Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — John Cena, twelve time heavyweight champion and professional wrestler for the WWE was found dead Wednesday morning. Investigators said Cena drank a gallon of bleach after cyberbullies targeted him with “life ruining” tactics and death hoaxes.

Detective Greg Samberg, who is investigating Cena’s case, issued a threat to the bullies at an impromptu press conference, saying, “We know who did this. We know where you live. We’re coming for you. You aren’t the real Anonymous.”

Cena was reportedly inundated with muscle-shaming messages belittling his physique and exploiting his most profound psychological weakness until he could no longer continue living. Fans of “trolling” often use such life ruining tactics on vulnerable young women, but it seems they have found easier targets in muscle-bound alpha males. One troll, known only as AnonymouSabu, said in a post on John Cena’s facebook, “It’s easier and more satisfying to destroy these big men who think they’re hot shit than weak teenage girls. OMG I’m never going back.”

INTERNET — Julian Assange came forward with documents hacked from the CIA cloud database which prove “beyond a shadow of a doubt” that extraterrestrials have been in contact with the CIA since 1973, when one of their ships appeared outside Skylab.

During launch, Skylab’s solar array was damaged as an aluminum heat shield was torn away. Because of under powered air conditioning and the lack of a heat shield, the faulty space station nearly cooked three astronauts alive. The aliens communicated using English, and aided the crew in deploying the damaged solar panel.

Astronaut Pete Conrad was quoted in the documents saying, “We were about to cook ourselves alive in there when that merciful ship parked itself in front of the sun. Such relief, I can hardly find words.”

During a spacewalk to repair the ship, Conrad also claimed to have been aided by the extraterrestrials, saying in one account, “When the solar panel opened, it really jumped open. I was catapulted hundreds of feet from the ship and knew I was a dead man. But I owe the aliens my life. They brought me back to Skylab.”

The CIA seized NASA’s control room and forced the astronauts to berate the aliens about their intentions. Conrad said, “When they wanted me to offer a possible alliance in all-out-war against Soviet Russia, that was where I drew the line. If I’d gone along with it, we may have had a different world.”

There’s little doubt about it — except in this article’s fake linkbait title — algorithm jamming is the present stage of the world’s most popularly viewed “art.”

An inhumanly vast body of algorithmically generated nonsense exists and exposes you to advertisers, an entertainment industry completely devoid of any entertainment but the shred that exists in the charged moments right before you click the linkbait and find substanceless infuriating gibberish.

Young women have deployed closeup shots of their décolletage to algorithm jam the video game part of YouTube, a haunt of hormonal teenage boys. This provided an impressive income for several young women, but earned them few fans. Outcry from the boys was so overwhelming, YouTube officials “improved” the algorithm, effectively ending these women’s new careers.

Algorithm jammers sometimes take a sick pleasure in building labyrinths of desired objects debased into infuriating meaninglessness, an act born of and giving birth to hate. The genuine container deceptively labeled with a desired object conjured by the algorithm jammer is filled with this hate and mass distributed.

There are thousands of “tributes” to jokes like this video. The audio track drops a crucial hint, “Money for nothing / Chicks for free”

Imitation food reviews of imitation food play through a never ending carnival of “novelty” products as intransitive as Burger King’s burger with fries inside the burger. Enormous images of food and faces eating food fill the frame. A string of automobiles powered by fat men eating burgers, riding in the wake of each fast food advertising campaign bobs by carelessly and is caught in the crest of an algorithm. Dare he take the wheel, and preach about the great future promised by Anonymous? Dare he fill his gut with words of bloody revolution, punk rock, and anarchy? Will he be wise enough to continue to label it Review of McDonald’s new Triple Big Mac?