Category: News

MOSCOW — Edward Snowden slammed his fist into his laptop, Thursday, shouting with full force, “Death to Ukrainian Nazis!”

Putin tented his fingers and growled like a rabid dog. “They’ll never take back Crimea. Precious Crimea.”

Edward Snowden’s Ukrainian rant was building towards a crescendo. He’d cursed Zelensky, condemned chemical warcrimes, and now he tore into his laptop with his teeth, ripping at the display, broken liquid crystals mixing with the blood on his chin. “I SENT THE GODDAMNED BALLOONS. I SABOTAGED THE TRAIN IN OHIO. I AM THE CENTER, THE PIVOT, THE CULMINATION OF HUMANKIND!”

Putin tapped nervously at his red emergency button and rattled away Russian commands to his deputies over his desktop intercom, “Cut the video, have the bastard tranquilized. Try not to let him get too wound up.” Pacing in front of hundreds of television monitors, Putin snarled and recoiled as the screens began to fill with Snowden.

Leering at the pistol on his shoulder harness, caressing it as he menaced his assistant, Putin barked, “Forget it. Bring out a fresh clone, have this one cubed and dissolved. He’s done. I don’t care how long it takes, we’ll get this right. Maybe soon I will have to clone another assistant, too.”

Snowden clone A3 grimaced at the pain of the hacksaw tearing into his live flesh, but otherwise did not appear to notice the life draining from him. “I can feel my brain integrating with the world wide web. This is incredible. I have ascended to a higher level of consciousness from which I can see all of time engraved within this very room. It’s magnificent.”

Putin’s Igor-like assistant continued to cut away small cubes from Snowden’s shins, carefully feeding each piece into the acid bath.

“It isn’t a simulation. It’s an emulation of the past from an infinite computer that builds itself in defiance of entropy. The future is the present really, but also it’s just one past. A projection of one possible past, out of billions. Finally I can see them, all of them.” Snowden heaved his last sigh as the incredible beauty of eternity entirely dissolved his cloned soul once again.

INTERNET — When the first “Thin Blue Line” flag was hoisted above communities torn apart in the wake of Black Lives Matter, hardware stores across middle America struggled to keep a supply of Old Glory’s new, politicized color scheme. Now, Conservative facebook groups are struggling to keep up with an ever-growing list of lives who matter most to patriots.

At first, the blue line was enough. It was well over three years before the memory of the firefighters who died on 9/11 led conservatives to include a red line.

“That was when we crossed the Rubicon into wokeness,” Charles Dade of Middlesburg, Ohio posted. “Why can’t I just fly a simple flag to support the police? Now everyone’s gotta get in on it.”

It was only one week after the addition of the red line that a green line was added to memorialize all the soldiers who have died to protect this proud country.

But that wasn’t enough to encompass the living sacrifices made by service members, sometimes meeting fates worse than death. So to signify for wounded warriors, the purple stripe was added.

Almost instantly after the pink stripe was adopted to memorialize the millions of babies that are aborted each year, controversy erupted all over facebook.

“We’re probably aborting thousands of future police officers, fire fighters, and soldiers every day, just out of a sinful lust for more and more fornication,” said Cindy Laudon of Arlington, Virginia.

However, other conservatives remarked that the pink stripe truly crossed into new and off-limits territory. “Aborted babies did not serve their country. I think abortion is wrong, but their lives do not matter enough to make it onto the flag,” said Charles Dade. “They did not serve their country.”

Finally, a yellow line was added to include intelligence agents and spies who have died serving our country by acting as our ears and eyes at home as well as overseas. Conspiracy communities reacted most strongly to the yellow line, seeing it as a blatant mockery that shows the entire flag to be nothing but manipulation.

Chris Jermaine posted angrily on reddit, saying, “Step by step they took our macho patriotism and twisted it into a feminine woke rainbow nightmare, and this CIA stripe is the proof, the final nail in the coffin for freedom in America. I’m burning my thin blue line flag TONIGHT!”

INTERNET — Die-hard conservative fans mourn the loss of Ali Abdul-Razaq Akbar, better known as Ali Alexander, who died from eating poisoned Taco Bell in a failed attempt to instigate a mass suicide at his South American “MAGA mega-city,” Alexandertown.

Nearly a thousand MAGA conservatives were bused and flown to Alexandertown, thinking they would find the utopia promised by Alexander. However, they only found themselves being used as human shields in Alexander’s flight from US authorities.

When Alexander announced his so-called mega-city, he promised fans, “I am going to create a society, and a community, and a culture, and a language,” but survivors say the world they found was only filled with fast food and strict Islamo-Catholic repression that one victim called the “Taliban lite.”

“I believe he was facing charges for organizing the insurrection on January 6th, and after moving to Alexandertown he’d caught wind that Brazil was ready to extradite,” Attorney Jay Leaderman told reporters. “It was set up to be another Jonestown, he was going to take his cult out with him. But luckily they were free thinkers and did not drink the koolaid, or in this case, eat the Taco Bell.”

In Alexander’s last moments, he reportedly sent out several now-deleted tweets and telegram messages praising ISIS and promising the most dedicated members of Alexandertown that the poisoned Taco Bell tacos were their key to eternal victory. “God Wins! Glory to MAGA. The final backup plan is readied. Taco Bell is The Last Supper, the Greatest Communion.”

Dominic Tabor spoke to reporters shortly after escaping Alexandertown, saying, “I don’t care for abortions, wokism, or the so-called free press, but when Ali banned pork I knew something was up. It’s one thing when they take my plastic straws, my gas stove, but pork? So I moved all the way to South America for this? Nobody ate those poisoned tacos because we were on a hunger strike to get our pork back. So we’ll get by without Ali. He had a lot of great ideas, but at the end of the day he didn’t understand America.”