Category: News

INTERNET — Fans of the hacker ensemble Anonymous have long found a home at Vince in The Bay, an internet talk radio show where anything goes except on-air doxings and swattings (malicious tactics used by hackers to silence one another). The show’s host, Vince, recently lost weight and gained a seemingly new, more aggressive, persona.

Jeremy Hammond, an Anonymous hacker, was recently sentenced to 10 years in prison after going on a hacking spree guided by FBI turncoat and former Anonymous leader Sabu.  Fans of Vince in The Bay noticed general personality changes in the host, Vince, which seemed to climax in his spontaneous victim statement at Jeremy Hammond’s sentencing which Motherboard called “bizarre,” scare-quoting the word “‘victim.'”

Vince at first received accolades for trolling the proceedings, but then later claimed he had not actually been trolling the Hammond trial. Vince maintains that he was indeed swatted, doxed, pizza bombed, and Chinese Food bombed by the hacker ensemble Anonymous and its “Rustle League” offshoot. Vince demanded members of “Rustle League” apologize to Ron Brynaert, who faced the same strange persecutions as Vince, but then Vince was caught dodging questions about his use of testosterone supplements.

Anons Against YourAnonNews, a troupe of Anons defined by their opposition to the delayed distribution of mass-produced Anonymous merchandise provided by YourAnonNews, claimed Vince reconciled with Sabu before making his victim statement. Anons Against YourAnonNews also insinuated Vince most likely was Sabu all along.

However, conclusive hacking evidence unearthed by Anonymous sub-group GNAA reveals Vince in the Bay indeed regained his slim, muscular figure and aggressive masculine personality by purchasing testosterone supplements on the Silk Road 2, a bitcoin black market hosted on the Tor. One Anonymous GNAA Hacker said, “We’re worried Vince might be increasing his dosages to dangerous levels as he’s switched to the intravenous testosterone. It’s also possible he’s dealing the ‘T’ to local teenagers in order to finance his growing habit. Either way, we’re worried about this new slimmed down Vince. He’s unhinged.”

New “One Ring” Operating System terrifies audiences

[pullquote]One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.[/pullquote]INTERNET — Do you hear the sound of your mind being submerged in its unconscious? The psychic pulsing green beams of Google, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube (It’s your main man, Daym) are converging in a single beam that will finally blast Alderaan to pieces.

The challenge for operating system designers has been to merge all of these most popular services into one slick interface which is even more passive than a television.

The Anonymous Creator of The One Ring rose to this challenge, creating the first distributed cloud computed crypto-network to rule them all. The One Ring will be controlled by a secret algorithm which will zero in on and overdetermine your unconscious mind in a way that will not only allow you to buy the products most suited to you, but also challenge your perceptions about the Arabs in subtle ways.

Users of The One Ring report missing work and being unable to disconnect from endless feeds of Lolcats, Trollfaces (RIP cololo), and Miley’s new Sex Tape which recently aired on Cinemax.

Users of Diaspora have been the only people to resist use of The One Ring, and exist in a “Zion from Matrix” style world where they have not yet been sucked into the “False Reality” created by The One Ring.

When Diaspora came along, no one at the time could have predicted it would be the Litecoin of social networks. Now, the transmutation of popular opinion into popular action has usurped the need for contemplation, hesitation and even inaction, against all warnings of the great philosopher Sun Tzu.

Modified Memes inside The One Ring’s “+1” death spiral reportedly “enhance” themselves by adding political or religious symbols and other permutations in a “Naturally selected” ecosystem which enhances the addictive quality of The One Ring over previous data algorithm manipulations, like Facebook.

The “False” “”Reality”” theory of the One Ring Cloud Solution enables micropurchases at a baffling volume and scale. A shred of desire instantly manifests itself as the object in question, and no one is hungry. None thirsty. Conversely, no one is anything, once they become a part of The One Ring™ Cloud.

There is an ancient Icelandic Saga, long considered a work of fiction but now backed up by some archaeology, about a young boy abducted by Vikings and taken from the native population of Nova Scotia during their logging expedition from Greenland. Gar the Skraelinger was probably an Algonquin, but he was raised as a Viking in Iceland. At 15, Gar joined the elite company of Sven Forkbeard and raided as far as Miklagard, or Constantinople. Here, Gar the Skraelinger participated on a brave attack on Roman soldiers which earned his company a compliment from the Roman Emperor and a lucrative job. Gar served in the first Varingian Guard, an elite marine attack force composed of only the fiercest Viking Warriors. It is also written that Gar converted to Christianity upon visiting the Hagia Sophia.

Little more is known about Gar, but it is recorded he died heroically defending his ship during a portage on return north. In Iceland, remains from shortly after Gar the Skraelinger’s time have been found in a Christian burial. These remains are preserved well enough to show some genes from a likely North American source. However, Norse genes were also found, leading some to theorize Gar may have fathered at least one child.