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Health News

Confiscated Human Report confirms vulnerabilities to illness, disease

GOBLIN NEWS

Confiscated news item from the human front:

More and more people are grabbing doorknobs and touching their eyes, mouths, and noses, leading to deadly infection. “Spinal Meningitis” is not just a cool Ween song, it’s also a cool and dangerous disease, and new cases are on the rise, says Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Fellow at the Infectious Diseases Institute in Lebal Drocer Falls, Minnesota.

Troubadour says spinal meningitis is not that serious, and that there are painful and expensive treatments for it, should such a need arise.

dr troubadour
Real Doctor :)

“Hi, I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour. So you fucked around and got your spinal fluid infected?”

Not to worry. Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals offers a series of low-cost, high-pain injections, and high-cost, painful injections. A solution for every patient/customer!

Buy my stuff, and learn what sick really means.
       —Dr. T

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Categories
News

Internal investigation: Prisoners accused of stabbing Derek Chauvin cleared of wrongdoing

Tucson, Ariz.—A group of Federal Correctional Institution inmates has been cleared of wrongdoing in two internal investigations into allegations of misconduct against the group and the key figure who stabbed Derek Chauvin, the Minneapolis police officer convicted of murdering George Floyd, a source on the inside told Internet Chronicle on Saturday.

The cell block inmate leading the investigation has also recommended that his accusers themselves be investigated for making false statements.

It is the second investigation in two days involving Inmate #3615446 following the incident with Chauvin in which a sharpened toothbrush entered the officer’s body while in inmate custody during an inmate-involved stabbing.

Inmates acted quickly to perform life-saving measures on Chauvin. One man, who was not authorized to publicly discuss details of the attack and rescue, spoke to Internet Chronicle on the condition of anonymity.

“I saw he was bleeding from the neck,” the inmate said. “Because Blue Lives Matter, I could not let this man go out on my watch. Using one knee I applied nine minutes of life saving pressure to the airway and jugular vein.”

He said other inmates were outraged.

“One guy said, ‘Get off him. You’re saving him,'” the inmate told Chronicle. “I was just chillin. I said, ‘No I’m not.’ I knew that honkey was breathing.”

Chauvin’s tweeting is the second high-profile attack on a federal prisoner this year. In July, disgraced sports medicine asshole Larry Nassar was stabbed by a fellow inmate in Florida: An attack inmates said was his word against theirs.

Chauvin is serving a 21-year federal sentence for violating Floyd’s civil rights and a 22-year sentence for second-degree murder, putting him dangerously at risk of hurting himself again at an as-yet undisclosed date and time.

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Categories
Local

people are freaking out

people in the Area are freaking out. their hearts in the right place but their noggins idnt.

im scared

     –area ]pumpkin

this has been chronicle.su breaking news update. hunting people for sport is how we make money. internet chronicle windows 10

calm down, punkin