Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

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Categories
Technology Uncontrollable Patriotism

NSA totally behaving like creepy uncle at the Internet family reunion

Creepy old Uncle NSA. Where are his hands??
Creepy old Uncle NSA. Where are his hands??

It’s hanging onto everyone, leering around at the room as it gropes the family children, probing for stuff it’s not supposed to find.

“Uh-oh, what have we here? Something you’re not supposed to be doing. Your parents would be very upset if they knew that you did that. There, there. Don’t cry. Really. You can make it all better. That’s a good girl. You don’t have to cry. Uncle NSA can help you make it all better. Shhhhhhhh.”

The NSA knows all the best changing rooms, where they can take a peek at your children’s sexting photos and blackmail their enemies with the same handy multi-tool, connected right into that magical cloud like it’s Ghost in the Fucking Shell.

But I already know you’re not mad. I’m just saying.

Heck, I’m glad we have something like the NSA protecting our freedoms, like other paramilitary, sub-governmental groups such as the Taliban, Hezbollah and Hamas protect the freedoms of their constituents.

Thanks, creepy Uncle NSA! Give me a hug. Hey! Tee-hee. Watch the hands!

This message brought to you jingoistically by Lebal Drocer, Inc. – American patriotism at its finest.

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Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism

New NSA Director Will Spy on NSA

Edward Snowden unveiled SAURON, a network of satellites capable of spying on the entire planet's surface and indefinitely retaining the images.
NSA’s Richard Ledgett will spy on everyone and everything, including the NSA.

It was announced Thursday the NSA is installing an all-seeing Eye of Sauron headed by Richard Ledgett. Ledgett will spy on his own spying agency to prevent more incidents like former contractor Edward Snowden.

He was quoted by the AP as saying, “The Lord of America sees all.”

“Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of America sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh. You know of what I speak, Greenwald: a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame.”

With Sauron Technology, Dick Ledgett can see his National Security Agents of Misfortune fucking up in real time, and make them disappear.

This entire story was broken on conditions of anonymity. Not even the NSA spokeswoman would comment on Ledgett’s simple position change.

One thing’s for sure: We’ll all be a lot more free this way.

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Categories
Special Interest Trolling

Internet Attorney Sue Basko Deletes Internet Chronicle Accusations

Shrew BaskoINTERNET – Susanne Brasko, Internet attorney at lawl, took down an article Saturday lambasting The Internet Chronicle’s pivotal role in the FBI raid on Aaron Bale. The article’s takedown coincides with the explosive release of Yung Danny Dantalion’s new hit single “Sue Basko – BASED FREESTYLE.”

Chronicle.su editors said they were hesitant to release Brasko’s threatening article before now. “But traditionally, when an article gets taken down, that’s our cue to ensure the integrity of the historical public record by putting it back up ourselves,” said Hatesec, staff writer for the Chronicle. “This is The Internet Chronicle, ENSURING everything you write online, is truly forever – just like our high school administration promised us it would be. Thanks, Blevins.”

The two-page article can be found below.

NOW PLAYING:  Sue Basko – BASED FREESTYLE *RARE* Yung Danny Dantalion

Basko Threatens the Chronicle [Part 1]

Basko Threatens the Chronicle [Part 2]