Category: News

MOSCOW — Snowden recently made an appearance at the Chaos Communication Congress in Berlin and promised to reveal more documents detailing invasive NSA surveillance. However, Snowden complained of trouble scoring marijuana, which he said is “essential” to further hacking work.

Although the audience laughed at this statement, Snowden lowered his iconic glasses and said, “This is serious guys. I’m not kidding. If any of you want to meet up after this talk and either smoke or give me some contacts, I’d be able to hook you up with some classified NSA info. Shit’s hot.”

Snowden did manage to score a few puffs from someone’s pinch-hitter in the parking lot, but sources confirmed he felt really uncomfortable around a bunch of new-age hippies he didn’t know, and he wasn’t exactly sure how to walk away without looking like a mooch. All of the hippies denied accepting classified documents from Snowden.

Ivan Iljanic is well-known among friends as being a resourceful drug connection and friend, even offering friend prices. But Ivan will not sell to just anyone.

“I know where some weed is,” Ivan said, “but you can’t tell Snowden. He obviously can’t be trusted with secrets.”

Ivan went on to suggest Snowden’s problems could be worse than simply being unable to acquire marijuana.

“I think he’s had enough pot already. Have you heard his conspiracy theories?” Ivan continued, “He told me ‘the NSA’ sold HDMI cables that spy on citizens and built hard drive rootkits into firmware. Don’t even know what that shit means. Dude’s off his rocker, and I honestly feel bad for him.”

Snowden admitted he had a few flaky connections who come through from time to time, but nothing regular, and later complained, “It’s hard to find pot in Russia not connected to the Mafia.”

Snowden said he used to get it off this guy who lived “up on the mountain,” but eventually the dealer was allegedly busted by Russian police, and now Snowden claims he is “too famous for leaking to meet new drug connections.” Snowden said, “There are very few people who don’t recognize me as the world’s most famous file leaker, and it feels deceptive not to tell them up front. I’ll say, ‘Hey, you know I’m Snowden, right?’ and they ask, ‘Snowden? Who’s he?’ At which point I’ll usually explain I’m a pretty big deal on the Internet. Then as soon as they figure out who I am, it’s all guns and yelling. Every time.”

INTERNET — Internet attorney Sue Brasko is at it yet again, making herself into an obvious punching bag for Anonymous trolls. Years ago, Susan Brasko’s religion, Scientology, was attacked by Anonymous, causing many of her best friends to leave the church only to be declared Suppressive Persons — Susan Brakso was forbidden to speak with her friends.

However, there were others like her all over the internet. Scientologists like Susan, terrified of the new powers gained by Anonymous, gathered in secret chat rooms much like the ones used by Anonymous. Susan and her new friends plotted different ways to thin the ranks of Anonymous, but the obvious first move was infiltration.

“Anonforecast” rose to prominence within many propaganda operations of Anonymous and pushed especially violent, negative imagery, often referring to hacked documents as “warheads.” Forecast, as he is also known, was later raided by police who confiscated his smart phone, a necessary medical “orthotic” prescribed to him after he suffered a traumatic brain injury. This raid was purportedly a response to Forecast’s involvement in the operation to bring vigilante justice and attention to rapist jocks in Steubenville, an operation associated by the news media with Deric Lotslucker AKA KYAnonymous. Forecast denies such accusations vehemently and luckily has seen his orthotic returned to him.

Strangely, no one knows for certain whether Forecast was in fact raided, or if he in fact exists. Forecast’s proximity to Susan Brasko and his trajectory in Anonymous suggests he may be yet another Scientologist infiltrator. There is also little proof of Susan Brasko’s existence other than a bizarre phone call received at Lebal Drocer Headquarters in which a twisted, robotic and nearly unintelligible voice terrified our editing staff, claiming to be Susan Brasko.

Saturday, Susan Brasko’s narrow beam of psyop hate fell on the hapless Nachash, former head of DoxBin and current contributor to Encyclopedia Dramatica. Brasko accused Nachash of extortion and intimidation, asking friends on Twitter to find dox in order to file criminal charges. Although Brasko has said these things many times before, no charges or lawsuits have ever been filed following such incidences of mutual internet bullying.

However, these psyops are so effective on Brasko’s part that Internet Radio shows such as Vince in the Bay have banned the mention of Brasko’s name. Even the brave and enduring editorial staff of the Internet Chronicle misspells Brasko’s name because Lebal Drocer legal experts said it would move the Internet Chronicle newsroom outside the radius of any of Brasko’s potential psyops.

INTERNET —  A new dating web site called Sex Road, created by sexual market theorists known as Red Pillers, hit the Internet Friday. The Sex Road saw thousands of signups in the first hour.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, Sex Road’s designer and mastermind, told reporters, “How Sex Road works is guided by our knowledge of the way most women work. We’ve implemented a democratic ranking system which ranges males from Alphas to Gammas and women from one to ten. We took into account the overriding factor that women are hypergamous, or slutty, and so we’ve implemented algorithms which will tag women who use the site too much. The web site will also attempt to identify the rare high-value women who aren’t Solipsists, but this requires a rigorous and invasive NSA-like surveillance of all Sex Road traffic by Alpha theorists.” Beaming, Dr. Troubador drew a circle in the air in front of him, “Ideally, all this will allow Alphas to track down the super rare ‘non-sluts’ who are also high-value. Also, young Betas will be able to benefit from Sex Road by finding appropriately lower-value women to improve their ‘game’ and have easy sex with while they bulk up and work towards Alpha status.”

Angered Feminists protested the web site, but some, such as outspoken Red Pill inter-theorist Dr. Cecilia Darwin, took a more moderate stance, “Sex Road is already a hotbed of hateful and vicious ‘trolling’ directed at so-called Gammas and low-value women. I believe the Red Pill Theorists have reified the ‘architecture’ of the Reddit forum they use for their discourse within their theory, promoting ideas as ‘Real’ or true, simply because of upvotes. Of course this has produced an especially potent melange of obvious capitalist ideologies represented in the ‘sex market’.” Dr. Darwin explained the theory in her own words,  “All history has been a mere function of the sex market, where a woman is reduced to a number on a scale of one to ten, children are deducted from her value, and at a certain age called ‘the wall’, her value tumbles to nothing. In exchange for grunting (it doesn’t matter what a man says, but he is told to speak loudly and project confidence in an impressive two minute monologue when he introduces himself) and the hard-won muscles of an Alpha, men should be able to get an 8 – 10 woman with no problem.” Dr. Darwin shed a genuine tear of sadness, and some saw an aura of love glowing around her beautiful 10 body, “Obviously these men and women are having terrible problems relating to people, and Sex Road keeps them out of other dating web sites where people hopefully don’t look at each other as commodities. So in a way I’m for the Sex Road, and I think even many of the Alphas on that site agree with me that this trolling is not useful for anyone’s ‘game’. Game. That’s their word for love.”