As Vice President Joe Biden watches his political career slip the way of former VP Dick Cheney, he said he is prepared to do “anything” to shock the public into voting for him.
“It’s always Barry, Barry, Barry,” a lizard-like Biden told the packed West Wing of the White House on Monday. “I exist, too, damn it. I may not have the authority to launch a drone strike against innocent targets, but I’m just about ready to shoot a man in the face.”
The distressed Biden referred to Cheney’s 2007 hunting accident, in which the former vice president shot a man in the face, sending a powerful warning to Iran.
Biden said the trouble in which his frisky hands have landed him is tarnishing his golden aura, the winds of his otherwise predetermined 2016 presidency.
“So I touched them girls,” Biden said. “It’s not like I raped them, on camera, and distributed the video through the military TOR program. Stay tuned for that.”
Biden said since the death of Margaret Thatcher, he is having trouble finding a distributor for his illegal pornographic materials, and is currently exploring the self publishing world of TOR.