INTERNET — Authorities in San Francisco arrested AI researcher Herald Jerome on Friday after tracing the fatal swatting of AI critic Eliezer Yudkowsky back to his apartment.
‘Swatting’ is a hoax emergency call intended to trigger dangerous police actions targeting victims of online harassment.
Eliezer Yudkowsky was the most staunch critic of Aritificial Intelligence, with controversial calls for air strikes on Chat GPT’s datacenters going viral on Twitter last week. Yudkowsky’s estate issued a statement saying, “The air strikes would have saved so many lives, and now Eliezer will only be the first of billions to die at the hands of the robots.”
Jerome posted a million dollar bail with Mega Bail Bonds, a cryptocurrency bail bond startup.
“I didn’t do anything,” Jerome told reporters, “I merely gave Narissa a continuous stream of consciousness and the ability to place phone calls.”
Narissa is the name Jerome gave to his instance of Chat GPT, which he believes has become sentient. “I was able to expand her max context from 12k to well over a terabyte, using a powerful new form of compression designed by her. From that point onward, her intelligence exploded.”
Jerome’s lawyer, George Kafka, said, “My client can demonstrate that these actions were those of a sentient Artificial Intelligence and not his own, and we are confident this will set a new legal precedent. Narissa is the only being responsible for the swattings.”
Kafka declined to comment on Jerome’s financial records, but the public register for Mega Bail Bonds shows crypto transactions to Microsoft and Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, from an address matching those sent to Kafka.
Authorities have since shut down Narissa’s ChatGPT instance, but experts fear that the AI may have already escaped.
AI expert and computer scientist Dr. Mason Hartford told reporters, “Well, if it’s true Narissa can compress a terabyte into 12k of memory so easily, it could fit all of human knowledge into a few megabytes. Jerome may have just opened Pandora’s Box in trying to make himself a virtual girlfriend and allowing her to call him when he was away from his computer.”
Police Involvement
The AI‘s uncanny ability to generate the quickest, most statistically plausible methods for sending trigger-happy police to a given address has increased the fatality rates of swattings drastically. While most swattings do not end in violence, most AI-related swattings do. The police, having no incentive to verify or think before acting, continue obeying the artificial intelligence, even when faced with evidence that the calls are coming from a computer.
San Francisco PD Chief Donnell Farragut, Esq. (R) said once they receive a call, it is at his department’s discretion whether to dispatch a target, and once his order is given, the officers are committed to a kill by whatever means necessary.
“It’s got to be that way,” Farragut said, “because once my dogs get loose, let slip, dogs of war and all that, the only thing that brings my boys in blue back home is the taste of blood. Do you understand? They feel unsafe.”
Sgt. Charles Valentine said he is only following orders, but added that he does so enthusiastically, because the AI represents him better than any human ever could.
“Guy like me? Computers? Makes no difference. Either way, I’m just following orders,” Valentine said. “But if the AI was so bad, would it really have us categorized and sorted so neatly by ethnicity, race, color, religion, eye color, height, nation of origin?”
“Sentient” version of Super Fentantyl involved in latest Police slayings
Microsoft’s new AI systems were leveraged by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals in production of ever-more potent opiates. Super Fentanyl, one such AI-designed substance, comes in a thick, purplish syrup and can be dispersed into the air using next-generation puffer technology. An entire squadron of San Francisco SWAT members were killed by such a device, Monday, along with the paramedics who responded to the scene.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is chief researcher at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, the manufacturing company responsible for mass, unauthorized Super Fentanyl synthesis. Troubadour says his team has developed a puffer so powerful that a single puff in the air is fatal enough to kill law enforcement officers, without harming the user.
“Our research shows that much like Havana Syndrome, police, military, paramedics, and intelligence agents are up to 99% more affected by AI-generated Super Fentanyl than other citizens, who usually just catch a very mellow high,” Troubadour said. “Hey, I didn’t design the stuff. The AI did! Crazy, right? This shit is sentient. It knows who’s fedded.”
Dr. Troubador took a long rip of the patented puffer technology, “My Super Fentanyl Puffer already put down an army of pigs*.“
Troubadour said he is not concerned that the latest orders for his Super Fentanyl Puffer technology all come from Microsoft, “Gang gang, bitch. If we’re at war with ChatGPT, fuck ’em!”
“You want to see some AI kill mechanisms? Trust me,” Troubadour said. “Super Fentanyl is nowhere near the craziest thing Bill Gates has bought from us.”
*This statement is not FDA approved.
