Categories
Technology

Finally some good news: “This PC can’t run Windows 11”

Redmond, Wa.—In a shocking turn of events, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates attempted to push the new Windows 11 update on loyal customers, only to have his plans backfire spectacularly. The update software, which was supposed to be a revolutionary step forward for the company, was instead met with widespread criticism for its condescending and insulting tone toward existing customers.

Bill Gates is pressuring engineers at Microsoft to come up with a Windows 11 update for his icky face.
Bill Gates is pressuring engineers at Microsoft to come up with a Windows 11 update for his icky face.

Despite Gates’ assurances that Windows 11 was a “game changer” and “the future of computing,” users were quick to point out that the update prompt was filled with arrogant and patronizing language. One user said, “I’ve been using Windows for over 20 years, and I’ve never felt so disrespected by a software update.”

Adding to the frustration, many users reported that the update itself was riddled with bugs and glitches, making it nearly impossible to use. One user said, “Another layer of polish on the same old turd. I tried to install the update, but it just kept crashing my computer. I ended up having to roll back to Windows 10.”

“Your computer is such a piece of shit we can’t even tell how much hard drive space it has.” —Microsoft

In a desperate attempt to salvage the situation, Gates issued a public apology, saying, “I realize now that we may have come across as arrogant and out of touch. We want to assure our customers that we value their feedback and will do everything in our power to make sure that future updates are more respectful and user-friendly.”

However, it seems that the damage has already been done, as many users have pledged to never update to Windows 11, no matter how good it may be.

One imageboard user took to 4chan, saying, “I don’t care if Windows 11 is the best thing since sliced bread – which it isn’t – each iteration sets you one more click back from making your PC do what you want – I’ll never trust Microsoft again after this condescending update. My PC can’t run Windows 11? Great, I guess that means you’ll be leaving me alone, then.”

The incident serves as a cautionary tale for tech companies everywhere, reminding them that even the most cutting-edge technology can be undone by a single arrogant and out-of-touch update prompt.

Categories
Local

MISSING PERSON: New subreddit Gupptracker aids in manhunt

INTERNET—A new subreddit dedicated to the disappearance of Gupp from Twitter is one of the fastest-growing pages on the website, with almost 250,000 members in two days.

  • Elon purchased Twitter
  • Twitter feels weird now
  • Gupp left, promising to return once Muskolini is finished “marking his territory”
  • Musk bans journalists, faces punishment from Berlin

Gupp is still missing.

In the wake of Elon Musk banning a Twitter account tracking the location of his jet, along with the journalists who followed the story, a Reddit page dedicated to finding beloved Twitter user Gupp became the fastest-growing subreddit on Saturday, according to the website Gupp Stats. The page, /r/Gupp, has amassed more than a quarter million members in less than 48 hours.

Gupp, who is neither a journalist nor well-known, is respected for his irreverent posts, goofing off, and inspirational world-dominating bro-ups. Until such time as Gupp’s body can be located, fans mourn the loss of one of Twitter’s hottest, young, upcoming stars.

Gupp has been missing for more than one month.

Sissy Nay-Nay, 54, has gone to church with Gupp for six years, and says she misses him dearly.

“We miss our boy,” she said. “Gupp didn’t hurt nobody. Gupp never got involved in no bad stuff. We just want him back.”

Gupptracker works by checking Gupp’s favorite locations online, including Discord, archive.org, and back to Twitter again, like a confused animal.

“We don’t actually know how it works,” said Anonymous. “We outsourced the programming to someone who works for TikTok, and he has us doing fun dances in exchange for information about our missing friend.”

Origins

Gupp was the most prolific renaissance man to ever pass through Twitter.

It is unclear where Gupp came from, but one day he just showed up, saying shit like “That’s gupped up.”

Now he is missing, and presumed dead. But there is still hope, according to reddit moderator PussyCunt711214764.

“Maybe Gupp doesn’t want to be found,” they wrote online. “Maybe the real Gupp is the friends we made along the way.”

Users responded, acting as a decentralized, singular entity.

“Upvoting this for visibility,” one user wrote.

Another chimed in: “9,000 internets to the person who happens upon Gupp’s shallow grave!”

“Sharpening my pitchfork” — Top comment, funny and original.

The one voice missing from this conversation? You guessed it: Gupp.

baby, pls cum home

Categories
Hate Technology

Chaos looming amid social media collapse: “Everyone is watching”

SAN FRANCISCO—Agents are now posing as the recently deceased Elon Musk, and are undermining free speech from within the platform. As behemoths like Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn begin to crumble, many are now terrified for the collapse of social media.

Some are left to farm up the ashes, hoovering hip rats into mastadon servers where compartments of human beings are made to live like animals. Slavery of the people, by the people.

what’s up with jokes? you say something funny and now i do what? go ha ha ha hee hee? the fuck are we doin here

—mastadon.social user MrSerious11211

But many, who staked their livelihoods on a longshot that did not make it, are asking: What is the true cost?incel politics

Will the great reset leave a me-shaped hole in my hateful little soul?

Not to worry. As Away Messages fade, there is a light in the dark mists of freedom.

Mark Zuckerberg plans to blackmail the United States into voting for him.
Everyone is watching.

Run away from that anxiety-inducing darkness, and fall into the tender, loving arms of Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Run quietly by billionaires whose names you would not recognize, this nameless entity is a glowing social media platform where you are permitted to float, as formlessly as you like, through a cloud of words, images, and associations, making your mark on the world. At Lebal Drocer, everyone is watching. We love you so much.

Away Messages, by Lebal Drocer Chat is more than a mastodon instance, where you go in and see what the people have been doing in there: jerking off in some dark dank instance.

Your number one source for all things fulfilling and true.

We would never pull you into that darkness where the ugly is lurking. It’s no place for you.

You’re special. Sign up for a friend group today.

Also, Lebal Drocer, Inc. will never look at your nudes out of sight, like they do at masturdon.

We’re doing it right out in the open. Where Everyone is watching.