Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

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Uncontrollable Patriotism

Bootstrap Party threatens to split Republican vote

The Bootstrap Party - 'Pull your damn self up!'
The Bootstrap Party - 'Pull your damn self up!'

The Bootstrap Party - 'Pull your damn self up!'
The Bootstrap Party – ‘Pull your damn self up!’
The party political experts are calling “farther right than the Tea Party” could split the Republican vote, ensuring a place in the oval office for Democratic Socialist candidate Hillary Clinton in 2016.

The all new Bootstrap Party, whose slogan reads Pull your damn self up! is sponsored by Hobby Lobby, Best Buy, Comcast and Google. Our new and wonderful masters promise to liberalize everything by the year 2020, at which point the United States will become a Libertine Utopia, fitted with corporate-furnished roads, schools, hospitals, housing and restaurants.

Party frontrunner Raleigh T. Sakers said his solution to government-funded infrastructure is to stop giving hand-outs to the hundreds of millions of people using the roads for free every day. Roads will no longer be funded, he said. Under the Sakers Doctrine, roads will be paved with golden virtues of freedom. Never forget.

“Let the road system take care of itself,” Sakers said. “No services. If people want to use the roads, let them deal directly with the power authorities themselves. It’s FASTER and it’s CHEAPER.”

Experts predict a run on bootstraps in pants-shitting anticipation of the rise of the American Bootstrap Party. Real patriots invest today!

Scandal erupted after Clinton herself was found donating to the party campaign.

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Categories
Entertainment

Lebal Drocer announces plan to publish My Little Pony fanfiction. The eBook, Serfdom in Equestria, challenges the liberal agenda behind MLP.

Pinkie Pie

Pinkie PieCUTHBERT, Georgia – Lebal Drocer, Inc. spokesman Raleigh T. Sakers, who once said he has grown weary of “Obama’s Left,” plans to tackle the liberal agenda he says is hidden in children’s programming.

“It’s an ideology that is undermining not only the United States, but is dragging down the entire My Little Pony universe as well,” Sakers said. “There’s a belief in Equestria that friendship trumps everything. They are in for a rude awakening.”

The book’s author is known only as Seqina on Twitter, or Seqi, for short. Seqi is a self-described conservative American brony, and a brony is a person who self-identifies as an imaginary horse living among the main characters from the children’s hit TV show My Little Pony.

While there is still no news on what the book is actually about, Seqi said he hopes to enmesh the libertarian philosophy of Ayn Rand with Pinkie Pie’s messages of tolerance. Pinkie Pie – being a sexually charged reference to female genitalia – is one of the main ponies representing personal freedom in the series, and benefits from small de-centralized government.

More information can be found on Seqi’s OKCupid account below.

seqina

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Categories
Religion

Vatican taking an ‘unhealthy interest’ in Anonymous ‘Operation Death Eaters’: Barrett Brown

catholics-team-up-with-anonymous-op-death-eater

catholics-team-up-with-anonymous-op-death-eaterVATICAN CITY – As Pope Francis (D-Italy) attempts to open new bureaucratic instruments to tackle rape and neoliberalism in the Vatican, Anonymous Spokesman Barrett Brown said the Catholic church is taking an “unhealthy interest in the sensitive search for internet pederasts” and that their unwanted attention could jeopardize the witch-hunt.

Brown, who currently operates from his mobile diesel prison cell across the barren Texas wasteland, likened the church’s assistance to “working with the enemy.” He said it reminds him of the crippling effects the US funded Al Qaeda had on the war on terror, before becaming ISIS.

“We are working around the clock to catch Catholic priests fucking little boys,” Brown said, “so when r0sary comes online, the investigation is effectively dead in the holy water.”

Many Catholic priests have entered underground /i/nvasion IRC channels and chan forums, offering to participate in the hunt for online predators and the illegal pornography they produce. Among them, r0sary is a well-known Catholic hacker whose expertise in child-fucking could unfortunately be very helpful to the group.

“I would never fuck a little boy,” Brown said. “But if I was the kind of person who did that sort of thing – and I’m not saying that I am – but if I was, I can imagine that fucking their raw, pink little anuses would give me some insight into how a pedophile operated, and make Anonymous better.”

So for now, Anonymous begrudgingly, but bravely, works alongside the rape warriors in the Catholic church. But for how long this unlikely alliance may last, ain’t no man can say. Attempts to dox r0sary have ended in pitiful failure, as users have noted he logs into efnet with a username and password, behind a service known as a ‘cloak.’ Brown said it is only a matter of time before they catch up to, and surpass, their partners in the internet’s first rapist-rapist-hunter alliance.

“Until then, we’ll just have to keep watching child pornography, learning from their habits,” r0sary said on IRC. “I am enhancing some close-up footage right now, with the hope of finding the offender’s reflection in his victim’s pleading, perfect eyes.”