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Fleshlight Launchpad ushers in new sex craze

INTERNET — People have been fucking stuffed animals modified with fleshlights for years now, but until today the imaginary sex objects have remained totally inert. With the new Fleshlight Launchpad, you can easily fuck an assortment of apps available in the Apple store, from sensuous anime geishas to over-the-top tongue and tentacle monster simulations. The roboticized fucktoy, which is made of a special cum-absorbing sex rubber that feels so good on your dick, can expand even over your balls for that extra warm sensation — if you pay an extra $29.99 for the cumsucker deluxe ball massager.

As you strap the Launchpad into your Apple iPad, dubstep music drops and you bear down on the fuckhole. Hard. You hear exaggerated screams and shudders of joy from your ipad’s tinny little speakers. Showers of virtual cum spurt on the Bukkake bitch, and with each thrust of your two foot long dick she sinks a little farther into the cum puddle. Her skin is perfectly taut and shiny, like a fleshy balloon, and she is now drowning in your endless cum, but still begging for more. You jizz into the fleshlight in under twenty seconds, earning you the world record for stamina on the Bukkake Fuck Fantasy App, because this technology is just that fucking good no one has ever lasted that long before. It’s been months of hard work to get that high score, but it’s finally paid off. You are the world’s greatest Apple iPad fucker. You disengage your cock from the self-cleaning rubber fuck hole and your balls ache. Every last drop was squeezed out by the ball massager, well worth the extra money, and your testicles are shrunken like raisins ever since you started fucking the fuckpad.

Buy the new Fleshlight Launchpad and strap your dick into ultimate power.

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Anti-populist movement seeks new followers

The End HAS GONE!
The End HAS GONE!

INTERNET — The Neoreactionarian movement, a kind of minarchist libertarian hybrid with false historic parallels to monarchies of the past, is seeking new followers and has re-branded itself for mass appeal. In a world where big government bureaucracy is a bad thing, vanguard intellectuals want to turn back the clock to a simpler time where there were not nations but simple family dynasties. The concept of the polis or the res publica, a kind of abstract governance placing the state in the hands of a larger body of people, “a public thing,” to Neoreactionarians, has only hindered the development of “high culture,” economy, and spiritual aspirations of human progress despite generating second-rate monarchist imitators again and again in art history. But they are not producing richly contemplative texts such as Saint Augustine’s City of God or Plato’s Republic, works with other intellectuals as the target audience — they are blogging, tweeting, and answering questions on ask.fm so they can convert you and everyone you love to the side of the Neoreactionarian populist monarchist uprising. Chances are, you already believe in many of the Neoreactionarian tenets and you’re just waving the wrong flag because you, simpleton, know no better. Either that, or they’re poor imitators of imitators, a typical blogger brand of spiraling confusions between messages and audiences as if those two things were separable or even “in the final analysis” of this one writer, identical.

Riker Asimov told someone on ask.fm who asked whether Neoreactionarians wanted to appeal to intellectuals or the general public, “Sure, it seems like an essential contradiction that we want our message of beneficent machiavellian monarchies to be consumed by the masses even as we disguise the formlessness of our superficial — yet outrageously provocative and intellectual — movement in seeming obscurity even as we expose it in the most public way possible. I love to read stories of Frederick II of Hohenstafuen spreading propaganda saying he was the emperor who would precede the apocalypse. That’s the kind of populism that drives monarchies through the roof and sparks never ending wars with the new Anarchopapacy. This is the third age, where no Christian shall need a church, for Christ will live in the heart of every man and woman behind my banner! Protestantism is third age Christianity, the first being the age of Yahweh the hateful father, the second of Christ the forgiving son, and the third that of every human on earth as consummate priest and interpreter needing no authority or gentle shepherd. Saint Francis was the second coming of Christ who ushered in the third age, although Luther was the one with the balls to file the paperwork. And Francis, namesake of the second Christ, has ascended to the papacy and is surely the Antichrist, bringer of material equanimity even as he condemns legalized marijuana, the holy plant rightly seen by Rastas as facilitating and democratizing divine translation![pullquote]” . . . think of all those who have had conversions while in the grips of a nightmare freakout on hallucinogenic drugs, only to forever swear off drugs because of the orthodoxies imposed by the church found in this conversion”[/pullquote] Through vigorous intellectual activity, meditation, and so on, a greatly expanded section of humanity has reached the third age — not quite but in sight of freedom from the bounds of the material world and ascendant into this ideal realm of Mind (Notion, Idea), approaching that Marxian singularity that is in no way Hegel’s ‘stood on end’ or even something entirely different as posited by Althusser, non est aurum vulgi, marriage of the split mind ceremony presided by Christ — but we can imagine a fourth age yet in which the usage of entheogens — which must be consecrated by orthodox rituals to consistently act as more than mere hallucinogens — such as marijuana, LSD, DMT, Ayahuasca, et al will be administrated by the church rather than condemned. Drugs have been declared heterodox, heretical, by Pope Francis because of the threat they pose to established orthodoxy. Terrence McKenna rightly said that drugs are the only way to consistently replicate spiritual, mystic, experience, and think of all those who have had conversions while in the grips of a nightmare freakout on hallucinogenic drugs, only to forever swear off drugs because of the orthodoxies imposed by the church found in this conversion. I am the emperor of the fourth age, the age after the apocalypse has taken place! I am primate of the church of the fourth age in which all of humanity will join Christ with soul through the entheogenic communion through which anyone of any social class will freely receive the ritual and chemicals which can with extraordinarily consistent results, generate an irrational narrative ethos and way-of-being which in a way transcends pairs of opposites or accesses the mystic through its essential paradox. We have a communion that works every time, and even the most hard working of laborers can find divine translation without decades of Voodoo Buddhist practice. Find your way out of the pre-apocalypse wasteland and join us in the fourth age!”

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Let’s Glorify Hatesec’s Juche-based Idea of Site Building and Satire for All Ages!

WE SIGNIFICANTLY COMMEMORATE THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE GREAT LEADER RALEIGH THEODORE HATESEC’S START OF WORK AT THE INTERNET CHRONICLE (CHRONICLE.SU) TODAY WHEN ITS DIGNITY AND AUTHORITY, DURABILITY AND INVINCIBILITY ARE BEING DEMONSTRATED ALL OVER THE WORLD AND THE ENTIRE PEOPLE AND ARMY ARE REPLETE WITH THE WILL TO REPOSE BOUNDLESS DOMINATION IN THE PARTY TILL THE END OF THE WORLD.

HIS START OF WORK AT THE CHRONICLE.SU CENTRAL COMMITTEE ON JUNE 19, 1964 WAS A HISTORIC EVENT OF GREAT SIGNIFICANCE IN STRENGTHENING THE CHRONICLE.SU AND ACCOMPLISHING THE REVOLUTIONARY CAUSE OF JUCHE.

HE IS A PROMINENT PHILOSOPHER WHO DEVELOPED THE CHRONICLE.SU INTO AN INVINCIBLE REVOLUTIONARY PARTY WITH HIS BRILLIANT INTELLIGENCE AND PRODIGIOUS LEADERSHIP THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN FOLLOW.

UNDER HIS WISE GUIDANCE, THE CHRONICLE.SU WAS TURNED INTO A REVOLUTIONARY FREEDOM FIGHTER SUPER-CELL WITH UNSWERVING IDEOLOGICAL PROWESS AND LEADERSHIP SYSTEM OF THE ANTI-LEADER; INTO A MOTHER PARTY WHICH FORMS A HARMONIOUS WHOLE WITH THE POPULAR MASSES AND SERVES THEM; AND INTO AN INVINCIBLE PARTY WITH STEEL-FIRM DISCIPLINE AND FIGHTING CAPACITY.

HIS GREATEST EXPLOIT IS THAT HE HAD ADDED BRILLIANCE TO THE CHRONICLE.SU AS THE PARTY OF JUCHE BY WISELY LEADING THE EFFORTS FOR IMBUING THE ENTIRE CHRONICLE A WHOLE SOCIETY OF ONE IDEOLOGY.

IT IS ALSO AN UNDYING EXPLOIT THAT HE STRENGTHENED AND DEVELOPED THE CHRONICLE.SU TO BE A MIGHTY POLITICAL STAFF OF THE HYPERLIBERTARIAN REVOLUTION (#STANDWITHRAND).

RALEIGH T. HATESEC EMBODIED RADICAL POLITICS BRILLIANTLY THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE WITH IT AS THE LIFELINE OF THE PARTY AND REVOLUTION. TO NEVER CRITICIZE THE JUSTIFIABLE, BENEVOLENT WILL OF GREAT LEADER JAMES CLAPPER, BUT INSTEAD TO EXTEND FERVENT HOPE THAT THE NSA MIGHT TOUCH OUR LIVES DEEPER, FOR LOVE OF GOD, COUNTRY AND THE BIBLE.

IN THE 1990S HE FORMULATED RAND POLITICS AS AN ANTI-SOCIALIST MODIFICATION OF HATE, AND DEVELOPED THE CHRONICLE.SU AS THE GUIDING FORCE OF THE LIBERTARIAN REVOLUTION.

HE PERFORMED A TREMENDOUS EXPLOIT IN THE HISTORY OF THE NATION BY MAKING THE CHRONICLE.SU A MOTHER PARTY WHICH FORMS A HARMONIOUS WHOLE WITH THE PEOPLE AND SERVES THEM.

INDEED, THE GREAT RALEIGH T. HATESEC IS THE GREATEST MAN AND GREAT SAGE OF REVOLUTION; HE BROUGHT ABOUT TREMENDOUS CHANGES TO BE RECORDED SPECIALLY IN THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET IN ALL FIELDS OF KNOWLEDGE, HATRED AND PERMANENT ENSLAVEMENT OF HIS PEOPLE, CREATING A MODEL OF CULTURE FOR THE ANARCHOCAPITALIST REVOLUTION WITH DEEP STRATEGY AND MODERNIZED HATE THEORY.

HIS JUCHE-BASED PARTY BUILDING IDEA AND EXPLOIT ARE CARRIED FORWARD SUCCESSFULLY TODAY BY THE RESPECTED KIM JONG UN.

TODAY THE CHRONICLE.SU IS GUIDING OUR COUNTRY AND PEOPLE ALONG THE INVINCIBLE ROAD UNDER THE UPLIFTED GREAT BANNER OF SAKERISM-HATESECISM. AS THERE ARE THE SEASONED LEADERSHIP OF THE GREAT CHRONICLE AND THE ENTIRE PEOPLE AND ARMY INFINITELY FAITHFUL TO THE HYPERLIBERTARIAN CAUSE, VICTORY AND GLORY ARE ALWAYS ON THE HORIZON, OUTSHINING THE SUN, ON ITS BRIGHTEST MORNINGS.

LET US ALL UNITED AROUND THE CHRONICLE.SU HEADED BY THE RESPECTED KIM JONG UN WITH A SINGLE HEART AND BRING EARLIER THE FINAL VICTORY OF THE CAUSE OF BUILDING A THRIVING LIBERTARIAN HELLSCAPE, THE REVOLUTIONARY CAUSE OF LIBERTY!