Author: Kilgoar

ATLANTA–Alana Thompson, known to millions as “Honey Boo Boo,” passed away Tuesday morning from medical problems related to childhood obesity. She was seven. Grieving family members have forsworn their poor diets and addiction to energy drinks. “We ain’t drinkin’ that poison go go juice no more. They dun’ took little Honey Boo Boo Child away, and they ain’t gonna take no more of us,” said June “Mama” Shannon.

The nation has turned its attention to its diet in light of this tragedy, and calls to outlaw dangerous soft drinks have flooded legislators. “Soda is killing our children, and they are our future. We’re going to have to either tax or outlaw sugary drinks,” said Joe Biden.

Some critics are skeptical about these calls for a crackdown on unhealthy drinks. Nutritional expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “The death of this child, it’s a tragedy, but I don’t believe she died because of soft drinks. Soft drinks bring vigor and pep to everyday life and cleanse the mouth of dangerous rot. If anything, it was all that spaghetti, ketchup, and butter. Nothing good can come of a high calorie diet so devoid of nutrients.”

INTERNET–Little girls up to the age of 16 are facing some of the harshest conditions in centuries, and parents around the nation are calling for more controls on little girls. Friday, a 9-year-old girl was brutally gang-raped in Pakistan, and in Israel another little girl had her trophy seized by Mossad stormtroopers. Meanwhile in Ohio, rutting teenage football players treated an incapacitated 16-year-old girl as a sex toy, posting videos to social media and carrying her around to three different parties for anyone who wanted an easy rape.

“These little girls are just being eaten up by the nasty world out there, and we need to protect them,” said Marie Abraxas, founder of Mothers for the Protection of Innocent Little Girls. “If we don’t do everything in our power to shelter little girls from harm, all innocence will go out of this world. Little girls are an endangered species.”

Spokesperson for the preteen sex lobby and snuff-film industry, Adrian Chen, spoke to Internet Chronicle reporters in the field. “We don’t condone the rape or murder of minors, but we believe that the viewing of these materials fulfills a fantasy that would otherwise result in the rape and murder of minors. We’re just as dedicated to protecting the innocence of little girls as anyone else, but we just really get off to seeing it taken away forever.”

SAN FRANCISCO–After recent rumors of a long-term homosexual relationship were spread by rabid fans of Danielle Colby Cushman, American Pickers stars Frank Fritz and Mike Wolfe held a press conference to publicly renounce homosexuality, denying they ever banged more than once.

“They just did it for the attention,” said Danielle, “But they really are gay. Gay, gay, gay.”

“That nonsense about my family and the oil can thing, it really hurt me,” said Fritz at the press conference. “We’re suing those bastards.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, general physician, said “Oh, yeah, those guys came in the other day with rectums full of antiques. The anti-homosexual press conference was a sham to buzz up a drum.”