Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

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News

All news – even real news – declared fake news by real fake news review board

STOCKHOLM – After months of rigorous study, discussion and thought experiments, researchers from Lebal Drocer Laboratories, a news analysis think tank, concluded in a white paper released Wednesday that “all news is fake news” under a revised definition of the term ‘fake news.’

Fake news is information that is not news, the conclusion states, because no one wants to hear it and it doesn’t bring clicks.

“The words fake and real are falling quickly out of fashion,” said leading news expert Angstrom H. Troubadour, a pioneer in the fake news field of study. “But I’ll tell you this right now, and it’s the truth: There ain’t no such as thing as real news. That real news is a lie. It’s garbage. It’s trash. It’s fake.”

Troubadour gently explained that readerships suffer from fake news, especially that found in print-online publications, where critical facts and narrative-altering details are ignored by TV entertainment news because they simply aren’t true, and have therefore failed to earn their place on the global stage among real news networks such as CNN, FOX News, MSNBC and The Drudge Report.

Because Journalism is the first draft of history.

And history is written by the victors!

USA! USA! USA! CNN! USA! USE! MEXICO! HELP ME OUT! OF MY LOW! SELF ESTEEM! USA! USA! NSA!

I said, damn, that’s good cocaine.

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“Now, I don’t need to tell you where to go for the real news,” Doc Trouble said. “I suppose since you’re listening to me, you’re already hearing it. You’re hearing the real news right now – better not be reading it.”

Jake Davis, whose name appears on the Lebal Drocer Labs paper, said fake news can come from anywhere, leading to real confusion.

“There’s fake news on fake sites, there’s real fake news on fake real sites, then there’s fake fake news on real fake sites,” Jake said. “If you can’t tell the difference between real fake news and fake fake news, you might be a victim of the real fake algorithms.”

After Facebook made it acceptable to label unwanted information, a cabal of fake news writers are determined to erode the little bit of integrity left in the journalism field. Even The Internet Chronicle has come under fire from hate groups that seek to tarnish your reality with differing versions of their own. Which reality will win?

Stay tuned to find out the answer to all this and more. Take your TerrorMax, and always be on the lookout for more real fake news from your favorite fake real news site, The Internet Chronicle!

Chronicle.su is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We own everything that matters.

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Categories
News

Peon masses kneel before EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON

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TerrorMax is approved by the world's leading doctor.
To everyone’s pleasant surprise, EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON took control of the entire world Tuesday.

NEW YORK – Inhabitants of planet Earth knelt before the omnipotent ruler of everything Tuesday, EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON, our new benevolent master.

EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON is pleased to announce the creation of a SPAWNING POOL from His dimension, which experts believe will play a crucial role in the new, mandatory 60-hour work week scheduled immediately.

New bylaws introduced by Arbiter of Order EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON restrict unpleasant behaviors such as thievery, busking or begging.

All criminals are now subject to the correctional brutality of a furnace of rotating gears, shafts, cranks and pistons that grind these toxic people into dust and reconstitute them into poison gas for healing the rest of our planet of dangerous biological impurity.

Citizens fawn and celebrate their beautiful New Leader, entertaining not so much as the thought of resisting Him.

EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON warmly greeted an audience from atop his throne of rare pygmy bones, and consumed his strongest supporters with fervor and grace. Applause ripped through the auditorium and surged across a sea, flooding Haiti.

Haiti resolutely sacrificed themselves in His Honor. EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON uttered his catchphrase: “DEATH TO ALL NONBELIEVERS!”

Thank you, Haiti.

HAIL EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON

This article is brought to you proudly by EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON. Death to all nonbelievers.

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Categories
Entertainment Obituaries

6 people who should have taken Santa’s suicide threats more seriously

Santa Clause is on a tear! And this holiday season, it’s everyone’s fault but his. All the people destroying Santa’s life could have paid the ultimate price, but Santa’s last gift to the world was himself.

Never forget.

To brighten the lives of those affected by Kris Kringle’s tragic self-destruction, The Internet Chronicle has compiled a list of all the people who ever brought Santa down, and should have seen it coming.

1. His wife

Mrs. Clause, that cheatin’ bitch

2. His minister

“santa kept insisting he had the same powers as Christ, he should get the same recognition as Christ. I told him yeah, but you ain’t him.”

He said, “I’ll show you. I’ll show all of you how powerful I am.”

3. His best friend

Things got weird after a drunken night on the South Pole, where Santas and best friends sometimes go to get away from their cheating wives.

Details are unclear, but sources close to the proto-deity toy-giver suggest a hot tub was involved and at one point, a man was overheard shouting, “Santa’s Workshop is for experimenting, too.”

4. His country club mistress

Santa makes and delivers toys in a single miraculous night, but come December 26th, the big guy is – frankly – all out of miracles.

After all, he’s only a man.

5. The Elves

Santa’s Elves say they worked permanent days through permanent nights, while Santa’s frenzy for toys only grew hungrier with the passing weeks.

Before turning the gun on himself, Santa destroyed as many as 27 elf slaves.

6. NORAD

While tracking Santa as we’ve done every year since the technology was invented, we noticed a decline in Santa’s enthusiasm for visiting ghettoes and favelas.

In recent years we also took notice of Santa’s marked preference for delivering toys to the little boys and girls living at liquor stores and known whorehouses.

So long, Saint Nick!

Where we’re going, we won’t need toys.