Author: Kilgoar

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Health

Vladimir Putin Diagnosed with Testicular Cancer

Vladimir Putin revealed his battle with testicular cancer, Wednesday.

MOSCOW—Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, announced Wednesday afternoon that he is currently undergoing treatment for testicular cancer. Testicular cancer affects over 50,000 people every year, but the survival rate for those who receive proper medical treatment is well over 90 percent.

Putin has been receiving chemotherapy in Finland since the Winter Olympics in Moscow, sources say. Doctors plan to remove Putin’s affected testicle in a surgical procedure called an orchiectomy.

Russian Citizens were crestfallen, but hopeful. Dmitri Yanuzhoye, a new Crimean citizen of Russia, told reporters, “One of Putin’s testicles is worth five pairs of American president testicles.”

Putin came to represent masculinity for men across the world, especially after masterminding a carefully veiled invasion of Crimea and eastern Ukraine earlier this year. John Thiessen, expert in geopolitics, said, “The US and its presidents come and go, never taking any serious risks and inevitably screwing up their poor attempts at paternalistic control over helpless nations, ever since Vietnam. But Putin’s balls have been pumping so much testosterone they’ve grown a tumor. He’s facing down the EU and the US, enemies he can never hope to defeat, every single day.”

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Categories
Trolling

8Chan Founder Frederick Brennan cowers in fear after vicious doxing

INTERNET—Adrian Chen of Gawker reported, Monday, that Frederick Brennan, who suffers from a malfunctioning skeleton, was the mastermind responsible for providing GamerGate fans with safe harbors at infinitechan, or 8chan as it is also called. Chen is a well-known anti-misogynist doxer who once outed violentacrez, Reddit’s kingpin of legal jailbait and creepshot subreddits.

Brennan’s bones are so frail that they could break at the slightest touch, but Adrian Chen said that suffering man he called “deformed” was seen holding a bottle of vodka and riding through a strip club on the first anniversary of infinitechan. Much like Reddit’s subreddit feature, infinitechan allows any user to create and moderate their own subchan, combining the worst aspects of Reddit and 4chan into the world’s most misogynistic social media platform.

After reading Adrian Chen’s vicious dox, Rhonda Marten, feminist and human biodiversity expert, tweeted, “I’ll put that deformed paper bones out of misery. Comin for ya, little boy!” Brennan cancelled his upcoming motivational talk, considering the tweet and other undisclosed messages a credible threat on his life.

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Categories
Entertainment Special Interest

Taylor Swift’s 8 second subliminal white noise message decoded

Since the invention of radio, spies have hidden messages in audio signals.
"Look how good you're playing," says the Internet Chronicle, handing an unplugged controller over to kilgoar and hatesec.
Taylor Swift, radicalized by the terrorist group EFF, has begun a psyop campaign to subliminally turn otherwise normal people into terrorists.
Taylor Swift, radicalized by the terrorist group EFF, has begun a psyop campaign to subliminally turn otherwise normal people into terrorists.

INTERNET—Earlier this week a puzzling 8 second Taylor Swift song seemingly featuring nothing but white noise was the most popularly downloaded song in Canada, disseminating subliminal instructions to millions of vulnerable teenage listeners. Wednesday, a terror attack struck the heart of Canada as shooters rampaged through the streets of Ottawa, its capital.

Experts have shown a direct connection between Swift’s hit single and the terror sweeping through Canada.

Expert in subliminal psyop warfare at DARPA, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, said via Instagram:

“Taylor Swift has been radicalized by subliminal programming, fallen in with hackers who want to fight the surveillance state, and replicated the programming that radicalized her into an 8 second clip of so-called white noise containing specific programmatic instructions: Kill the government. The shootings in Ottawa are the beginning of a wave of terror like we’ve never expected, except instead of militant Islamists, this time it’s computer geeks. If I was to tell you the message that was coded, it could instantly brainwash anyone who read it or heard it read out loud.”