Category: News

INTERNET — Glenn Greenwild, investigative dispatcher working under the banner of powerful billionaire Pierre Omidyar’s Snowden News Network (SNN), attacked Reddit moderators Friday for intense and directed shilling in concert with British GCHQ JTRIG psychological operations.

According to Greenwild, Reddit’s r/news forum’s repeated and determined removal of his dispatch is a sure sign of ubiquitous JTRIG infiltrators. Moderators at r/news explained that they have a policy against opinion pieces which merely reflects their category and not their bias, although they have made exceptions for Greenwild’s dispatches in the past due to the importance of Snowden related news, which is often exclusively released in the form of Greenwild’s opinion.

Millions of internet bullies, drunk on Greenwild’s rhetoric, descended on the moderators of r/news with predatory personal attacks. Stunned and terrified, one moderator who wished to remain Anonymous said, “I didn’t know the distinction between opinion and journalism could cause such controversy. We do have subreddits where Greenwild’s opinion is welcome, but I didn’t think it fit in our category until my life and ethical integrity felt threatened. Exposing these psychological operations on the part of the British government is far more important than our stickler policy against opinion pieces. There’s opinion in everything, as Greenwild says, so therefore everything is merely opinion. There is no such thing as journalism. I’d like everyone to know I’ve never worked for JTRIG and I support Snowden with all my heart. Please, I’m on your side. I never asked for this abuse.”

Enemies of freedom, however, have stepped forward to accuse Pierre Omidyar of contributing hundreds of thousands of dollars to Ukrainian dissent groups, buttressing the West’s most important front in the “new cold war.” Some say that this policy conflicts with the aims of the Snowden News Network and Greenwild’s rhetoric, but of course we all know this stinks of yet more JTRIG psychological operations.

INTERNET — Justin Bieber was hospitalized Thursday after taking what his friends described as an “astounding dose of wax,” the ultimate purified form of marijuana. Bieber was declared brain dead on arrival and Dr. Troubador of Los Santos Hospital told reporters, “There is almost no chance Bieber will come out of the coma, but we’re still hopeful. We are asking fans not to assemble outside of the hospital as this may impede emergency vehicles.”

Photos of Bieber’s out of control marijuana habits were published earlier this year on famed celebrity news site TMZ. Police seized Bieber’s Escalade Wednesday, finding a massive stash of the potent wax.

Dr. Troubador told the press, “For a long time people have considered cannabis a ‘gateway drug’, dangerous only for its ability to make young people crave a harder buzz, like that of heroin or crack. But we’re going to have to reassess this point of view now that wax manufacturers are stepping up production of this very dangerous and even potentially fatal drug. Every day we have hundreds of wax addicts wheeled into the emergency room, totally brain dead. Marijuana is not a gateway drug anymore. Wax is the most dangerous drug on the streets. Bieber is just another young life stolen by the insidious weed byproduct.”

INTERNET — A controversial new study which incorporated all the data of the internet over the course of the last decade, graciously provided by the NSA, has led Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador to make a startling conclusion. According to Troubador, no new culture has been created in two years, and any art which appears ‘new’ was created before what he calls the “cultural peak” two years ago.

Dr. Troubador told reporters, “Starting with just the corpus of text out there, we quickly found that two years ago there was a ‘tipping point’ where every possible song, poem, or novel had already been written. Then we looked at music, and saw that all the melodies had been mapped out at that same time. We looked at videos and images and found the same thing again. Even all the possible intergenre mashups and recombinations were exhausted. We even found our own study, written word for word by spam bots.”

However, Dr. Cecilia Darwin criticized Dr. Troubador’s methods, saying, “This collection of data only confirms what we already suspected, and the premise of Angstrom’s analysis is faulty. Sure, there is a multitude of information so vast that every imaginable combination of symbols has already been set down somewhere on the internet, by spam bots as much as by humans, but to presume that this has somehow exhausted ‘novelty’ is only true in the narrowest sense. The symbols have to be interpreted or inscribed with meaning, and this is an ongoing and never ending genesis.”