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Categories
Politics

It’s 2016, and suddenly everyone’s opinions matter. We heard yours!

RICHMOND, Va. — We went to Virginia Commonwealth University, and hung out on the quad, and near a daycare center – where the young people are – to let their voices be heard.

Let’s hear what kids think about the 2016 election:

Harris:I can’t wait until we go back to the cold reality of, ‘Oh, yeah, I should have known that candidate I voted for was owned by banks.'”

Harris, 18, VCU.
Harris, 18, VCU.

Tiffany:I think the presidency is important because we have so many important issues right now. Like, can you believe the iPhone 7 doesn’t have an earphone jack?”

Tiffany, 21, is not as conscientious as she looks.
Tiffany, 21, is not as conscientious as she looks.

Matt: “I think it’s time for Trump to get serious, and talk about the issues that matter, like can you believe I haven’t played my Wii U in over a year? What did we even win after World War II? Thanks for nothing, Hirohito!”

Matt - college guy
Matt, 20, VCU.

Jaydien:The two-party system is really just two sides of the same coin. It doesn’t matter which way you toss that coin. Whether it’s heads or tails, the people lose. I would be very concerned for the future of this country, if I wasn’t a baby.”

Babies are stupid.
Jaydien, 1. Daycare near VCU. Babies are stupid.

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Categories
Local

This man can’t believe how good PCP is on first time trying it

“I feel so good I could throw someone through a fence!” announced Gerald Davis, moments after smoking PCP for his very first time, and just before getting behind the wheel of a friend’s 2001 Honda Accord.

man-high-on-pcp

Police in Roanoke, Virginia reported that a driver high on PCP bailed out of the moving car on Brambleton Ave., leaving another man high on PCP to take the wheel.

Davis ran into a crowded Kroger supermarket around 2:45 a.m. and began shopping, hoping to blend in.

Store manager Debra Cau said Davis’ clothes – new blue jeans and an orange Virginia Tech t-shirt – looked new, but also freshly torn.

“He walked in bleeding from his eyes, looking around at everything, which was strange,” Cau said, “But then I thought, ‘Hey! People bleed from the eyes in here all the time.’ Still, I knew something was wrong when that boy carried a shopping cart under one arm like it was a grocery basket.”

Police arrived 15 minutes later, armed with tasers, pepper spray and riot batons. After surrounding Davis and using two tasers on him, Davis continued shopping as they sprayed him directly in the eyes with their pepper spray. Davis continued shopping, politely ignoring the officers.

Officers say they chased Davis outside, where even riot batons to the knee did not bring Davis down. Officer Tom Hearst said Davis stood under an awning as if waiting for something.

“At approximately 3:10, a white Honda pulled into the parking lot. The car had fresh damage, and there were shrubs stuck in the grill. Grass and dirt all over it,” Hearst said. “They seemed to know each other. It was at that time we realized this was an Accord somebody called about earlier doing donuts in a front yard.”

Police say that is when they surrounded the vehicle, demanding Davis and his anonymous driver step out of the car and surrender.

“Davis got in the car, and that is when we opened fire,” Hearst said, shaking his head. “We put the hammer down on a couple of screws. These boys did not even succumb to gunfire. They appeared to feel no pain.”

The pair drove away, and were never seen again. Roanoke Police knew they had lost, and capitulated right there in the parking lot.

Some say them boys is still out there, wet, high on angeldust, cruising.

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Categories
Reviews

No Man’s Sky sets new bar on gaming possibilities

“Hello Games promised the universe, and they delivered,” says Steam user cUnTmOnk3y69. “No Man’s Sky is about sci-fi novel covers. You fly around and look at math visuals with unprecedented omniscience.”

Users reported getting stoned and playing the popular science fiction exploration game for upwards of 12 hours in a single sitting.

“Although it was pretty boring, we just kept doing it,” says Internet Chronicle game reviewer hatesec. “I upgraded my multi-tool several times. Sometimes that made it worse.”

no mans sky1

No Man’s Sky

Features

Interactive online multiplayer

Fly together with your friends, grief opponents online, and imagine yourselves entangled in some kind of operatic space fantasy, because you constantly need to escape.

Massive space battles

Join any faction, and your choices have huge impact on how the game deletes your progress after reaching the center of any galaxy.

Other shit

You get it, the game kinda sucks but I’m being cute about it. Not worth $60. Not worth much, anyway.