Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

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Categories
Entertainment

Fish Plays Pokemon

In an effort to catch them all, Grayson the betta male has logged 150 hours on Pokémon.
In an effort to catch them all, Grayson the betta male has logged 150 hours on Pokémon.

In an unprecedented union of nature and technology, a Siamese fighting fish – or “betta” – has unknowingly dived into the world of handheld RPGs and devoted its life to the Red/Blue Game Boy version of Pokémon.

Grayson, a male betta, is doing better than expected.

OP was a pretty cool guy, and had this to say:

“Grayson has been playing for around 125 hours. Last time I checked, Grayson had acquired his first Pokemon, a charmander named AAAABBK and defeated his first opponent, the rival’s squirtle! (Grayson has been playing since the very start and selected his own name from one of the preset ones!)” – TheBloxer

In what game developers are calling “the ultimate betta test,” the onscreen controls are determined by Grayson’s position in his fishbowl. When he slept in his hammock Wednesday night, for example, he was lodged in the “up” directional button. The controls look solid, but are kinda finicky as indicated by a yellow dot that is supposed to track his exact position.

A controversial change was made to the control scheme Thursday, when the fish’s “owner” randomized the button mapping software, potentially interfering with the experiment by stripping even more control from the fish and placing Ash’s fate in the hands of a random number generator.

Perhaps the strangest element of watching a fish play Pokémon for 24 hours a day is the chat bar to the right of Grayson’s play area on twitch.tv: Viewers egg Grayson on during his sleep, with slogans like “Consult the hammock!” and ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ FISHY WAKE UP! ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ … and during his “gaming hours” a subculture of hero worship is burgeoning. ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ ALL HAIL THE MAGIKARP!

The feed is silent, of course, because yesterday twitch.tv shit the bed in fear of copyright lawyer-ghosts and muted any stream featuring music in any form (like Saudi Arabia!) – even their own.

Watch Grayson play Pokémon

Watch live video from FishPlaysPokemon on www.twitch.tv

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Categories
Local

Holy Toledo: Ohio Town Poisoned by New World Order Thugs

toledo-waterTOLEDO – Toledo is in a state of emergency today after EPA chemists found a deadly toxin in the water that automatically kills anything it touches. After hours of research, no one yet understands the wretched algal bloom that appeared over Lake Eerie and started coming out of Toledoan’s water faucets Saturday.

The price of water in the midwestern town shot up to $10 per gallon, and the town has been described as a post-apocalyptic nightmare scenario akin to “Raccoon City” of the popular zombie survival videogame Resident Evil.

Experts have suggested the toxic algae bloomed “far beyond” what occurs in nature.

Jim Glube, researcher for the federal EPA, said the water supply was intentionally poisoned.

“I’ve seen this before,” Glube said. “You don’t get algae bloom like this out in the wild without artificial intervention. Someone had to go out on the lake and spread this stuff around.”

Glube said the poisoning could be the work of bioterrorists or some kind of “new world order.”

“The move was so calculated, I’m willing to say this was not just one guy,” Glube told Chronicle investigators. “Based on Eerie’s size, and the magnitude of the spread, my guess is this was a calculated effort to bring about some kind of new world order.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is an editor of the peer-reviewed journal Nature. Troubadour said if the town was poisoned, then “Nestle would know something about it,” because they have private access to the lake, but no one from the company would respond.

“Remember the baby formula thing,” Troubadour said. “Nestle is not very cautious. They don’t care, and they are connected to very, very horrible people who believe access to water is not a basic human right.”

As scientists grapple with how to solve the humanitarian crisis in Toledo, politicians are assuring residents up front that they are working on an alternative water solution. And in the back, they’re asking their corporate donors to donate next year to the PAC instead.

The Toledo Health Department says it is critical residents know the following:

  1. It is safe for healthy adults to bathe, but do not let the water stay on your skin longer than a few minutes.
  2. Do not drink tap water until the ‘all clear’ has been given. This also includes pets.
  3. Do not use tap water to cook.
  4. Do not boil tap water, as this increases the concentration of toxins.
  5. It is OK to use your toilet, as long as no water splashes up into your butt hole.
  6. If you’re on well water, have your well water tested daily. If the poisoning was intentional, there is no way to tell who is being targeted or how far the killers will go

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Categories
Health News Uncontrollable Patriotism

Is Fear Healthy? You Won’t Believe How This One Drug Is Changing The World

TERRORISTS HATE HIM! AMERICANS STAY CONSTANTLY AFRAID USING THIS SIMPLE TRICK

There’s a new drug that will literally tear your life apart under a wave of euphoria. TerrorMax, by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, will put your eyes on the sky, and a fire in your belly; a hunger for liberty.

Our loyal and intelligent readers do not trust the government. You know there is such a thing as Absolute Truth, and Facts are Facts. TerrorMax keeps your spine pointed straight up, aligned to the North Star, a point of light astronomers have studied for centuries. The North Star is a trusted point of reference for everyone from Jesus to Napoleon. Patriots may trust Jesus. You trust no one.

terrormax
This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals. TerrorMax: Don’t Blink Twice. (It’s Alright)

Like LSD, TerrorMax permanently changes your DNA, heightening your lineage’s sensitivity to fear, promoting survival and enhancing the human experience of terror.

TerrorMax gives you the energy to stay awake through the night. It enhances night vision, allowing you to scan the horizon for threats of terror. TerrorMax builds awareness of your surroundings. Is that a laser gun-sight or a cell tower? On TerrorMax, you can focus on a point of light up to 14 miles away, with perfect clarity.

Every bottle of TerrorMax comes with a TerrorMax Steam key, enabling you to download the TerrorMax Terror Alert Center client for Mac and PC. The Terror Alert Center™ lets you rant hatefully into your webcam microphone about unseen enemies of the state who are jealous of your freedom. Be a Patriot. Spy on your neighbors. Report unAmerican activities to the White House straight from your PC!

Even medical experts don’t know how TerrorMax works.

“It just … works.”

-Dr. Angstrom H. Terrordour, M.D.

TerrorMax gives world leaders the courage to deploy troops and assassinate “innocent” (non-American) dissidents abroad.

“I’m Terry McAuliffe, and I prefer TerrorMax to AnataBloc. It helps me think and raises my awareness. We should look into [TerrorMax].” -Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D), Governor of Va.

TerrorMax is not a dietary supplement, and is not regulated by the FDA. TerrorMax has been associated with tremors, seizures, and sleeplessness. If you experience a terror lasting four years or more, do not stop taking TerrorMax. Stopping TerrorMax cold turkey is shown to lead to seizure or death. Instead, vote for a Democrat. If you already voted Democrat – and continue to experience incessant terror – wait four years, and vote Republican. Once you take TerrorMax, you can not stop. In rare cases, some TerrorMax users report difficulty urinating, and permanent disruption of their sleep cycle. If you are unable to urinate while using TerrorMax, consult your Catastrophic Healthcare Options to learn which Death Panel is right for you.

TerrOrganics – Life’s getting worse.™