Author: Kilgoar

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Rush Limbaugh Endorses Marijuana

stoned
Rush Limbaugh says he used marijuana to recover from opiate addiction and now supports legalizing pot.

EIB NETWORK OFFICIAL COMMUNIQUE — Controversial Conservative Talk Radio Mogul Rush Limbaugh endorsed medical marijuana legalization on his show Tuesday, and told Internet Chronicle reporters smoking the “Mary Jane” helped him recover after a scandalous opiate addiction. Rush pontificated in front of the golden EIB microphone, “All you listeners out there in flyover country, I know this might scare you a bit, but I wouldn’t have been able to make it through hundreds of shows if it weren’t for the benefits of medical marijuana. When I topped off my cigar with a half gram, all my tremors and cravings for painkillers disappeared. I was able to speak more eloquently than ever, if anything. And when I stopped craving the painkillers, I went back to normal cigars without any withdrawals whatsoever. I know this may come to a shock to some of the people out in the heartland, but Marijuana is a truly miraculous medicine.”

Rush Limbaugh brought Libertarian talk host Neal Boortz onto his show for a discussion about the flaws and merits of legalizing drugs. Rush took the position that mostly harmless and medicinally-oriented drugs like marijuana and possibly MDMA should be legalized, but Boortz pushed for legal recreational use of all drugs. Boortz, exasperated, said “We should be ashamed that we have more prisoners than any other country in the world, and who are we locking up? They’re all drug addicts. They buy and consume drugs. That’ll drive the economy as powerfully as a war, as long as we nationalize the production and retail of the drugs as we do with alcohol and armored humvees. It’s win-win.”

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Health Technology

Snowden unveils Sewer Drone drug surveillance program

Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would "cut to the chase."
Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would “cut to the chase” with disclosure of the secret Sewer Drone program.

MOSCOW — Sunday afternoon, Snowden once again stunned Americans with information about a secret NSA Sewer Drone program which detects traces of drugs by snooping through human excrement in public sewers. According to Snowden, the NSA relays the information gleaned from the Sewer Drone program to local police, who then construct a “parallel” investigation which excludes all mention of the secret drones so drug offenders can then be “legitimately” prosecuted. Repeat offenders, Snowden claims, may be identified by comparing traces of DNA in excrement to prison records.

Snowden spoke to reporters, shouting angrily, “This should be the final straw. Is nothing holy? The drug war has gone too far. The NSA surveillance has gone to far. I have nothing more to say.” Snowden opened his laptop in pure rage, snapping it in half at the hinge and slamming the keyboard. He bellowed, “Why won’t you people listen? They’re sifting through your shit, and if they find a trace of marijuana they’ll tie it to your DNA, come for you, and concoct a fake investigation!”

Astonished, all reporters left the press conference, but Internet Chronicle reporter Frank Mason was unaffected due to a mild buzz. Mason offered Snowden a bong rip, which Snowden gladly accepted. Once calmed, Snowden said, “The problem is that these drones — they can detect disease. They can be used for good, but now they’re simply used to target the poor.”

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News

Dog the Bounty Hunter to pursue Snowden Bounty

Dog the Bounty Hunter was recently arrested by Mexican authorities for illegally bounty hunting outside of US territory.
Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the hunt yet again, but this time he’s after NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden.

HAWAII — Duane Chapman, better known as Dog the Bounty Hunter, announced plans to enter Russia illegally in order to capture fugitive whistleblower Edward Snowden. Dog, in an impromptu press conference held outside Da Kine bail bonds, said, “Sometimes you gotta bend the rules to save America, and if I can catch this traitor Snowden and bring him back to God’s side, then it’ll be worth the risk of a lifetime of hard labor in a Siberian gulag.”

The reward for the capture and return of Edward Snowden has been set at one billion US dollars, prompting many bounty hunters to take the risk of capturing a fugitive who is protected by the Russian KGB. Dog was recently arrested and released by Mexican authorities for illegally bounty hunting outside of US territory.

When asked if he had a message for Snowden, Dog became agitated and began to rant, “Every Dog has its day, but Snowden, your days are numbered. Me and Beth are gonna catch you and bring ya to justice, the American way. If you’re listenin’ slick Eddy, the Dog’s comin’ for ya. You can run, but you can’t hide brah. The Dog has picked up your trail.”

Dog and his buxom wife Beth were reportedly spotted boarding a jet for Hong Kong, where the couple intends to search Snowden’s hotel rooms for evidence.