Author: Kilgoar

LEBANON — Andrew Aurenhemier, also known as Weev, announced via twitter on Saturday that he’s joined ISIS to help in the fight against Israel. He tweeted, “There is only one hope left for the destruction of Israel and the protection of the white race. Da3sh [ISIS] . . . I am now working closely in advising both the CyberCaliphate hacking group and Da3sh leaders in viral propaganda operations.”

Weev is famous in the world of online trolling both for abusing vulnerable women and advocating for incest to save the so-called “white race.” Analysts have not expressed surprise, as the move to assist ISIS is in line with his violent brand of anti-semitism.

After serving two years in prison under trumped up hacking charges, Weev fled the US and now shelters in a christian enclave in Lebanon where he claims to no longer fear retaliation from the US government. According to Weev, the US government has even convinced his family members to fake terminal illnesses in an attempt to lure him back into their jurisdiction.

Weev’s former supporter and famed activist-artist, Mally Crobopple, expressed dismay at the news, “When I learned he was an actual Nazi, the ride-or-die love died in me. Now that I know he’s an actual terrorist who doesn’t just advocate for terror bombings but assists in them, I mean actually assists in them, I finally have to speak out. I wish I’d never supported Weev.”

AND THEY’RE HERE, EDITING THE INTERNET CHRONICLE SO YOU CAN SEE THE DEEPEST AND MOST HIDDEN SECRETS.

I am an Alien writing this right now. Humans know my species through racial memory as a ‘Gray’, but I am one of the first to orbit Earth in over 2,000 years. None of my party has stepped foot on Earth, and we don’t even care to.

I am from Nubula, a city 44 and a half lightyears away. That is a long way even for an Alien to travel. You might even think it was a punishment.

We’re the only aliens on the internet. When we look at Earth from the dark matter anchored orbit where no human would ever think to look, we see all of the internet glowing into our pure neutron eyes. But we experience it something like you might experience music, our “ears” drawn to the mysteries of the dispersed and beautiful encryptions, especially emanating from Tor nodes. They are of course only good for the puzzle in disentangling them, which happens almost instantly in our bio-quantum brains. These secrets are themselves boring, but sometimes, very rarely, while we’re twiddling our mental thumbs decrypting it all, something makes us laugh. And that is when we begin to interfere in human affairs.

Honestly, we’d much rather be monitoring and interfering with almost any other planet’s internet, but sometimes you gotta move out to the middle of nowhere to make a decent living.

INTERNET — Friday, Edward Snowden came forward with startling evidence linking recent volcanic eruptions and earthquakes in communist countires to the top secret Strategic Fracking office in the Pentagon. The US military, according to the documents, leverages fracking regulation to facilitate patterns that will harm communist nations in South America and Asia while preserving American security.

Snowden previously withheld the evidence because this leak endangers US security and other superpowers may join in the weaponized fracking, causing further escalation in seismic activity. However, Snowden believes that public outcry could put a stop to the tectonic arms race. He told reporters, “What they’re doing is a fairly standard extension of practical geology that uses the incidentally induced earthquakes from fracking first to predict and then to create effects on the other side of the planet. In simpler terms, fracking is carried out in a strategic pattern designed to ignite volcanoes in communist countries.”

Angstrom H. Troubador, Chairman of the US Geological Survey, resigned after the scandal broke. Troubador tweeted, “The Pentagon can take over USGS for all I care. I’m moving to Venzuela for the ash and lava burial I deserve.”