Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Cody Reeder, host of popular YouTube science channel Cody’s Lab. Reeder passed away Thursday from cold shock after floating himself in a bathtub full of mercury.

Cody’s Lab was recently suspended by YouTube, after it was flagged for showing Cody microwaving insects.

Salt Lake City Coroner Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “It sucked so much heat out of him so quickly it caused a sudden dilation in his arteries and a cardiac arrest.” Dr Troubador also found high levels of elemental mercury in Cody’s bloodstream, which he believed “accumulated over many well-documented years of contact with mercury.”

Recently, Cody ignited a bead of nitroglycerine with a knife, shattering it and cutting his finger even through leather welding gloves. In 2016, Cody fired cryogenic mercury projectiles from a frozen homemade gun, all inside of a small tent. In other videos the YouTube star dips his hands in mercury, flushes a toilet full of mercury, and even tests himself for mercury poisoning.

Dr. Troubador said, “The vapors got to him, and maybe some microbeads on his skin. It wouldn’t show up on a toxicology report because it’s not toxic. The elemental stuff got in his bloodstream long before he was frozen stiff by the bath, and it just sits there in the capillaries. Sure, it’s not poisonous at all, but ultimately it did add to the sudden strain on his circulatory system and his tragic, tragic death.”

Critics and fans alike have cast blame on YouTube’s increasingly stingy monetization scheme as well as its twisted algorithms, which drive content creators like Cody to engage in dangerous behavior just to get viewers on their channel.

AvE, YouTube star and friend of Cody, told reporters, “Every year YouTube pays just half what they paid last year, and guys like Cody are chasing that dragon, trying to make a living, and in a lot of ways, YouTube is to blame here.”

This August, AvE was hospitalized after his penis was injured in a pneumatic vice accident while filming patreon exclusive content. “It’s fuckin’ insane what we do just to scrape a few bucks together to make and share cool shit on the internet. At some point we’ve got to draw a line though. Is Cody that line? I don’t know. Mercury freezing a guy solid like that, in a matter of seconds, just think about it. Something doesn’t add up. Look at how Cody is highlighting their stingy no good back dealing exploitation of content makers, and oh, now he suddenly freezes to death and you’ve got some fake doctor saying it’s because he’s inhaling mercury? I don’t believe it for a fucking second. Someone very powerful is up to no good.”

INTERNET — CNN and NBC reports Barron Trump has been reprimanded for allegedly grabbing girls’ and women’s vaginas at his school and in the White House.

Expert analysis on these networks suggest Barron Trump will surely face criminal charges. After this scandal broke, rumors of an unthinkable pre-emptive presidential pardon have circled around Washington, blowing the bottom off of the Trump administration’s now bottomless mire of scandal and perversion.

So far there has been no official message, but the First Lady told reporters at a White House lunch, “The fake news needs to leave Barron alone. I never put him in time out and he never grabbed any women. And to the people on social media tweeting at him, they need to be banned for threatening a child like this.”

Barron Trump deactivated his twitter account after social media users criticized him for the alleged attacks. Roseanne Barr tweeted, “This little Nazi is a #PussyGrabber rapist just like his dad, Hitler!” Twitter responded to The First Lady’s demands, banning all users who sent Barron rape and murder threats.

Many Trump supporters also took to twitter, celebrating Barron’s pubescent masculinity. Thousands of teenage girls and grown women including Laura Loomer tweeted lewd and possibly illegal messages of adoration on the “#PussyGrabMe” hashtag. Several of these accounts including Loomer’s have been temporarily suspended.

Internet Chronicle White House correspondents say Barron Trump has been taking it easy, enjoying long bubble baths and ordering pizza, ‘self-caring’ to heal away the trauma inflicted by social media attacks. Currently he is working on Pokemon Moon. Off the record, Barron said, “There’s some good folks on both sides, I guess.”

INTERNET — A torrent of hate fell upon reporter David Auerbach as Buzzfeed’s bottom grade journalism reported an obvious fabrication in its bombshell reporting on a leak revealing the interior workings of Breitbart’s propaganda creation process.

The Buzzfeed article showed Milo Yiannopolous recruited neonazis and white nationalists, editing and controlling their expressions to maintain an aura of deniability that is the trademark “Taco Salad” routine in neofascist politik.

Auerbach is a longtime hater of Yiannopolis and one of the most well-spoken and effective enemies of gamergate, but the Buzzfeed report contained a catastrophically defamatory allegation that Auerbach denies, in which he passed a pro-gamergate lead to Milo.

So what the fuck actually is going on? The Buzzfeed story may be written by the typical on-brand gullible imbeciles, but its narrative does show something true in the decline of Milo’s career. He  is a man who has become more alienated from Bannon, is dying to get back to Breitbart, failed to organize a free speech event and even failed the easy task of playing victim and framing it as a censorship. What better motive to leak his own dirty laundry, and oh, why not slip in a little mischief for Auerbach on the side?

In leaking his own email correspondences and drawing eyeballs, building up his character as a deceptive and crafty propagandist, Milo is both appealing to and emulating Steve Bannon, who famously contacted Robert Kuttner to leak secrets from within the White House after he was fired in the wake of the Charlottesville massacre, presumably responsible for the “both sides” scandal.

Will Milo get his job back? Is he satisfied with the irony of instrumentalizing anti-gamergate Buzzfeed for revenge, or will he continue to disrobe himself in order to extend his flagging career? Tune in next week as Steve Bannon’s meth house revs up production and Laurie Penny stops by just for the fun.