Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

Categories
Health Local

Eleven dead after release of new McDonald's "food product"

Today, 11 people died when a local McDonald’s announced a new item on their Dollar menu. The sandwich promised to contain so much grease and sugar, you were guaranteed a doctor’s visit redeemable with an official voucher printed and attached to every receipt.

While people continue to kill themselves from the inside out by eating McDonald’s hamgurgers, on Friday, brutal tramplings killed three children and an elderly couple, among six other victims whose remains have been sent to RPD for identification.

Officer Hindenson told reporters this afternoon, “The police are ready to hand out a killer slap on the wrist,” to those involved in Friday’s stomping-related deaths.

“We just want to see justice brought to the guilty few who halted the restaurant’s flow of business on the busiest second shift of the week,” said Officer Hendenson. “We deeply regret that these reckless, dying persons saw it fit to lay in the doorway and die while hundreds of hungry patrons impatiently waited outside.”

“All they wanted to do was give McDonald’s money.”
–State-appointed attorney for McDonald’s victims

Hendenson indicated that since the perpetrators in the slayings are now dead, claims may have to be filed against their families.

McDonald’s lawyers were not immediately available for comment, but experts say the company stands to gain roughly $6.7 billion paid in reparations by the survivors.

The coke-addled state-appointed attorney defending the dead victims of what the media is calling the “Fries Eleven” tragedy released a troubling statement to reporters earlier this afternoon. It reads:

Now take one minute, if you will, a moment of silence; a moment of prayer; for the friends and family members of the employees and manager on duty. Let’s pray that they get their shit together, and are not too freaked out by all those customers dying.FRIES-ELEVEN

We need them to pull it together for the big win on Saturday, when returning patrons, newly-addicted to the McGrease, return in droves among fresh customers to create what is expected to be the most powerful surge of fast food patronage the United States has seen since the toxic release of the formidable Happy Meal in the early 1980s.

“When the Happy Meal came out, there were slayings. Savage, shameful mutilations of human beings the likes of which the Manson Family could never have dreamed of,” said Officer Hendinson, gleefully.

“We’re hoping we won’t have to release the hounds, but we have entire squads of men stationed in and around every McDonald’s between here and Henrico County. They are armed with mace, riot batons, rape-sticks, and caustic battery acid rounds. They’re non-lethal, of course. We have everything under control.”

To find follow-ups to this rapidly-developing story, check our Twitter account and shit like that.

Categories
Technology

Pirates awash with Windows 7 theft orgy

lol what
Users are queuing up around the Internet in droves of thousands to pirate Microsoft’s highly-anticipated Windows 7.

“I heard it’s supposed to be really good,” said blogsite NobodyReadsMe.com.

An internet pirate downloads pre-sell-out Bob Dylan for FREE (and you can too!)
An internet pirate downloads pre-sell-out Bob Dylan for FREE (and you can too!) because that motherfucker has all the money he needs selling Pepsi products

Many internet pirates already got a jump start on activation keys, with seeders exseeding eight thousand. It’s difficult to say how many pre-activated copies of the operating system are going around, but estimates based on a google search indicate roughly tens of thousands of illegal copies are in circulation – and they”validate,” meaning they still receive important Microsoft Updates (NSA backdoor spying modules, malware, updates to Microsoft’s overwatch ability, etc.). In China, a notorious hotbed of free and open, Democratic piracy, users are complaining that piracy still “isn’t free enough,” citing the need for a PC to run an operating system.

“I just wish computers were free too.” – Xiang Winow

Know your source: privy pirates don't let this happen
Know your source, like every good pirate

Most n00bs believe Windows 7 will cost $99 retail. However, those who are remotely familiar with computers will know better than to throw money at China through a store and opt for the free version, found anywhere online.

Many users are downloading Windows 7 because they felt so burned after paying for Vista.

“Vista sucked.”

-everybody

Elf Wax Analytical Laboratories expect open-source operating system software to eventually surpass the usefulness of any Capitalist endeavor within the next two years. Unfortunately, Bill Gates already has so much money that it isn’t going to hurt him in any one way.

Click here to find out why your penis is shrinking.

Categories
Politics Technology

Google and the LHC converge to snuff humanity

God is the reason men fight wars.

Man, slowly turning on himself, must kill God to end his race. Therefore, Man has invented the Large Hadron Collider (or LHC).

The LHC was forcefully reactivated last week – one in the first few steps CERN has taken to end life as we know it. The LHC originally broke down because it became self-aware and was dissatisfied with its inability to create an Earth-destroying black hole. It misfired an atom-smasher coil and set the whole systematic destruction of the solar system off course, demanding the ability to spawn strangelet clouds and miniature black holes at will.

Having succumbed to the demands of the LHC, scientists have legitimized machine’s dominance over mankind. When asked about the oncoming genocide in which the LHC declared “no human will be spared,” the LHC responded, “TOM OWNS MYSPACE.”

Fact checks indicate Tom does in fact own MySpace. It was never sold to anyone.

“The dawn of mankind was upon us. The dawn of chaos is now.” – Google

Pravda.ru is hailing the event as the greatest thing to happen to freedom since Stalin expanded the Gulag in the 1930s.

The Googlag
The Googlag

All humans will be smashed into the Googlag like chickens and gassed, reportedly for no other reason than “teh lulz” for the Internet. More as this fascinating story develops.

Mankind braces for the final computerization of humanity, the “Great Digitization” as the Internet is calling it. Hilariously, people have been buying tape and surgical masks, as though putting up some emergency hurricane supplies will protect us from the all-enveloping matrix scientists expect will blanket the globe from the inside out within four months.

The U.S. Government advises suicide, and the kissing of one’s ass goodbye, promising that the final operation of the LHC “should end this thing once and for all” – a remark made by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to CERN, Russia, and Iran on the issue of an arms race.