Author: Kilgoar

VACCINATION — Pro-freedom activist and parenting expert Jenny McCarthy fell sick Friday from an acute infection of Measles and died suddenly in her Hollywood apartment at age 42, refusing all medical care. McCarthy told family members, “I’d rather die than be jabbed with that autism juice,” just hours before the Measles infection spread to her brain and caused fatal encephalitis.

McCarthy and other “Anti-vaxxers” blame the heavy metals used in vaccinations for autism, a disease which affects billions around the globe, including Vladimir Putin, who suffers from a mild form of autism known as Asperger’s that was brought on by a Measles vaccination. The few non-autistic families who choose to avoid vaccinations are some of the very last humans to maintain a natural relationship with their bodies and the earth, and see the disease as a rite of passage to a life of freedom and struggle towards glory. Hacker and actual neo-Nazi Andrew Aurnheimer, also known as weev, told reporters, “Almost nobody dies from measles, but when you survive you’re increasing your capability to survive and accelerating evolution. Vaccines and other unnatural meddling with freedom is part of the Jewish agenda to degenerate The West and undo evolution so that communist China will become supreme ruler of the world.”

By Mark Ames, Glenn Greenwald, Laura Poitras, and R. Crumb — Satire is dead. Practically no one will pay for it and no writer is even capable of delivering a satiric effect to American audiences. Trust me, I tried. It’s a losing investment every time.

There are always handholds in popular American satire, if you can call it satire, and the vicious confrontational stuff without handholds is only seen as pure malice and dickishness. Satire writers are forced into this corner by horizontal censorship, largely enforced by the internet hacking collective Anonymous.

I remember when The Hippie Movement and Punk Rock died like it was yesterday, but I never imagined satire was just another passing fad. It feels good to be that final generation of satire, the cynical nostalgia I’m feeling is quite pleasant. I’m proud of it. Like Hunter S. Thompson said, this is a generation of swine, and they won’t know a good satire when they see it. 9/11 scared the last drop of piss out of them.

The Internet Chronicle was originally revealed to be a satire by Paul Joseph Watson of Infowars, shocking hundreds of thousands of confused readers. But last summer Fox News announced, in conjunction with the FBI, that Sabu infiltrated and social engineered Infowars reporters and influenced them in subtle ways. They were mind-controlled into telling audiences that Chronicle.su is fake.

Newly hacked documents from HBGary reveal that the so-called “Metal Gear” propaganda superweapon spammed any posters of links to Chronicle.su with disruptive comments, condemning the satire as “fake” and not in correspondence with truth as established by Wikipedia and its de facto Objectivist Czar, Jimmy Wales.

We had a good run while it lasted.

FOOTBALL — Sunday morning, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell ruled that the New England Patriots would be forced to forfeit the Super Bowl after announcing that the intentional deflation of footballs nullified their AFC championship victory. Goodell told stunned reporters, “There will be no Super Bowl this year and no glory for the cheaters.  This is a historic decision, but integrity and fairness in football is of the utmost importance. The Seahawks are NFL champions, and we will have a small ceremony and present the trophy to them this evening.”

The hundreds of millions of fans who gather for Super Bowl junk food parties instead gathered in the streets and overturned cars in Boston and in Phoenix, but were quickly suppressed by riot police. Riot officer Jeb Laramie said, “We’ve had a lot of practice suppressing riots lately, but these jocks are not your usual protesters. They’re big and mad and pushy, as well as violent. But, because they generally accept the rule of law and are just as mad as we are about all this, we didn’t fire rubber bullets or tear gas them. It just wasn’t necessary.” At least fifty cars were overturned and set on fire.