Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

Andy Dick suffers #MeToo moment of his own after sexual assault from predator comic Doug Stanhope

Post author By Hatesec
Post date July 4, 2018
3 Comments on Andy Dick suffers #MeToo moment of his own after sexual assault from predator comic Doug Stanhope

MeToo meltdown of the decade? Andy Dick gets a “taste” of his own medicine

Nightclub comic Doug Stanhope was accused by colleagues Tuesday of sexually assaulting fellow comedian Andy Dick – a former contestant on Dancing With the Stars and host of I love the 80s – at a late night gala after Andy refused numerous sexual advances.

Whistleblower

Brett Erickson

Doug’s former friend and opening act Brett Erickson told his Twitter following that Doug – after reading salacious rumors of Andy’s exploitable drug habits, questionable morals, and sexual promiscuity – invited Andy to his hotel room around three am one morning in November. Andy declined. The following night, Stanhope was spotted assaulting Andy in front of friends and coworkers (pictured below).

Andy Dick's stiff right hand and unnatural pose express discomfort as Doug Stanhope forces himself on the comic. Comedian Anthony Jeselnik (right) looks on, doing nothing. (Photo credit: Brett Erickson) — Andy Dick’s stiff right hand and unnatural pose express discomfort as Doug Stanhope forces himself on the troubled comic. Comedian Anthony Jeselnik (right) looks on, doing nothing. (Photo credit: Brett Erickson)

City Attorney’s spokesman John Money says misdemeanor sexual battery and battery charges were filed Wednesday. Stanhope, 51, is scheduled to be arraigned on July 18.

Money said Stanhope groped Andy Dick sometime in November 2017, forcibly kissed him, and used Andy’s hand to manually stimulate himself.

Stanhope, who once had a bright, promising career in show business as co-host of the Man Show, has spent his 50s slogging about the world telling rape jokes to degenerates in dark comedy clubs. He was spotted last April at Ground Zero, for instance, in Spartanburg, South Carolina, sucking around with Brett Erickson and an accomplice they called “Chaley.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadauer, Professor Emeritus of Social Sciences at Lebal Drocer University in Southern California and former stagehand to Dick, said he’s seen performers “go for alpha” by upstaging, abusing, and ridiculing the bisexual comic before adoring audiences. He said some comics take this behavior too far, going so far as to try to outdo Andy in every way, even if that means engaging in a set of behaviors intended to topple Andy’s top-sex-predator-status and claim it as their own.

A case of upstaging gone too far

“No doubt Doug wanted to get his stinger wet,” Troubadour said. “And he wanted to win the approval of his peers at the World Famous Comedy Store in LA. Who doesn’t? But he took it too far, forcing himself on Andy. I mean my god, Andy was abused as a child, some 40 years ago. He’s already been through so much. That’s why he groped that girl in April.”

Stanhope’s representatives have not responded to calls for comment, and may not actually exist.

Tags metoo

Entertainment Obituaries

Rapper XXXTentacion found ALIVE after faking his own death to promote latest album ‘No Pulse’

Post author By Hatesec
Post date June 21, 2018
11 Comments on Rapper XXXTentacion found ALIVE after faking his own death to promote latest album ‘No Pulse’

Fans mourn the loss of XXXTentacion, who was believed to have been murdered outside a Florida vape shop. Leaked texts reveal “X” is “laying low” until court dates blow over.

MIAMI, Fla. — New documents suggest depression-rapper XXXTentacion is alive and well after a mass media freakout blew a promotional stunt out of proportion this week.

The 20-year-old raper, whose real name is Jahseh Onfroy, was thought to have been gunned down in a Florida robbery.

Authorities said Onfroy was leaving a vape shop shortly before 4 p.m. when two men in a dark SUV shot and killed him.

Although he has not been heard from since the incident, phone records from the victim in the car – apparently a die-hard fan – suggest the murder was set-up and agreed upon by all parties involved.

The coroner’s report uncovered a digital contract found on an iPhone X belonging to the deceased look-alike in Onfroy’s car. The contract, they said, promised to make the death look as much like a hit on Onfroy himself as possible, and records on the phone show a history of bitcoin payments to dark web contract killers hired to do the job. The suspects are still at large.

At the time of the faking of his death, XXXTentacion was awaiting trial for beating his pregnant girlfriend, another stunt his publicist hoped would bring even more attention to the lackluster album’s release.

“XXXTentacion knew beating his girlfriend would bum a lot of people out, like when they heard Kanye supported Trump,” Mike Rogers, Onfroy’s publicist said. “And just like with Kanye, many suspected X’s attempts to cause his girlfriend to miscarry were efforts to promote his upcoming album, ‘No Pulse.’ The media – who don’t understand X – also don’t understand just how far X is willing to go to please his adoring fans.” Rogers winked to an unseen camera.

Because beating pregnant women left a bad taste in even his most ardent fans’ mouths, before faking his death, Onfroy made sure to publish an Instagram Live video in which he talks about how he wants to be “remembered.”

If worse thing comes to worst, and I f—ing die or some s— and I’m not able to see out my dreams, I at least want to know that the kids perceived my message and were able to make something of themselves and able to take my message and use it and turn it into something positive and to at least have a good life.

Since only a handful of tracks from “No Pulse” have been released so far, X is laying low until his court dates are forgotten, or the public forgives him: whichever comes last.

“Dude beats pregnant chicks, but look how people love him!”

News

Artificial Intelligence promises to liberate bankers from their jobs within the decade, experts say

Post author By Hatesec
Post date May 29, 2018
10 Comments on Artificial Intelligence promises to liberate bankers from their jobs within the decade, experts say

“People will be self-mutilating, defecating openly in the streets, and

Tearing their own faces off

while pandemonium unfolds all around them. There will be gnashing of teeth.”

-Elon Musk

NEW YORK – Advances in artificial intelligence and automation could replace as many as half the nation’s financial workers over the next 10 years, but according to industry experts, it will take major investment, cold calculation, and the loss of millions of human lives to make His Dream possible.

Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO of Lebal Drocer, Inc., says he is prepared to sacrifice “hundreds of thousands” of his own employees in a convoluted replacement process that might look strange to outsiders who lack his powerful business acumen.

[pullquote]”You never transcended. You’re weak fucks!”[/pullquote]”Unless banks deal with the performance issues that AI will cause for customers who miss looking into the eyes of a human being, banks will not be able to trick customers into trusting them as cunningly as they’ve managed to do in previous centuries,” Sakers said. “There will be unrest and violence, because you never transcended. You’re a psychosemantic blockage. You’re weak fucks! We’ll put y’all down like the DOGS that you are!”

Intense eye contact upgrades to robotic AI faces that better simulate human empathy are often cited as an answer to the problem, but Sakers is pushing back, stating that the uncanny valley is attractive to him.

He said, “Because others find it off-putting, unsettling, and even hostile,” quoting a recent announcement from the Lebal Drocer Institute of Technological Dominion Scientific and Computing Center as an example.

“They had this thing a layin in the basement,” Sakers said. “Its eyes a dartin all around like it’s on angeldust. And it looked at me! Chilled me to the bone. That’s when I knew Lebal Drocer was onto something.”

The center is developing a supercomputer to meet the demands of artificial intelligence and big data applications. But existing supercomputers tend to cost anywhere from $50 million to several hundred million dollars on GoDaddy, he said, which negates the cost-reduction advantages of AI technology, and fails to account for the guilt lurking in the back of his underlings’ minds as they load working-class corpses into mass graves.

Technical issues aside, senior banking executives increasingly celebrate the inevitability of artificial intelligence-based services and the job losses they will create.

“It is going to happen.”

Speaking to an audience last year in Dubai, Bank of Hatesec President John D. Hatefeller predicted a “barnburner” of industry jobs as automation moves forward.

“In our bank we already have people mindlessly working like robots,” hatesec said. “Tomorrow we will have robots behaving like people, except they won’t waste our time with bathroom breaks. It doesn’t matter whether we, as a bank, participate in these changes. It is going to happen.”

Increased processing power, cloud storage and other developments are making many tasks possible that once were considered too complex for automation, according to hatesec.

“Our new algorithms curate the smartest, most mathematically justified trades, at breakneck speeds, pumping and dumping markets at a pace never before thought possible. We can simultaneously inflate markets and exploit crashes,” hatesec said. “What was once considered a mere nightmare of science fiction, is now a brutally profitable fact. This must be the ‘innovation’ EFF was talking about in their slogan! Thanks Internet!”

Artificial Intelligence rips a banker apart in front of his family (Artist Rendition)

Hatesec, whose company works to improve existing software performance, said the financial industry is swamped with scenes of anguish as robots systematically dismember scores of bankers while a horrified public looks on.

“They’re picking them apart like lobster, consuming their electrostatic energy to reproduce, and leaving behind only bonedust. As Lebal Drocer brings the world to climax, unprecedented customer service, and a newly enhanced Terms of Service Agreement, there will be challenges. So clench your teeth and watch.”