Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET – Former New York Senator and First Lady Hillary Clinton was indicted by a grand jury, Monday, for illegally using a private server to host her government e-mails. Clinton was detained and is being held on suicide watch at the military brig in Quantico as a terrorist and enemy of the state.

Forensic Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador led a squad of commandos to exfiltrate Clinton’s e-mail servers from an undisclosed Deep State hiding spot after being tipped off by Julian Assange. With sophisticated airgapping hacks, specialist Jamie “Asshurt” McFegs was able to extract damning deleted evidence that Clinton conspired with Vladimir Putin in rigging the 2016 presidential election.

Dr. Troubador and his team fled beyond the reach of the Deep State to the safety of Moscow early Sunday morning with the help of Wikileaks and the Courage Foundation. Julian Assange told fans, “Dr. Troubador is the greatest hero of all time. Bigger than Snowden, bigger than Manning, bigger than me. He will be remembered for millennia as the man who single handedly and boldly changed history for the better.”

In the most striking leaked e-mail to Putin, Hillary wrote “We’ve got to cancel out those deplorable Republican votes any way we can! Hack the voting machines and cancel their fucking votes if you have to, get into their facebooks, twitter, youtube and BAN the fuckers, whatever it takes.”

Donald Trump tweeted that he would end all democratic elections in the US after Hillary was put to death for treason.  “Maybe I’ll be president for life, like Putin or Xi Jinping.” the president told reporters on the golf course at Mar-A-Lago. “But first, we’re going to set things right and LOCK HER UP AND GIVE HER THE CHAIR! We’ll ask questions later. There’s just no time for a trial with these terrorists.”

INTERNET — Today in a defiant press conference at the golf course, Donald Trump said, “Bitcoins are the ultimate in value. We’re going to end this shutdown by purchasing many million Bitcoins. I know, I have some great information, and the coins fix everything. It’s an easy decision.”

Trump pointed at a CNN reporter and said, “Faker,” when asked if he was using taxpayers money for criminal market manipulations.

“There are no rules in bitcoins as far as I know.” Trump imperiously dismissed all mainstream news reporters, including Fox. “We’ve already made the deal, people, the shutdown’s over. Go report something real for once. Bye bye.”

Internet Chronicle reporters were given exclusive access to insider gossip on the golf course in a no-camera interview at Mar-A-Lago on the same basis as Michael Wolff.

Trump crushed the golf ball, raging and even barking like a hound dog, “The MORE I buy, the LESS China gets!”

QAnonymous, the Q-clearance NSA hacker and golfing buddy of Trump chipped a ball from the rough to complete a birdie. “This is some good shit right here. THIS will be for EVERYONE. We can rig it to $1 TRILLION DOLLARS A COIN. It’s happening already. The storm is here and it’s the power of Bitcoins. Quantum supercomputers exist and in another year we’ll have easy control of any existing blockchain. We’re going to drive the price so fucking high and then milk ’em for as long as we can. WE’VE CRACKED THE CODE TO INFINITE WEALTH FOR EVERYONE, FOREVER!”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of Canterbury said, “Thanks to Donald Trump’s decree in recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, the end days are now upon us! Read Revelations and Pray! Prayer without bitcoins might mean ruin.”

If Julian Assange were only retweeting Pope Francis out of the usual convenient messaging, it would be more of the same wry humor from the atheist hacker. However, in the past months Assange has retweeted Pope Francis more than anyone else, suggesting deep changes in his character of the profound kind usually associated with a religious conversion or epiphany. This far-out, science fictional prophecy from his Twitter last week gives flesh to the hunch:

It is well-known that mystics, shamans, and monks seeking proximity to the vast expanse beyond endure incredible isolation or physical stresses, and Assange has incidentally undergone a special and new trial, a digital stylite preaching to the world from the cramped office he can never leave.

Assange’s message suffers badly from a laughable popcorn-munching hype where computers are not sophisticated tools in the hands of the 1%, but rather more clever versions of their creators. Of course The Matrix and Terminator would be so much less sensational with a few computer nerds and Jeff Bezos behind the curtains, but Assange is one of them in spirit, and he does not want to give Dorothy the balloon ride home. He is a mad villain who wants to breathe sentience into computers, another Dr. Frankenstein with the mantras “Publish and be damned! Information wants to be free,” in spite of his sudden religious enlightenment.

Wikileaks and Julian Assange are the vanguard of an infectious planetary discourse that appears terminal to the world order. For all its oppression, lies, and terror, it is too easy to look back only ten or twenty years and see a golden age of civility, socialism, and geopolitical harmony. Democrats who once hated George W. Bush already look back at his wars of aggression with nostalgia, a totally morbid symptom if there ever was one.

Assange’s mystical revelation has the kernel of truth in that we’ve entered a new era by which the domination of the 1% is cemented by dehumanized technology and uncivilized discourse. Black Mirror’s The Waldo Moment is too terrible to watch. Some might say this is the end of the neoliberal era, but perhaps Assange has made its ultimate and final expression. The phony naturalism of the classic liberals now takes a singularitarian bent, and Dr. Frankenstein’s threatening, neofascist AI monster is already in power, controlled by men like Julian Assange who bogart all its gifts for themselves, cowardly cheapskate wizards behind the curtains. There is no good reason to struggle against the “AI” tools of the 1%, to wear strange makeup for surveillance and encrypt every byte of online presence. The quaint Christian message of Pope Francis that makes the poor and the powerless sacred again is enough.