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Health

Asbestos restoration plan goes into effect Monday

Lebal Drocer stocks rose 40% Friday morning after the company’s eccentric executive Raleigh T. Sakers announced that he would return to the asbestos industry. This comes just two months after an explosive re-conceptualization of the Environmental Protection Agency, which now offers a framework for allowing new asbestos products back into US markets.

Back to School: Asbestos ceiling and floor tiles are being reintroduced to the Roanoke County Public School system in Virginia.
Back to School: Just in time for the Fall semester, Asbestos ceiling and floor tiles are being reintroduced to the Roanoke County Public School system in Virginia.

“It was high time the EPA recognized asbestos has a place not only on the periodic table of elements – it’s all natural – but in American homes, too,” Sakers said. “That’s why I, personally, – Raleigh Theodore Sakers – will blow the first load of Lebal Drocer Patented Asbestos Foam into one lucky homeowner’s hovel, blessing that shitnest with flame retardant properties!”

Asbestos is a clean, efficient product designed to keep you warm during the winter, and flame retardant for when you fall asleep with a cigarette burning or a doobie.

Qualifying Americans are automatically enrolled in the upcoming asbestos replenishment plan. The top one percent are exempt from the asbestos replacement tax penalty, as well as anyone wealthy enough to prove they should not be exposed to the mineral. There is a tax waiver being offered to those who agree to a one-month free trial of Amazon Prime. Cancel any time.

For more information about Asbestos and its advantages, read here. Overlook any health warnings you may see, as the site has become outdated, and they do not take into consideration our new & improved EPA testing standards.

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News

Gangstalkers being used to suppress Russian trolls

Rare footage shows two gangstalkers caught on film in a Linden, New Jersey Walmart. The man in the background is not involved.
Rare footage shows two gangstalkers caught on film in a Linden, New Jersey Walmart. The man in the background is not involved.

MOSCOW–Americans wary of Russian trolls meddling in their social media need not worry. A mercurial group known loosely as ‘gangstalkers’ have reportedly shown up at targeted individuals’ workplaces, homes, and churches to menace individual Russian trolls rumored to operate dozens of accounts per day from a single computer.

Insider reports coming out of Russian troll farms in Moscow mostly involve the trademark sudden appearance of gangstalkers outside the homes and offices of the Russian trolls controlling our democracy.

Gangstalkers are even said to appear unannounced in public places like department stores and supermarkets to harass or intimidate victims. But is the group guided by a conscious force?

Do you even know what is going on in this country?

Russian trolls use all manner of virtual machines, VPNs and onion routing to disguise their activity from Twitter and make their traffic appear convincing to third-party network audits. For too long Russian trolls were allowed to poison America’s media diet with propaganda. Gangstalkers noticed, and began a full-scale assault on trolls by targeting individuals associated with troll farming in Russia.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is a former gangstalker and public speaker after retiring in the late 90s. Troubadour now describes his tactics to a small class of about 12 aspiring gangstalkers at the University of Lebal Drocer in Boulder, Colorado.

“No matter what you’re interested in, you got to be a little obsessive,” Troubadour told Chronicle in a phone interview Wednesday. “Whether it’s anime, or ejaculating on miniature anime figurines, or ordering plastic surgery to look like your favorite ecchi star, you’ve got to be just a little bit obsessive to get into this gangstalking stuff.”

Troubadour, a 49-year-old father of two, once spent hours each sleepless night scouring social media to unmask and harass Russian troll operatives popping up on his Facebook feed. Now, he just talks about it like an old burnout.

You used to be somebody, Troubadour. Now look at you. Smarmy cunt. Because a classroom full of college students thinks you’re funny, that must mean you’re a complete man, now, huh? You “made it” didn’t you? The fuck outta here. “Experts” are “Ex-” used to be somebodies. Now you’re nothing.

Real Gangstalkers: Call Radio Hate tonight at midnight EST to talk to HATESEC LIVE at (917) 675-4836. Internet Chronicle wants to hear your gangstalking stories and bloopers. We want to hear from YOU – the fucking losers in this world.

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Categories
Trolling

Lebal Drocer Valor Foundation to Secure Permanent Embassy Home For Julian Assange

Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev's fundraising campaign.
Barrett Brown has been publicly criticizing Assange, who then got butthurt and took away his money.

Barrett Brown cussed that old Julian Assange for the last time. He cussed him bad enough, and a lady from the Courage Foundation wrote Barrett to notify him they were pulling his whistleblower aide.

After cutting ties to Barrett Brown, the Courage Foundation redirected funding to finance a lifetime lease on Julian Assange’s embassy hotel room, which would have run out soon without that money.

The money has been placed in a secondary fund, the Lebal Drocer Valor Foundation, to commemorate Assange’s bravery in Brown’s historic removal.

barrett brown removed from courage foundation

With Brown out of the way, Assange can resume carrying out transparency against his enemies.

The Valor Foundation: A New Dawn

Assange, no longer threatened by the imminence of the Pursuance Project, will sleep soundly tonight…if he can ignore the scratching sounds of Barrett carefully picking apart the floorboards, and crumbing for representation.