Category: News

INTERNET — Millions tuned in as canonical Star Wars characters including Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Rey Skywalker gathered together for an unusual collab over Zoom, speaking out against years of abuse.

“From a certain point of view, Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan would never lie about Vader. You want me to believe Little Ani never sensed that his own son’s force energies were in the trench of the Death Star while he was trying to shoot me down? It was bullshit. Why didn’t they add some sensing of each other into the special edition for some consistency, take out all the lies and distortions from Obi-Wan’s ghost.” Luke Skywalker pissed off the cliffs of his sequel hermit island and drank disgusting milks inside of his Jedi hovel, posting restlessly on social media from behind an account that is yet to be identified.

“I’m a cold blooded killer and criminal smuggler turned into a rebel, and I wouldn’t become a fed like Leia. That’s why we split up. That where I was meant to start, truly absorbed by a life of crime. Murdering Greedo as a matter of business. It was my transition to caring, and indeed loving, which made the romance click. I always shoot first, and Greedo never said Maclunky. How is anyone going to believe I shot second when I’m comically floating around like that, to dodge a laser? Never happened.” Han Solo said these last words as he was struck down by his evil son, who would then go on to die after saving Palpatine’s granddaughter from Palpatine zombie’s evil life-absorbing attack.

“I was nobody rather than a cliche chosen one like Luke. It was the one redeeming thing about my story, that I was simply any person living a life with adventure thrust upon me. You know it, I know it. I was never meant to be Palpatine’s granddaughter. That crap just makes my character far less special.” Rey returned to the desert after absorbing some more ridiculous force powers from her grandfather and her boyfrenemy. After some hard times and the death of BB-8, Rey sold her yellow lightsaber for 12 packets of nutrient paste.

Disney’s new trial of experimental “chaos theater” features short stories told over interactive Zoom meetings by AI-recreations of beloved Star Wars characters. The cutting-edge interactive AI storyteller is a green technology, designed to replace hundreds of disposable Baby Yoda creatures that must be grown individually for each shot in the Mandalorian series.

INTERNET — General Wei Fenghei, Commander of the Chinese Rocket Force, told reporters Saturday that Xi Jinping has been arrested for corruption and abuse of power after allegedly ordering Chinese troops onto Taiwanese soil. He is currently facing the death penalty, pending a military tribunal.

China’s military brass held a press conference to dispel rumors of martial law. “The People’s Liberation Army has arrested former President Xi for overstepping his powers in command the People’s Army,” Wei said. “Xi’s powers and responsibilities have been passed to his civilian counterparts, and his arrest has in no way transferred power to the military. Rumors of a coup or martial law can be immediately struck down, and there is no threat to the stability of government.”

General Wang Ning, commander of China’s Armed Police, stepped forward and said, “There is no need to be upset. Stay inside and resume business as usual.”

INTERNET — Josh Moon, controversial owner of the infamous KiwiFarms stalking and trolling website, was found dead in his Florida apartment, Wednesday, after facing years of backlash from Anonymous, the LGBTQ community, and Keffals.

Moon’s assets were released to Jim Watkins, dear friend and former employer, who promised to continue fighting the losing battle to keep the KiwiFarms community going. Watkins is the owner of the notable conspiracy hate site, 8kun.

Police Coroner Whitey MacGuffin said, “Man, I never seen a cadaver like that. He strangled himself with a LAN cable and had carved Keffal’s twitch URL all over his body, ‘http’ and everything. They were all bruised up too, like he’d been clicking on himself relentlessly, thousands and thousands of times.”

In spite of the unusually gruesome and specific police statements, fans of the hate site spun up numerous conspiracies to retell the death of Moon to better suit their political agenda.

“I think that he was poisoned to death by Keffal’s homemade hormone cocktails. They slipped it into his water supply, into his food. That’s why he bitched out at the end, acting so gay,” said Dynastia, former KiwiFarms admin. “I still can’t believe he let the Internet have power over him like that, like he was a lolcow.”