Author: Kilgoar

Today, LulzSec released a manifesto on PasteBin outlining a more sophisticated set of motives. Like all posts on PasteBin, to trust it would be idiotic. It was the thousandth tweet spectacular, and the Lulz forever died. Us Lulz Lizards at Chronicle.SU would like to weigh in on these lofty statements from our pirate friends at LulzSec.

There seems to be an underground sect of Lulz Lizards crawling through the grimiest internet t00bz, ready to do anything for a quick laugh. The lizards will log onto your Facebook, masturbate to your girlfriend, and then tell her you are into choking children. At the Chronicle, we completely understand this phenomenon and report on it daily. By reporting on it, we have ourselves become somewhat acclimated to crawling through the Lulz Lizard t00bz and have covered ourselves in /b/ period blood.

That said, LulzSec knows what we filthy lizards want. We want to see people rage, we want to see their relationships burn, we want their houses flooded with unwanted pizza and distress. We are Anonymous. We do not Forgive. We do not Forget. Expect us to fap when we’re done.

The manifesto made one startling statement that broke with LulzSec tradition. In the past, they would only hold back releases because of their love for Sega Dreamcast. That is no longer true. Today they did it to prove an important and meaningful point. Dear God, what has come of LulzSec?!?!

“We’re sitting on 200,000 Brink users right now that we never gave out. It might make you feel safe knowing we told you, so that Brink users may change their passwords. What if we hadn’t told you? No one would be aware of this theft, and we’d have a fresh 200,000 peons to abuse, completely unaware of a breach.”

Let me take a second to wash my hands of all this multi-colored period blood. You could have been doing this all along, but instead you’ve gleefully fed the Lulz Lizards. We don’t blame you for knowing what they want, because we want it too. We enjoyed seeing the pathetic lizards scramble around for your scraps.

Now that you’ve shown you’re capable of taking the boring moral high ground like post-Cablegate Anonymous, it’s all downhill from here. Maybe the Government Hate Lizards will take it a little easier on you, now that you’ve shown a kind of regretful cultural awareness and a shred of morality. The Lulz Lizards will not!

You are yesterday’s Lulz, bitches!

In the wake of cablegate, one pathetic excuse of a blog decided to go to war on Anonymous. This blog is known as Chronicle.SU, and its writer(s) are insanely delusional egomaniacs who think they make a difference. There is almost no comedic value to this “satire” blog, which is dedicated to spinning every event in cyber war as a victory for the enemies of Anonymous.

This all began when a writer for Chronicle.SU was banned from the AnonOps #AnonNews channel for complaining about the threatening public relations of Anonymous. In response to this ban, the writer attacked AnonNews with criticism of their advertisement sales. This was met with massive derision from Anonymous, and the author claimed it was an epic act of “trolling”. We all knew he was just butthurt, so we left hundreds of hateful comments and veiled threats on Chronicle.SU to prove it, as their traffic spiked into the tens of thousands. We decided not to follow through with our threats because it would have just given the troll more attention.

This butthurt failtroll then released “dox” of himself in a desperate plea for more attention, after the initial wave of Anon hatred wore off. These dox included a gay e-mail to a gay ex-girlfriend, replete with the deepest levels of faggotry ever seen on the internet. It was posted on AnonNews hundreds of times, but the shameless Chronicle.SU continued its campaign of spamming anti-anonymous propaganda. The quality and style of writing were barely above Anonspeak. Anonymous now had its very own Rush Limbaugh, combining entertainment and propaganda in a single mind-warping RSS feed full of paranoid conspiracy theories laced with impossibly vast quantities of narcissism.

As a final act of complete desperation, the writer(s) at Chronicle.SU began a fearmongering campaign to scare Anons away from both AnonNews and AnonOps. Citing the privacy gap of Google’s reCAPTCHA service – as implemented by AnonNews – Chronicle.SU successfully scared away many negative commenters who were critical of their “satire”. Chronicle.SU broke a story accusing Barrett Brown of leading activists into the “FBI infested” AnonOps chat rooms. Brown retaliated by calling the writer at Chronicle.SU a faggot and subsequently quit Anonymous to continue his own project elsewhere.

Despite the “dox,” it is still not clear exactly who is behind Chronicle.SU. Some have alleged that they are a collective of unknown individuals who write only when they feel Anonymous has overstepped its bounds. Others believe they are a psy-ops campaign run by the CIA or the KGB. However, the “subversive” Chronicle.SU is not important at all, and has had no effect on Anonymous whatsoever. The most likely scenario is that Chronicle.SU is one angry butthurt faggot who got banned from AnonOps and is a virgin because he has no girlfriend. Also, he has no idea how to hack. Hence, Chronicle.SU is completely irrelevant.