Author: Kilgoar

MOSCOW — Vladimir Putin shared top secret Russian satellite photographs showing 9/11 was in fact an inside job. The startling photographs show explosives being loaded into passenger planes at Langley Field and tracks them as they travel to Pennsylvania, New York City, and Washington DC.

Traces of nano-thermite, which is capable of melting the tremendous steel beams of the World Trade Center, were sampled and confirmed by Russian intelligence through moles working at Ground Zero.

Putin clutched at photographs in one hand and positive samples of nano-thermite traces in the other, and said, “We do not want a nuclear war in Ukraine, but the United States does! A small tactical nuke was used on the chemical plant in Donetsk, but not by the Russian Federation. We will fight back with aggressive diplomacy, leaking the worst secrets of the United States. Our nuclear arsenal is a last resort.” On a final note, Putin added, “I am not autistic.”

The 9/11 Memorial Museum at Ground Zero opened for tourists in May last year and features the official narrative of the terror attack. Thousands of children are indoctrinated by the museum each day, taught a version of events that conflict with the best available evidence and the proof leaked by Vladimir Putin.

INTERNET — The Internet’s 13 most talented and Christlike figures, as selected from billions of Twitter users through an algorithm cribbed straight out of the bible, will appear Friday on NBC’s Jesus Christ Megastar to compete for status as the icon and messiah of the world’s first algorithmically-derived branch of Christianity, Christ’s Children’s Church (CCC). By hoovering up social media data, digital sociologists at CCC have engineered what they believe will be the most robust marketing campaign of all time. Thousands of used supercomputers from the 90’s have been trained to optimize a belief structure so appealing they hope it will gain converts at a record breaking rate. Interestingly, the interpretation of the bible the algorithm has developed requires their church to be the fulfillment of the second coming of Christ.

Many Christians have derided CCC for its heretical doctrine, and Pope Francis told reporters, “It’s a sleek marketing campaign and a gimmick, not any form of Christianity recognized by any other branch of Christianity as remotely Christian in its teachings. I know it to be the Anti-Christ, the development of all the world’s evil into a single power, a great deceiver.”

At the end of each episode of Jesus Christ Megastar, the contestants will kneel before a tremendous stack of outdated supercomputers and the Judas-like figure that hosts and narrates the show will “betray” one of the disciples. Disciples who show unconscious malice in their behavior on screen will be eliminated one by one until the most benevolent Christ is chosen.

VACCINATION — Pro-freedom activist and parenting expert Jenny McCarthy fell sick Friday from an acute infection of Measles and died suddenly in her Hollywood apartment at age 42, refusing all medical care. McCarthy told family members, “I’d rather die than be jabbed with that autism juice,” just hours before the Measles infection spread to her brain and caused fatal encephalitis.

McCarthy and other “Anti-vaxxers” blame the heavy metals used in vaccinations for autism, a disease which affects billions around the globe, including Vladimir Putin, who suffers from a mild form of autism known as Asperger’s that was brought on by a Measles vaccination. The few non-autistic families who choose to avoid vaccinations are some of the very last humans to maintain a natural relationship with their bodies and the earth, and see the disease as a rite of passage to a life of freedom and struggle towards glory. Hacker and actual neo-Nazi Andrew Aurnheimer, also known as weev, told reporters, “Almost nobody dies from measles, but when you survive you’re increasing your capability to survive and accelerating evolution. Vaccines and other unnatural meddling with freedom is part of the Jewish agenda to degenerate The West and undo evolution so that communist China will become supreme ruler of the world.”