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Snowden documents expose Bitcoin NSA plot

Explosive new documents, originally obtained by NSA leaker Edward Snowden and seen by The Internet Chronicle, reveal how the NSA conspired to create the popular Bitcoin “cyrptocurrency”. NSA’s immediate aim was to track cyber terrorists and other criminals, but also to undermine the very concept of a decentralized, anonymous electronic currency, and by extension, the ideals of technolibertarianism and cyberanarchism.

Powerpoint slides provided to The Internet Chronicle detail the NSA’s concerns about the promise of so-called cryptocurrency. NSA mathematicians devised the initial proposal for Bitcoin in concert with Satoshi Nakamoto, a defence and intelligence contractor who would act as the new currency’s public front-man. The slides go so far as to speculate that even if Nakamoto’s intel ties were exposed, a gullible public would presume he had simply “gone rogue” due to sincerely held political beliefs.

In a bizarre twist, The Chronicle’s source (who has asked to remain anonymous) claims that journalists at First Look Media, the current owner of the Snowden leak stockpile, are under instruction not to report on the Bitcoin plot. The source refused to elaborate.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, the Chronicle’s resident Intelligence & Cyberculture expert, believes First Look’s silence is under direct instruction from its owner, Pierre Omidyar, himself. “Omidyar, ironically, is a natural ally of NSA in the Bitcoin conspiracy, due to his financial interest in PayPal. He would no doubt love to see cryptocurrency wither on the cyber-vine, so to speak. Ebay is also an important partner to federal agencies, both law enforcement and intelligence. It’s easy to see why he would be so keen to invest a quarter of a billion dollars to gain control of the Snowden material, and the few bloggers naively doing their best to report on it.”

Omidyar Network and First Look Media were not available for comment.

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George Bush To Retake US Presidency

Future President George Bush a-huntin' them Reds
Future President George Bush a-huntin’ them Reds

A great leader once asked, “How’s that hopey, changey stuff workin’ out for ya?”

America found her answer. Former President George W. Bush announced a plan Monday to “take America back,” starting with a campaign to reignite nationalism in the American people.

“We’re gonna, you know, we’re gonna take America back,” Bush said, with a gleam in his eye, “We’ll return this great nation to its former glory.”

Bush said America needs a new image of strength and prosperity – a picture of change it can believe in. Village elders close to the president have said Bush began his “spirit campaign” two years ago, starting with impressionist paintings.

George Bush's shower painting
This artwork demonstrated that Bush is still a human being.

“I’ve talked with village elders. I’ve spoken to the proletariat. America’s sat by too long watching a womanly president fuck things up beyond recognition,” Bush said. “I think it’s time we took this country in the right direction. Don’t believe me? Look at this way: Are we better off now than we were in 2008?”

New photos surfaced of a strong, bear-like President Bush dressed for hunting, knowing it will inspire Americans to take up arms against the Red menace in the Ukraine.

A protest scheduled May 16 will give Americans their chance to register grievances in Washington, D.C. and call for the overthrow of the Obama regime. Demonstrators said they will call for the reinstatement of a further-right Bush doctrine “that would make the Tea Party look like a six-year-old’s imaginary affair.”

President Bush is expected to take office before the 2016 presidential election if necessary, but insiders caution that he could better secure “legitimacy” by waiting for a “vote” next year.

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SNOWDEN FLEES RUSSIA, RELEASES PUTIN'S EUROPEAN INVASION PLANS

Snowden and Pussy Riot fled Russia before dumping power point plans for European invasion
Snowden and Pussy Riot fled Russia before dumping power point plans for European invasion

INTERNET — Edward Snowden, famed NSA leaker, fled Russia Monday before dumping a database of power point presentations outlining Russia’s plans to invade Eastern Europe and rebuild the USSR under the new “Eurasian Union.”

Speaking from a hotel room in Tehran, Snowden denounced Putin’s imperial ambitions, saying, “I can no longer stay in Russia with knowledge of the impending invasion of Eastern Europe. If I had spoken my mind on this matter without a safe harbor in Iran, I’d have surely been disappeared or poisoned with polonium like other Russian dissidents.”

Snowden was joined in Tehran by members of Pussy Riot, and Nadya Tolokno also spoke to reporters, saying, “Here in Tehran we can openly wear our masks in public without fear of persecution. We can speak against Putin and the Orthodox church freely and without fear of punishment, so we have joined Snowden in exile.”

Critics of Pussy Riot and Snowden contest that sheltering under Tehran’s oppressive theocracy does their cause little good, while most supporters disagree. Pussy Riot and Snowden fan Jeremy Brown told reporters, “It’s all about keeping the fight going. I wouldn’t care if they were sheltered by Satan himself, as long as they didn’t wind up in some gulag that silenced them. So what if some Iranians practice genital mutilations or brutally silence their dissidents? Do you expect Nadya or Snowden to martyr themselves? That’s so last century.”