David Miranda announced the UK’s ongoing cover-up of the Loch Ness Monster.
LONDON — After landing in Heathrow, Glenn Greenwild’s life partner David Miranda had his electronic devices confiscated and was cavity searched under UK terrorism law. Authorities accused Miranda of carrying documents that were intended to aid a terrorist organization.
Miranda held an impromptu press conference with Greenwild, telling reporters, “The files that I was carrying contained secret details of the Loch Ness Monster that have been suppressed by the Royal Navy for decades. The Navy has tamed some of these species of ancient underwater dinosaur because they are highly intelligent.”
Greenwild, grinning to reporters, narrated a slide show of official government photos from the secret “Nessie Training Facility” in the Shetlands, where the animals have been genetically engineered for salt water. “I’m no biologist,” said Greenwild, “but introducing a highly intelligent and potentially invasive holdover from the cretaceous back into the oceans might be something the public should know about.”
Miranda and Greenwild french kissed after Miranda told reporters, “This ordeal has only brought us closer together than ever.”
Alfredo Gonzalez was arrested at birth for murdering and absorbing his twin sister while still in his mother’s womb.
HOUSTON — After ultrasound scans showed Alfredo Gonzalez of Houston Texas aggressively absorbed his twin sister while still inside his mother’s womb, a group of armed Texas Rangers took Gonzalez into custody. Sheriff Jane Arapaima told reporters, “A human life begins in the second trimester, and so does the law.”
Gonzalez was restrained in a specially designed mold and escorted to the Arlen County juvenile detention center. “It’s a shame that the criminals are getting younger and younger,” remarked detention center warden Jeff Richards, “Frankly I think it’s because of all of the Mexicans.”
The devoured twin did not receive a name, as the state of Texas only confers a legal name after birth, but the parents planned to name the absorbed victim Eliza. Enraged, Eliza’s mother Mrs. Angela Gonzalez promised, “I will prosecute Alfredo to the fullest extent of the law. There will be justice for Eliza!”
Dog The Bounty Hunter was captured by the KGB on live television and tortured, to the delight of Snowden fans.
When Bradley Manning apologized for doing harm to the nation, a legion of supporters who spent the past two years proving such a thing was impossible lost their minds. Before posting a torrent of grainy old pictures of Manning as a child, many said, “How dare you criticize Manning for apologizing. He is not your icon, he is a human!”
Forget the Stalinist Show Trial and the cell tower neuromodulation mind control. It’s obvious we can’t trust a word Manning says anymore, so we’re left to grieve over photos of him as an incorruptible child. We ought to be talking about Dog the Bounty Hunter. Didn’t you hear? He’s sniffing around in Russia for a billion dollar bounty on Snowden. Fans of Snowden naturally are not too impressed with Dog, but they are singing high praise for the KGB’s potential brutal torture and murder of Dog. Because, you know, fans of Snowden are fans of freedom.
But Dog isn’t really going to Russia, and the KGB no longer exists. Too bad, because I wanted to see someone opposed to Snowden brutalized on television. Maybe we can look at how Barrett Brown and Anonymous exposed many things that may have been as significant as Snowden’s revelations but never got the time in the spotlight. I mean, you can’t really trust those Anonymous pranksters not to stick some fake file in there when they’re already in your PlayStation ruining your game of Call of Duty. What would you do if you were charged with popularizing leaks for that kind of an organization? Other than spending a huge amount of effort denying he’s done just that, Barrett Brown threatened an FBI agent and his family in a set of videos so he could capture his own arrest, live on video chat. But of course that didn’t get him the attention that waiting a few months could have. Democracy Now and other unbiased activist news sources like Russia Today can’t mention that incident now that Brown is a sideshow to Snowden. However, Brown is just like Socrates, and to be clear, all he did was post a link!
Forget about Snowden’s lost leaks on subterranean UFO civilizations, HAARP, and Chemtrails. Those are illusions created by the Elites, just like Bradley Manning’s apology and all of Barrett Brown’s threats and lies. This is just like the Matrix, only Real! Take a red pill to filter out the lies, but don’t be disappointed when you find out Reality is just a heap of secret government documents in a big tent filled with petulant, mendacious, power-obsessed armchair activists dying to string Dog the Bounty Hunter up and celebrate his slow suffering at the hands of Snowden’s KGB protectors.
