Author: Kilgoar

CONNECTICUT — Tuesday evening, Brian Williams was found dead in his New Canaan mansion from what police said was most likely a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The NBC News Anchor was caught lying about facing RPG fire in Iraq and once said he saw dead bodies floating in a part of New Orleans that was not flooded by hurricane Katrina.

Monday, Williams announced he would “take a few days off,” but his suicide Tuesday evening has left fans and critics shocked. Friends and family told reporters Williams was, “not happy” and suggested that his career was built on far worse lies that he promised to soon reveal.

Police are investigating the tragic circumstances as there seems to be strong evidence for the possibility of foul play. Police Chief Gerald Hartford told reporters, “Now, there are lots of people with motives to take out Williams, especially military men who have had their valor stolen. That’s why we’re investigating foul play, but it appears to be a suicide. We’re not 100 percent, but that’s what it looks like at first glance.”

Others speculated that Williams exaggerated and sensationalized his stories as a result of brutal editorial control that the CIA exerts over him and NBC News. As the theory goes, the CIA feared he might reveal too much and had to “suicide” him to keep the wraps on their cloak-and-dagger propaganda operations.

MOSCOW — Vladimir Putin shared top secret Russian satellite photographs showing 9/11 was in fact an inside job. The startling photographs show explosives being loaded into passenger planes at Langley Field and tracks them as they travel to Pennsylvania, New York City, and Washington DC.

Traces of nano-thermite, which is capable of melting the tremendous steel beams of the World Trade Center, were sampled and confirmed by Russian intelligence through moles working at Ground Zero.

Putin clutched at photographs in one hand and positive samples of nano-thermite traces in the other, and said, “We do not want a nuclear war in Ukraine, but the United States does! A small tactical nuke was used on the chemical plant in Donetsk, but not by the Russian Federation. We will fight back with aggressive diplomacy, leaking the worst secrets of the United States. Our nuclear arsenal is a last resort.” On a final note, Putin added, “I am not autistic.”

The 9/11 Memorial Museum at Ground Zero opened for tourists in May last year and features the official narrative of the terror attack. Thousands of children are indoctrinated by the museum each day, taught a version of events that conflict with the best available evidence and the proof leaked by Vladimir Putin.

INTERNET — The Internet’s 13 most talented and Christlike figures, as selected from billions of Twitter users through an algorithm cribbed straight out of the bible, will appear Friday on NBC’s Jesus Christ Megastar to compete for status as the icon and messiah of the world’s first algorithmically-derived branch of Christianity, Christ’s Children’s Church (CCC). By hoovering up social media data, digital sociologists at CCC have engineered what they believe will be the most robust marketing campaign of all time. Thousands of used supercomputers from the 90’s have been trained to optimize a belief structure so appealing they hope it will gain converts at a record breaking rate. Interestingly, the interpretation of the bible the algorithm has developed requires their church to be the fulfillment of the second coming of Christ.

Many Christians have derided CCC for its heretical doctrine, and Pope Francis told reporters, “It’s a sleek marketing campaign and a gimmick, not any form of Christianity recognized by any other branch of Christianity as remotely Christian in its teachings. I know it to be the Anti-Christ, the development of all the world’s evil into a single power, a great deceiver.”

At the end of each episode of Jesus Christ Megastar, the contestants will kneel before a tremendous stack of outdated supercomputers and the Judas-like figure that hosts and narrates the show will “betray” one of the disciples. Disciples who show unconscious malice in their behavior on screen will be eliminated one by one until the most benevolent Christ is chosen.