Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism

Restraint! Israel Razes Gaza Death Camp

Good guy Zionist
Good Guy Zionist Taking Care of Business

As the Israeli occupation and subjugation of decadent hedons in Palestine continues, young excited Jewish-Americans lined the streets of every major American city this weekend to show their unwavering support for the Zionist state.

On a day typically reserved for reflections on America’s puritan foundation, fanatical Zionists – per tradition – celebrated our nation’s independence by calling for Palestinian extermination.

“Independence comes in many forms,” Benji Benjamin said, an eight year old Ohio native marching up the streets of Manhattan. “I think the Palestinians, for their own good, might be better off wiped off the map. It will, at the least, free up some space in the budget, which is important to many third graders I know.”

Mr. Benjamin was in New York City on his way to board a flight for his birthright trip, a rite-of-brainwash for most Jewish Americans.

Tensions have never been higher between Israelis and Palestinians as crime within the Holy Land has seen a sharp spike in the last week. In part, this dramatic flux can be contributed to the recent kidnapping of three Israeli youth, the bombing of Palestinian children before that, the Palestinian rocket attack on a local Regional Council before that, an Israeli raid on an aid ship en route to the Gaza Strip before that, Hitler’s Final Solution, the Israelites murdering Moses, and God’s supreme fuck-up by promising land rights to chosen religious groups in the first place.

Angstrom H. Truedaberg, the Chronicle’s resident schlemiel, said, “These folks are expressing their right to exist. Many-a-Mensch took to the streets on this July 4th. I’m proud to be a part of such a peaceful, compassionate movement like Liberal Zionism.”

The United States has historically had nothing but support for the Zionist movement, rightly shunning the legitimate concerns of the residents of the occupied West Bank and Gaza Strip. However, many hard-knocked Zionists view the current administration’s attitudes towards the Jewish State as not supportive enough.

“Sure, Barack ‘Roof-Knock’ Nobama has increased funding to Israel’s military to $3 billion and denied Palestinian statehood, but why does he stay silent on the real issue: the savage barbarianism of the Arab, in general?” a beautiful Aryan editor at a local college newspaper said, speaking on the condition of anonymity so as not to expose her fucking stupidity.

“Is it because he himself is a Moslem?” she asked. “Is it because he was born in Kenya? Which almost borders Iran? Cuba? Hitler? The President must be forced to answer these types of questions.”

At the time of publication, the White House commented, “Look, it’s Ramadan. Give our Pres a minute. Can’t solve ethnic tensions on an empty stomach!”

Categories
Politics Uncontrollable Patriotism World

Chris Hedges slams Israel, blames 'intellectuals' for Occupy failure

Israel is attacking American universities with data shared to them by the National Security Agency, and “busy” professors are responsible for the degradation of Occupy Wall Street, author and journalist Chris Hedges said.

Hedges said while he and Dr. Cornel West were having dinner, the two of them lambasted lazy journalism professors and other intellectuals of being “too busy” to support free speech. During a speech to Northeastern University in Boston, Massachusetts, Hedges revealed a sinister Jewish plot to undermine American efforts at free dialog.

[Teachers] develop a secret respect for television media; a self-reinforced trust of the government.”

Documents leaked by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden – who previously worked for Booz-Allen Hamilton – revealed the zealous scrutiny of private American citizens’ information provided to Israel by the NSA. Experts have pointed out Israeli intelligence agencies are beginning to target intellectuals who question the two nations’ militant right-wing confederacy.

Internet Chronicle anthropologist and Chief Executive of Economic Research Adviser Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said American university professors recuse themselves from forming a strong opinion because of a combination of factors.

“The omniscient gaze of the NSA and Israel are one reason you don’t want to be caught planning a demonstration against your government,” Troubadour said. “Fear of losing their jobs. Should they become impartial and dare to question Obama’s commitment to transparency, why, a teacher could disappear for that. So they develop a secret respect for television media; a self-reinforced trust of the government.”

Categories
Sports

Robots, military and unmanned drones to monitor 2014 World Cup

Drone Cam
Look! Look! You’re on the Drone Cam! — The 2014 World Cup will feature Drone Cam for the first time ever.

Officials behind the 2014 World Cup said they have deployed the most extensive security apparatus ever to create what is anticipated to be the safest, most patriotic gaming event in the history of sport.

American robots will monitor the ground while Israeli drones patrol the skies over the Confederations Cup football (soccer) tournament in what’s being called a “dry run,” by security officials, before the World Cup next year.

The unmanned aircraft feature thermal cameras that can see through walls and clothing to scan individuals concealing bombs strapped around their bodies.

Other security measures listed for testing are flyovers by Air Force fighter jets equipped with surveillance equipment.

Thousands of extra troops are being brought in to patrol the stadiums used for the Confederations Cup, to create a family-friendly atmosphere of rigidity and stringent control.

Experts, however, believe visitors will be immediately vulnerable to street crime once they stray from tightly secured areas because the local police force is being pulled from street duty to satisfy the public’s undying urge to see shiny riot shields and paramilitary crowd control gear.

“We are strongly concerned with ensuring safety and security to all our athletes, tourists, heads of state and delegations,” Sports Minister Aldo Rebelo told reporters on a conference call last week. The call is now known to have been monitored by the National Security Agency, an ironic and horrifying security breach.

At least 45,000 personnel will be deployed to all the events leading up to the World Cup in Brazil, meaning one guard will be assigned to every 50 spectators of the matches. In addition to 3,500 military police officers, security forces will also include a battalion of riot police with two armored vehicles, a canine unit of sniffer dogs trained to detect drugs and explosives as well as eight fucking sharpshooters, said Fabio Pizetta, the head of Brazilia’s riot police division.

Holy shit.

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