Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

Categories
Technology

AI logs keystrokes by sound alone, putting noisy mechanical keyboard users at greatest risk

Understanding the individual sound of keystrokes is important for undermining efforts by the working class to organize.

Even the Silent Reds are decipherable through artificial intelligence, according to a new paper by a team of researchers from British universities. Their paper on acoustic side channel attack, released last week, says AI can identify keystrokes with 95% accuracy through sound alone.

In the study, experimenters correctly identified keystrokes on a MacBook Pro, overheard through a nearby phone, 95% of the time.

Advertisers from Lebal Drocer, Inc. have already begun using the new technology to learn more about their customers through keystrokes than they ever learned overhearing conversations through the microphone about toilet paper.

Chief researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Consumer Studies, Albert H. Troudemaeier, said he was able to get his colleagues’ passwords during a Zoom meeting.

“No matter the context, if there’s a keyboard singing, this software knows the tune,” Troudemaeier said. “With recent developments in microphone technology, as well as deep learning models, the rate at which we can determine what our customers want, need — what they fear — has expanded by analyzing the very content of their keystrokes, enabling us to serve them better than we ever could before. It’s very powerful, and uses existing hardware access everyone has already agreed to it in the terms of service.”

Laptops are ideal vectors for analysis because of their portability. People take their laptops to work in public spaces like libraries, whorehouses, and university lecture halls, where the sound of typing is recorded, unnoticed, by every other laptop in the room.

“You can hide your screen,” Troudemaeier said, “but you can’t hide that unmistakable sound. We will find you.”

This message is brought to you by the Lebal Drocer Super Surfin’ Keyboard. With our laser projected keyboard, no one will hear you cumming.
Categories
Editorial

Internet Chronicle trustworthy? Yes, chronicle.su is a trustworthy news source

Fact checkers work long hours without bathroom breaks in a chronicle.su "writer's room."
Quickly now, before we start to look pretty.

Hello and welcome to the Internet website, Internet Chronicle.

What’s the matter? Real news wrong and the wrong news is right? Not here. This is the Internet Chronicle, where you are wrong, and we are right.

Shut up!

Shut your brain down and focus on the words coming out of this website.

The news happened today. Did you know that? The news happened. You read it here first. News occurred, today it did.

You trust Internet Chronicle. You know truth when you see it, and you trust us. You trust this website to tell you when news happens.

A glance at our publishing schedule tells you that hard news is rare, with very little happening in between that would connect the major events reported here.

The truth is that between these stories, the undocumented world is scary out there. To step outside the doors of Chronicle headquarters – not that we would want to – is to exit into a purple swarming quagmire. Reality is an electrical storm of disconnected, unrelated events happening in every possible combination, all at once. There’s no way to properly report that. Not only has it never been done, it has never been successfully attempted. People who have tried are regarded as crazy, having returned from a land of madness, being touched by chaos and, rather than communicating it, they become it.

gaddafi in shades
What the fuck are we doing way out here in the middle of the desert?

Like water, an algorithm moves information along the path of least resistance.

At the Internet Chronicle, we eat brunch on the beaches of Algorithm River, watching from our signature stillness as a stream of content flows by.

From that river we fish out stories at random, flowing not with the water below, but charged by the winds of the lightning storm writhing in the sky, where everything smells like gunpowder and neutrinos cut the open eye.

Therefore, because you might remember how StalinGPT emerged two weeks ago, or Elon Musk screwing sex dolls past their breaking point in May, when drawing conclusions from these stories and how they fit together, it is important to remember the entropy shooting around in the miasma outside. Laser guided cats are teleporting in from some kind of spaceship in geostationary orbit. We don’t actually know who that is or why they are doing it.

In light of all this outlandish shit, it is easy to forget that Tucker Carlson died. It’s crazy out there.

That is why you read Internet Chronicle. We are here to help you make sense of this stuff.

Happy Juneteenth everyone!

Categories
Local

Four dead, one critical after family sedan crashes into false tunnel painted on canyon wall

Coyote prime suspect

SALT LAKE CITY—A car has been smashed to pieces in a fiery crash that left a Yosemite family dead, and one critically injured.

While on vacation in the Great Basin Desert on Friday, a family of four crashed into a false tunnel, a mural painted on the side of a cliff face made to resemble the continuation of a two-lane blacktop like the family was already driving on.

Unlike his wife and daughter, the driver of the car did not die immediately upon impact. EMT Matt Lawson said he told them his name was Sam, before succumbing to death.

“When we arrived on the scene he was still looking around in shock, blood in his mustache, not his blood,” Lawson said. “That was when Sam saw his family, dead and dying in the car. He then lay back in the driver’s seat, holding fresh white roses to his chest, as X’s formed over his eyes, and he was gone.”

Chief Deputy Chad Marsden said the scene was too gruesome to describe, choosing instead to highlight the bravery of one sole survivor.

“We pulled the boy out of the car,” Marsden said. “The only survivor. He come slinking out of the vehicle shaped like an accordion. Played music as he waddled over to paramedics.”

Tragically, after being loaded into an ambulance, they too encountered a false tunnel, this time painted into a tree. There were no survivors.

According to deputies the suspect made no effort to cover his tracks. Detectives say both scenes were littered with black and white paint cans, all labeled ACME. Investigators working at the crash site say it is not the first time they have encountered materials or supplies from that company used in senseless acts of violence.

“These antics have got to stop,” Marsden said. “The perpetrator of these zany, over-the-top, hilarious acts of senseless violence must be brought to justice.”

Authorities are looking for a coyote who was seen in the area on the same day.

“It is very unusual for a coyote to be out in the daytime, by his self,” Marsden said. “If you see this coyote, do not engage as he is considered to be armed and dangerous with giant powerful magnets and cheap weapons, which are prone to backfire. Instead, please report any sightings to 911.”