An Alien Space Craft in Hollywood picked up Giorgio Tsoukalos Monday.
HOLLYWOOD — Giorgio Tsoukalos, host of Ancient Aliens, was reportedly picked up by a UFO Monday evening. Friends saw Tsoukalos ascending in a beam of light and changing strangely as he ascended. David Childress, expert in Shamanic abductions, said, “His head grew and grew, my God, it was terrible. He began to glow, it looked like his atoms were fusing. He became a ball of plasma or something, and several other balls of light were circling around, beaming him with some kind of radiation. They joined into one blinding, spheric thing that looked like a small sun. It shot off at an impossible speed.”
Friends earlier noticed electric anomalies and a static charge which stained the skin of Tsoukalos orange and made his hair stand up all the time. George Noory, host of Coast to Coast AM, said, “It was the weirdest thing. He told me once that he had been visited by balls of light, but he didn’t want to talk about it on the show. He said his brain had grown that night, years ago, and ever since then he’d interfere with electronic devices occasionally.”
Tsoukalos was later reached for interview, and said, “I can ascend and descend between the mortal realm and the Alien whenever I like, now, as many men in ancient history such as Jesus, Muhammad, and other great prophets. I have contacted the source of all, Aliens, and I can attest to the fact that all Ancient Alien theories are in fact truer than I ever imagined.”
Marijuana overdose claims another victim as high potency “dabs” push toxicity levels to a new high.
INERNET — Dustin Miller, famed MC known as D-Loc of the Kottonmouth Kings rap group, died Monday evening after taking a fatal dose of highly potent marijauna extract known colloquially as “dab.” Fellow Kottonmouth Kings member Daddy X told reporters, “Yo, D-Loc is up in heaven now, but all the little kiddies out there should be careful with this dab shit.” D-Loc reportedly smeared dab over a majority of his skin, absorbing a fatal dose of THC through his pores.
D-Loc’s estate has been disbursed to the Miller family and will fund drug prevention programs. D-Loc’s fashion line, Hostility Clothing, has been shut down even as collector interest has driven prices of the edgy suburban streetwear t-shirts and baseball caps to new highs.
D-Loc’s death from highly-processed marijuana comes on the heels of Chumlee of Pawn Stars recent death from excessive super-potent marijuana vaporization. Family groups across the nation will hold rallies to protest the “domino effect” of marijuana legalization which has taken our youngest and best new entertainment stars.
INTERNET — Everything you thought you knew about hacking is bullshit.
After years of living underground, in refuge from the whitehat warlords, blackhat hackers will finally be eliminated in what is being dubbed the “Blackhat Holocaust.” What was once a rich and vibrant scene has been co-opted by the far right-left corporatarians, meaning dollar bills, fellas. Your hats are meaningless in the eyes of governments and corporations alike. All of your ideas, inventions, theories, exploits are being freely(at a cost) distributed amongst the wealthy to piss in the collective pool with.
[pullquote]The NSA are the biggest blackhats, man.[/pullquote]
Your OPSEC is futile. You mull over the thousands of possibilities for event(x) out loud on twitter, while the blackhats laugh in the background. Such ugly schadenfreude; but their time has come.
The Internet Chronicles Chief Technology Officer and avid Biella Coleman fan, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador elaborates: “Blackhats aren’t Anonymous, they aren’t carders, script kiddies, packeteers or those owning Linode for fun. Nay, they are something far more villainous.”
For about 15 years now, people touted whitehats as the enemy of the hacking community at large, but the real harbinger of destruction was the peddling of a deluded belief that being a blackhat meant you could still work for the government, you could still be a corporate lackey, you’d have to sell your soul, but you could still write your exploits… though you’d have to sell those too. Everyone needs money though, right? We understand.
Is there a way to overthrow the omnipresent blackhat hegemony? Absolutely! You must learn the ways of the blackhat, become a blackhat hacker, immerse yourself in all things blackhat. Write as many exploits as possible. You will be challenged though, oh you will be challenged. This task is not for the faint at heart or wallet. With your exploits comes the potential for sale to nation-state actors that will use your own tools against you, your friends and loved ones. You will be lured in by unimaginable riches, the wealth of a thousand kingdoms and oh the power, the mother fucking power! However grandiose it all may seem, don’t fuck your fellow hackers and citizens in the ass. Just don’t fucking do it.
The blackhats will come to you in many forms. It will happen this way: you will be coding… maybe the last sunny day of fall and an encrypted message will be sent to you from someone you know, perhaps even trust, and they will offer a smile, a becoming smile, but they will leave open the door to becoming a true blackhat and offer to give you a lift…
For this day: release your exploits, tools, techniques, everything you’ve ever learned! Destroy all of your 0day via disclosure or distribute them amongst the poor and impoverished! Take the power you collected through your quest for great knowledge and destroy it in one fell swoop.
Cum on them before they cum on you.
And then create something beautiful.
I suppose it doesn’t matter though, guys and dolls, because there’s a war going on and this war is prefixed with “cyber,” fellas. Buyin’ in, sellin’ out.
