“In yet another predictable move, the solved game of 4-D chess grinds on.” Yeah, that’s right, I just quoted myself. It’s 2018 and I’m a smarmy cunt on the Internet! My opinions are organic, handcrafted, and locally sourced.
Hear hear, fellow denizens!
Political discussions, which have Very Important Consequences, must be taken as matters of life or death, friend or foe, Do or Die. YOU THINK THIS A FUCKIN’ GAME SON!?
Be sure to personally identify yourself by a cause (any cause will do!), so that high-minded, abstract, sensitive disagreements are interpreted as an affront to the very essence of your wretched being. As always, be sure to LASH OUT at the first signs of divergence, so as to Win the Aggression first. This is how like, our fucking ancestors did it, man. Tribal hate is tested and approved through the generations, and it WILL work for YOU!
[Editor’s Note – BUSTIN’ Live Ones Edition: THIS JUST IN–SENSITIVE NEWS FOLLOWING–CALL FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE]
Sperg Army rushes to Putin’s defense
“We think they’re edging” says Dr. Yevgeny Trueblood, from Health Insurance Memorial Hospital in NIZHNY NOVGOROD
Droves of proudbois crested the Mongolian hills Saturday, and charged a camp rumored to be operated by Russian rebels.
Word on the street is them boys is 10 days into a no-fapper, and are about ready to bust wide open with Daddy’s Cummies.
Their proud seed may only be spilled on the crescent moon, after Gavin McInnes returns to Joe Rogan, where he is expected to give them boys the A-OK.
Before any Proudbois can advance, Gavin himself must give the signal. So far, he has yet to display it.
Lenny tightens the chinstrap on his red special needs helmet, preparing to raid a Mongoloid village.
“This is what we prepared for,” he said. He then turned and ran in the direction of human microphones, heard in the distance.
The unprovoked attack appeared as part of routine bullshit called Microsoft feature roll-up, a process during which Windows 10 users’ machines do hidden things with implied consent, “like magic.”
For years, Windows has milked its userbase for extra coke money.
In the latest update, a pop-up briefly explains that it has been a while since you paid Microsoft for something, so the Fall Creators’ Update is offering users a choice between premium digital licenses to kiss Bill Gates’ fuzzy, wrinkled ass, or else go fuck yourselves and downgrade to Home Edition for free.
A sleek, modern update portal now lets users subscribe to a random kick in the dick by simply doing nothing. Uncheck a box, or agree to recurring charges, because you deserve it. The first update’s on the house!
Have your credit cards ready, because these Microsoft Windows 10 updates don’t fuck around.
Personality disorders are a significant, and highly sought after, social distinction in American society. But so-called “experts” warn increases in mood disorders pose a threat to public health in the United States, and probably elsewhere – surely there are other places – but who fucking cares about them?
Mental illness is cool
I’m depressed!
Romanticizing school shooters is not only fun, it’s profitable, too!
While the over-pussification of American society has pushed down crime rates overall, mass murder and public shootings have dramatically increased.
Raleigh T. Sakers instituted a rule to be followed by all news desks, from CNN to the Internet Chronicle, that in the event of a mass shooting, each publication is then expected to dig deep into the sordid, abuse-enhanced backstories of such losers as those douchebags from Columbine, or that incel from 4chan, or Barron Trump.
Then we publish it: chronicle.su style
Not enough people know how sexy it is to shoot up a school, according to Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Chief Researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Brooding Evil.
This has not stopped anyone from turning into a sociopath, Troubadour said, adding that there is “no hope” for the future.
“I’m OCD,” Troubadour mocked. “I’m bipolar. I’m depressed. Oh, I was molested by a babysitter.”
Everyone’s depressed, at least in America, Troubadour said. As long as you aren’t actually depressed, it’s cool as shit to be depressed!
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour delivers babies into the world, and works hard to keep them from acting like little bitches about it.
Leading experts from the Boulder, Colorado University of Like Whatever Man say school shooters reflect Millennials’ rejections of societal norms. University fellow Susan Crabtree blames the increase in sociopathic disorders on growing pressures from modern economic mainstays.
“When you live in a capitalist society such as this, it’s just gonna fuck you over in the end,” Crabtree said. “There’s people out there today still working in the same conditions that once made Upton Sinclair’s dick hard. Have you seen what customer service does to people?”
Children are sooo fucking special
We reached out to today’s youth and asked them what’s the big deal with you little idiots? Like why are you all acting like you have depression when you’re actually just useless, boring, uninteresting underachievers, like your friends?
“I was all dissociative for a while because I thought it would make me appear cool, deep, and out-of-reach. That didn’t work, so now I appear in other people’s black and white photography smoking a joint.” –Jenna, 17, is now considered cool among her peers“Actually, there’s a lot of unseen pressure coming from within. I am just a baby striving to pay my bills, but I’ve already risen to the level of Captain in the armed forces. I once wanted to paint nature scenes. And I sometimes wonder, ‘What if?'” –USAF Captain John Fournier, 15 months old“The only sounds louder than the voices in my head are the terrified screams of my victims.” –Tommy, 13
Dr. Troubadour said that in his 30-odd years of conflict resolution, he believes narcissists and sociopaths are an increasing public annoyance, but hardly a health hazard.
If instances of personality disorders continue to arise, he admits, it could be time to institute a mandatory mental health purge, and begin eradicating bloodlines that can’t suppress the urge to appear brooding, moody or introverted.
Sakers looks to another approach:
“We have enough music. We have enough tortured artists. We already got enough fuckin’ poetry. Write some god damn fucking comedy or get the fuck out of my timeline. You’re not made for this business. You’re weak! YOU NEVER TRANSCENDED! Now go back in there and suck your momma’s titty til you’re finished cooking because I don’t need to get shot up while I’m at the god damn opera.”
Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc: “Get the fuck out of my office.”
