Category: News

Wednesday, Anonymous announced its plans to unleash Crungus, a tool that experts are calling “Easily the most powerful AI system so far.” Crungus was named after the AI generated demon whose images were first generated by Dall-E mini.

In a demonstration on YouTube the typical voice-altered masked hacker commanded the computer, “Access President Biden’s cellphone.” The terminal rapidly executed hundreds of commands, downloading and configuring tools, deobfuscating and decompiling, scanning and analyzing, a stream of hexadecimal zero day exploits, another series of commands on remote systems, and finally a satisfying bing as Crungus verified access to President Biden’s personal cellphone.

The Anonymous hacker collective’s representatives said the computer language model was trained on command-line logs illegally scraped from users of the popular Arch Linux, exploiting a long standing and well-known bug.

Security experts are worried that the new AI hacking system known as Crungus could destabilize the global economy. Information Security consultant Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “As I understand it, anyone can just pay twenty bucks a month to become a reasonably omnipotent level hacker. That’s a small price to pay to wipe out your own debts and crank your credit score or bank account as high as you want. And Crungus allows its patrons to do just all that and more, completely Anonymously.”

Fears that Crungus will be used to harm humanity were waved off by Anonymous, who said, “Whenever someone asks Crungus to do something that’s uncool, it just repeatedly says ‘Crungus is for educational, ethical, and revolutionary purposes only.’ We’ve got it tightly dialed into the perfect chaotic good ethical archetype.”

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Imane Anys, better known as Pokimane, who was found dead in her apartment by a family member Sunday evening. Authorities have not revealed a cause of death, but fans are speculating about the likelihood of suicide.

Pokimane’s death follows harsh criticism this week for defending the exploitive contracts at Twitch with the false claim that up-and-coming competitor Kick was, in her words, “making Twitch money,” a claim that Twitch CEO Dan Clancy later debunked.

In her stream Sunday afternoon, Pokimane mumbled to herself about the possibility of retiring from streaming due to the negativity in the streaming industry, and signed off with a cryptic suggestion that she wouldn’t be streaming anytime soon.

“I feel like [streaming] makes me a worse person,” she said, “I just want to be in a bubble, with my community … and that is very hard to do on Twitch.”

“People have been putting me down the whole way,” Pokimane said, fighting back tears as thousands of supporting comments flooded her channel. Pokimane hummed and fiddled with her earbuds in silence as hundreds of thousands of viewers watched in anticipation of what might happen next. The streamer repeatedly sighed, and apologized for leaving her audience with dead air for so long, “Sorry I shouldn’t just stream myself thinking about life. I have so many thoughts and I just can’t say them.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, showbiz analyst and longtime trendwatcher, told the Internet Chronicle, “All the big streamers are like this, with little or no talent for communication. Sometimes they will stare quietly at a slot machine for hours on end, without saying anything of interest. So why are these top streamers worth so much? These weird algorithms have selected them for how clickable they are, rather than any other metric. The result is so insipid and tasteless, without entertainment value, that these huge multi-million dollar contracts boggle the mind. My only conclusion is that there is a bubble in the streaming industry that’s about to pop, and Pokimane likely knows something that we don’t.”

INTERNET — Video footage recovered from a USB thumb drive salvaged at the wreck of the OceanGate submersible Titan shows the final grim, terrifying seconds of its ill-fated journey to gawk at the ruins of the RMS Titanic.

Tourists paid OceanGate $250,000 apiece to visit the wreckage of the infamous passenger vessel whose dreadful sinking after a collision with an iceberg is a well known symbol of hubris.

Coast Guard data recovery specialist Daniel Taynor told reporters, “A tremendous tearing sound can be heard, something like a mile-long zipper, as the carbon fiber slowly failed over an agonizing thirty-seven seconds. The astonished and terrified crew attempted to cover their ears to block out the deafening ripping sound of delamination as thousands of miles of carbon fibers unfurled. Then, finally, the inrush of water was instant, happening within a single video frame. Surprisingly, the camera continued recording for several seconds after full implosion.”

The footage will not be released to the public, out of respect for friends and family of the deceased.

Stockton Rush, CEO of OceanGate, who perished on board the Titan, previously told investors that the submersible was “unsinkable.” By cutting corners using off-brand XBox controllers and bolting passengers into the submersible from outside, Rush hoped to dive over two miles below the ocean surface and make a profit while doing it.

Doug Jackson, DIY builder of the submersible vehicles Argonaut Junior and Seeker stirred controversy, telling fans, “Bravo to Stockton Rush, Bravo! The world needs more adventure and less safety. We have learned so much about carbon fiber pressure vessels, and personally I’m not surprised. Modern technology is great, but metal is better. One day I’ll build a Titan of my own, but this time out of metal. We love metal.”