Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

Categories
Politics Technology

Google and the LHC converge to snuff humanity

God is the reason men fight wars.

Man, slowly turning on himself, must kill God to end his race. Therefore, Man has invented the Large Hadron Collider (or LHC).

The LHC was forcefully reactivated last week – one in the first few steps CERN has taken to end life as we know it. The LHC originally broke down because it became self-aware and was dissatisfied with its inability to create an Earth-destroying black hole. It misfired an atom-smasher coil and set the whole systematic destruction of the solar system off course, demanding the ability to spawn strangelet clouds and miniature black holes at will.

Having succumbed to the demands of the LHC, scientists have legitimized machine’s dominance over mankind. When asked about the oncoming genocide in which the LHC declared “no human will be spared,” the LHC responded, “TOM OWNS MYSPACE.”

Fact checks indicate Tom does in fact own MySpace. It was never sold to anyone.

“The dawn of mankind was upon us. The dawn of chaos is now.” – Google

Pravda.ru is hailing the event as the greatest thing to happen to freedom since Stalin expanded the Gulag in the 1930s.

The Googlag
The Googlag

All humans will be smashed into the Googlag like chickens and gassed, reportedly for no other reason than “teh lulz” for the Internet. More as this fascinating story develops.

Mankind braces for the final computerization of humanity, the “Great Digitization” as the Internet is calling it. Hilariously, people have been buying tape and surgical masks, as though putting up some emergency hurricane supplies will protect us from the all-enveloping matrix scientists expect will blanket the globe from the inside out within four months.

The U.S. Government advises suicide, and the kissing of one’s ass goodbye, promising that the final operation of the LHC “should end this thing once and for all” – a remark made by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to CERN, Russia, and Iran on the issue of an arms race.

Categories
Society Technology

Online Gamers Constitute 90 Percent of World's Racists

If you’re like many folks, and you believe that because Barack Obama is the President there is no racism, The Elf Wax Times has news for you!

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Most Americans think we’ve “outgrown” racism or that there’s no place for it. “Racism went out with slavery, at the same time or maybe before,” said Elf Wax Staff Historian Grit Banks. However, online personal attack debates continue on the PlayStation(TM) Network(ALL RIGHTS RESERVED).

“I don’t hate all Black People,” said one gamer who asked to remain anonymous. “I just hate the ones who act black.” Indeed, there’s nothing more satisfying than a night of intense, but rewarding gaming only to be the final kill, followed up by “Shit son, your bitch-ass got dapped, PECKAWOOD!”

Racists are like pretty bad. But eRacism is a widely accepted forum for Hate favored by racists on all sides of the equation, giving credibility to the idea self-critical human history has long regarded as barbaric. In addition, reports can be filed on these gamers directly to Sony, giving the Hatemongers an extra special title for achieving what was once thought impossible: the Offense! title is granted to any player who successfully offends or verbally assaults a gamer into reporting him.

Crosstika
Coveted Emblem from genocide simulator Modern Warfare 2

“It’s a highly sought-after symbol of Hate,” said gamer [KKK]String__em__up, “Surpassing the power of the inverted crucifix and even the Swastika.” This effect is achieved by combining an animation of the two.

While online gamers number in the millions, actual racists account merely for a small percentage, roughly sixty five percent.

As a solution for the ongoing crisis of eRacism, Sony executives are hitting at the implementation of possible eLynchings. The service would be free, but only as long as the victim “really deserved it.”

“I’m gonna use it on one a them towelheads that hate our Freedom,” said one patriotic American who asked not to be named.

It’s thought by some that eRacists, along with Internet Tough Guys, are “all talk” and “got no bark to match the bite.” However eRacists, when provoked, never back down from an eChallenge and will cuss you out to the better end, proving their strength.

Only time will tell whether the eLynchings will produce favorable results. In the meantime, only headshots do the talking.

eLynch now with your friends!

Categories
Health

SWINE FLU FOUND IN CATS

Springfield, Ill.–A cat has contracted the H1N1 virus, better known as “swine flu.” The local veterinarian said it probably caught it from a human family member.

Dr. Ann Garvey, Iowa Department of Public Health Veterinarian, said cats trade influenza with humans, and this can be expected. But was it?

CAT FLU

According to Elf Wax Health Expert, Dr. Langstrom T. Armstrong, Cat Flu is a dangerous mutation of the Swine Flu that doubles in strength following its rebound off the stout feline immune system.

“The Cat Flu, or Pussy Cold – or Cold Pussy, as we like to call it here at The Times, is not as funny as its name implies,” he said. “Cat Flu symptoms are much more damaging than the H1N1 virus from which it mutated. It begins by attacking the brain’s frontal lobe, compromising one’s sense of loyalty.

“People may turn on each other, become distant, live on the fringes, and develop disloyal instincts. My girlfriend contracted cat flu and that bitch can die one thousand deaths in Hell. If you notice these symptoms in your friends or family, tell a government official right away. They will be quarantined, and if need be, incinerated to ensure the disease can not spread,” Dr. Armstrong advised.

Dr. Armstrong went on to warn that anyone suspected of carrying cat flu should be de-clawed and left in the woods where they are to be abandoned physically, intellectually and emotionally. “The bitch of it,” Dr. Asrmstong said, “Is you gotta disconnect yourself in every way from a person with cat flu so when we incinerate ’em it doesn’t hurt you so bad.”

“Really, incineration is the thing.”

ELF WAX UPDATE:

PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA HAS ORDERED THE MASS QUARANTINE OF ANY AND ALL U.S. CITIZENS WHO ARE POTENTIALLY CARRYING THE DISEASE TO BE ROUNDED UP AND PUT INTO CAMPS. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS CAT FLU, REPORT THEM TO THE FBI IMMEDIATELY, OR ELSE FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF BEING LABELED A DOMESTIC BIOLOGICAL TERRORIST FOR AIDING IN THE POISONING AND DESTRUCTION OF HOMELAND SECURITY. DO NOT SLEEP, AMERICA.

READ YOUR BIBLE

This just in:

CAT FLU IS RAMPANT. S.O.S. SEND HELP IMMEDIATELY. THE TIMES OFFICE
IS BEING OVERRUN BY ZOMBIE-EYED CAT PEOPLE. ABANDON ALL HOPE.
COLLAPSE IMMINENT. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS.