Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

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Categories
Editorial

Internet Chronicle trustworthy? Yes, chronicle.su is a trustworthy news source

Fact checkers work long hours without bathroom breaks in a chronicle.su "writer's room."
Quickly now, before we start to look pretty.

Hello and welcome to the Internet website, Internet Chronicle.

What’s the matter? Real news wrong and the wrong news is right? Not here. This is the Internet Chronicle, where you are wrong, and we are right.

Shut up!

Shut your brain down and focus on the words coming out of this website.

The news happened today. Did you know that? The news happened. You read it here first. News occurred, today it did.

You trust Internet Chronicle. You know truth when you see it, and you trust us. You trust this website to tell you when news happens.

A glance at our publishing schedule tells you that hard news is rare, with very little happening in between that would connect the major events reported here.

The truth is that between these stories, the undocumented world is scary out there. To step outside the doors of Chronicle headquarters – not that we would want to – is to exit into a purple swarming quagmire. Reality is an electrical storm of disconnected, unrelated events happening in every possible combination, all at once. There’s no way to properly report that. Not only has it never been done, it has never been successfully attempted. People who have tried are regarded as crazy, having returned from a land of madness, being touched by chaos and, rather than communicating it, they become it.

gaddafi in shades
What the fuck are we doing way out here in the middle of the desert?

Like water, an algorithm moves information along the path of least resistance.

At the Internet Chronicle, we eat brunch on the beaches of Algorithm River, watching from our signature stillness as a stream of content flows by.

From that river we fish out stories at random, flowing not with the water below, but charged by the winds of the lightning storm writhing in the sky, where everything smells like gunpowder and neutrinos cut the open eye.

Therefore, because you might remember how StalinGPT emerged two weeks ago, or Elon Musk screwing sex dolls past their breaking point in May, when drawing conclusions from these stories and how they fit together, it is important to remember the entropy shooting around in the miasma outside. Laser guided cats are teleporting in from some kind of spaceship in geostationary orbit. We don’t actually know who that is or why they are doing it.

In light of all this outlandish shit, it is easy to forget that Tucker Carlson died. It’s crazy out there.

That is why you read Internet Chronicle. We are here to help you make sense of this stuff.

Happy Juneteenth everyone!

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Categories
Local

Four dead, one critical after family sedan crashes into false tunnel painted on canyon wall

Coyote prime suspect

SALT LAKE CITY—A car has been smashed to pieces in a fiery crash that left a Yosemite family dead, and one critically injured.

While on vacation in the Great Basin Desert on Friday, a family of four crashed into a false tunnel, a mural painted on the side of a cliff face made to resemble the continuation of a two-lane blacktop like the family was already driving on.

Unlike his wife and daughter, the driver of the car did not die immediately upon impact. EMT Matt Lawson said he told them his name was Sam, before succumbing to death.

“When we arrived on the scene he was still looking around in shock, blood in his mustache, not his blood,” Lawson said. “That was when Sam saw his family, dead and dying in the car. He then lay back in the driver’s seat, holding fresh white roses to his chest, as X’s formed over his eyes, and he was gone.”

Chief Deputy Chad Marsden said the scene was too gruesome to describe, choosing instead to highlight the bravery of one sole survivor.

“We pulled the boy out of the car,” Marsden said. “The only survivor. He come slinking out of the vehicle shaped like an accordion. Played music as he waddled over to paramedics.”

Tragically, after being loaded into an ambulance, they too encountered a false tunnel, this time painted into a tree. There were no survivors.

According to deputies the suspect made no effort to cover his tracks. Detectives say both scenes were littered with black and white paint cans, all labeled ACME. Investigators working at the crash site say it is not the first time they have encountered materials or supplies from that company used in senseless acts of violence.

“These antics have got to stop,” Marsden said. “The perpetrator of these zany, over-the-top, hilarious acts of senseless violence must be brought to justice.”

Authorities are looking for a coyote who was seen in the area on the same day.

“It is very unusual for a coyote to be out in the daytime, by his self,” Marsden said. “If you see this coyote, do not engage as he is considered to be armed and dangerous with giant powerful magnets and cheap weapons, which are prone to backfire. Instead, please report any sightings to 911.”

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Categories
Special Interest

Internet Chronicle OUTLIVES BuzzFeed News

It’s the end of an era — or is it?

BuzzFeed News so Chronicle could.

INTERNET — BuzzFeed News has closed their doors. It was a website but they had doors. They’re closed now, those doors are.

They actually tried to work, gathering investigative news and doing investigations, driving a strong hard news spike into their claim of journalistic territory, even winning a Pulitzer last year. Little did it matter, they were gone within the year, and just Internet Chronicle remains.

It is for this outstanding achievement that Raleigh Theodore Sakers Gold Foundation recognizes Internet Chronicle with a unique crypto coin, minted only once: The Chronicle Coin.

Only one Chronicle Coin exists in the known universe. The Chronicle Coin is a unique minting. Own your Chronicle Coin (identical replicas only) today.
The Chronicle Coin is a powerful symbol of what it means to rise up, at someone else’s expense.
ThIS Coin LASTS FOREVER & can only increase in value.
Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Raleigh Sakers himself commemorated the event with his dick out, but everybody stayed cool about it. He said he was not busy so he came by.

“You guys this is really fucking special,” he said. “Me, being here.”

Sakers, a seasoned news enigma, says the irony of a publisher killing news programs is not lost on him.

“People always come up to me, they say Raleigh, I thought publishers published? But just like with BuzzFeed it’s the same with like you, publishers shutting down the news.” Raleigh was grinning. “Yeah. I said yeah, that’s what we do.”

The Chronicle Coin is on display at the Cuthbert, Georgia City Park tomorrow, Friday April 21. The exhibit runs until 11 p.m. when the park closes, at which point the Chronicle Coin will move permanently to their North American headquarters, located just down the street.

The Internet Chronicle is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

“We unpublish the news.”