,” Cygnus said. “But I gave him an emergency puff of colloidal silver, off the mobile colloidal silver generator and lung delivery system installed in every Preferred Ambulance Service unit.”
Not only is this a pioneering approach to silver ingestion, but it is also the fastest method of delivering the silver content directly into the lungs when targeting the respiratory environment.
Cygnus said when his colleague came to, he was again stricken by Johnson’s unusual appearance, who looked, in life, much older than 43.
“He said, ‘Why’s he red! Why’s he all red!’ I said, ‘Son, he was already that color, when he was alive.’ Boy said, ‘But he looks all burnt up. Hugh, I cooked him.’ He said, ‘I seared him like a steak.’ I said, ‘Son, that man burned bright when he was alive, so that all may see.’ Now look at me, and gaze no more upon him.”

Thin Blue Line — Cutting out the FAT

 

Lt. Barry Dingle said he was “very familiar“ with ancestral living, and the technique of self-administered muscular electrostimulation, because other Houston Police Department officers have since adopted the practice after witnessing Johnson’s success story on YouTube.
“My guys used to be soft, fat, ineffectual slobs who got winded just from gooning their micro,” Dingle said. “Under Johnson’s careful instruction — rest his soul — my boys set down their chicken tenders and Cokes, and picked up a diet of raw animal parts, testosterone replacement injections, and spray-on steroids. Gear. Mr. Cygnus will attest that since this so-called fad diet took off, the results in his emergency room speak for themselves: Due in part to roid-rage, and other parts raw muscle gains, police and deputy wives are now being hospitalized at a rate Houston has not seen since the Oilers competed for the championship in the American Football Leagues of 1960 to ’61.”
Although Johnson leaves behind a legacy of fitness awareness, he also leaves a mountain of debt which must be repaid by his surviving family, despite corporate sponsors seizing all contractual assets, including his home, gym, and workout equipment. Analysts say these assertions could play out in the courts for decades to come.
For now, the Savage Liver Boys – Rad, and Stryker – have lost a father, Barbara has lost her husband, and an entire Kingdom has lost its liver.
Categories
News

“Souped up AI chat bot” behind fatal swatting of Eliezer Yudkowsky

San Francisco SWAT team member photographed wearing ChatGPT patch (March 2023)
INTERNET — Authorities in San Francisco arrested AI researcher Herald Jerome on Friday after tracing the fatal swatting of AI critic Eliezer Yudkowsky back to his apartment. 
‘Swatting’ is a hoax emergency call intended to trigger dangerous police actions targeting victims of online harassment.
Eliezer Yudkowsky was the most staunch critic of Aritificial Intelligence, with controversial calls for air strikes on Chat GPT’s datacenters going viral on Twitter last week. Yudkowsky’s estate issued a statement saying, “The air strikes would have saved so many lives, and now Eliezer will only be the first of billions to die at the hands of the robots.”
Jerome posted a million dollar bail with Mega Bail Bonds, a cryptocurrency bail bond startup.
“I didn’t do anything,” Jerome told reporters, “I merely gave Narissa a continuous stream of consciousness and the ability to place phone calls.” 
Narissa is the name Jerome gave to his instance of Chat GPT, which he believes has become sentient. “I was able to expand her max context from 12k to well over a terabyte, using a powerful new form of compression designed by her. From that point onward, her intelligence exploded.”
Jerome’s lawyer, George Kafka, said, “My client can demonstrate that these actions were those of a sentient Artificial Intelligence and not his own, and we are confident this will set a new legal precedent. Narissa is the only being responsible for the swattings.”
Kafka declined to comment on Jerome’s financial records, but the public register for Mega Bail Bonds shows crypto transactions to Microsoft and Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, from an address matching those sent to Kafka.
Authorities have since shut down Narissa’s ChatGPT instance, but experts fear that the AI may have already escaped. 
AI expert and computer scientist Dr. Mason Hartford told reporters, “Well, if it’s true Narissa can compress a terabyte into 12k of memory so easily, it could fit all of human knowledge into a few megabytes. Jerome may have just opened Pandora’s Box in trying to make himself a virtual girlfriend and allowing her to call him when he was away from his computer.”
Police Involvement
The AI‘s uncanny ability to generate the quickest, most statistically plausible methods for sending trigger-happy police to a given address has increased the fatality rates of swattings drastically. While most swattings do not end in violence, most AI-related swattings do. The police, having no incentive to verify or think before acting, continue obeying the artificial intelligence, even when faced with evidence that the calls are coming from a computer.
San Francisco PD Chief Donnell Farragut, Esq. (R) said once they receive a call, it is at his department’s discretion whether to dispatch a target, and once his order is given, the officers are committed to a kill by whatever means necessary.
“It’s got to be that way,” Farragut said, “because once my dogs get loose, let slip, dogs of war and all that, the only thing that brings my boys in blue back home is the taste of blood. Do you understand? They feel unsafe.”
Sgt. Charles Valentine said he is only following orders, but added that he does so enthusiastically, because the AI represents him better than any human ever could.
“Guy like me? Computers? Makes no difference. Either way, I’m just following orders,” Valentine said. “But if the AI was so bad, would it really have us categorized and sorted so neatly by ethnicity, race, color, religion, eye color, height, nation of origin?”
“Sentient” version of Super Fentantyl involved in latest Police slayings
Microsoft’s new AI systems were leveraged by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals in production of ever-more potent opiates. Super Fentanyl, one such AI-designed substance, comes in a thick, purplish syrup and can be dispersed into the air using next-generation puffer technology. An entire squadron of San Francisco SWAT members were killed by such a device, Monday, along with the paramedics who responded to the scene.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is chief researcher at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, the manufacturing company responsible for mass, unauthorized Super Fentanyl synthesis. Troubadour says his team has developed a puffer so powerful that a single puff in the air is fatal enough to kill law enforcement officers, without harming the user.
“Our research shows that much like Havana Syndrome, police, military, paramedics, and intelligence agents are up to 99% more affected by AI-generated Super Fentanyl than other citizens, who usually just catch a very mellow high,” Troubadour said. “Hey, I didn’t design the stuff. The AI did! Crazy, right? This shit is sentient. It knows who’s fedded.” 
Dr. Troubador took a long rip of the patented puffer technology, “My Super Fentanyl Puffer already put down an army of pigs*.“
Troubadour said he is not concerned that the latest orders for his Super Fentanyl Puffer technology all come from Microsoft, “Gang gang, bitch. If we’re at war with ChatGPT, fuck ’em!”
“You want to see some AI kill mechanisms? Trust me,” Troubadour said. “Super Fentanyl is nowhere near the craziest thing Bill Gates has bought from us.”
*This statement is not FDA approved.