Emotional moments before Senator Davis’ untimely demise.
WASHINGTON, DC — Fans mourn the loss of Texas senator Wendy Davis as the news reels trickled in this morning. After amassing support from not only Texas democrats throughout her years as a politician, she managed to garner a hefty klout score last night as her awe inspiring anti-abortion bill filibuster ran for 11 hours straight.
While the Texas senator was in good shape, dawning pink Nike crossfit training shoes to keep her buoyant on her final dance floor, she could not outrun the angry mob of rubes awaiting her outside the senate floor who tweeted furiously #StandWithWendy, collapsing Davis under the weight of her own eFame.
“She was a total fighter,” said Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Action Fund and champion kick-boxer. “She’ll be missed around the gym, that much is certain.”
After a recent apology for racism, Paula Deen lost her Food Network contract and has now committed suicide.
SAVANNAH, Ga. — Fans mourn the loss of Paula Deen, aged 66, who was found dead Tuesday morning after suffering a ruptured stomach. A suicide note was found by family members, which outlined her intention to eat herself to death and also contained many instances of the epithet “nigger-lovers.” This comes on the heels of a damning lawsuit which accused Deen of hiring an all-black staff for a “Southern-Style Wedding” and repeatedly using racial epithets. As a result of her honest apology, Deen was fired from Food Network.
Police say Deen ate “hundreds” of her own pre-packaged desserts which are sold at Wal-Mart and feature her face on the labeling. Investigators said, “We aren’t sure whether or not Deen suffered from a fatal stroke related to her Diabetes before or after her stomach burst. Coroners have said it’s possible that she first died from eating too much sugar, and then suffered the stomach rupture post mortem.”
On Christmas day of 2011, Chronicle.SU was first to raise massive public suspicion about a very influential Anonymous “Leader,” Sabu. Fans of Anonymous, including Barrett Brown, denied and laughed off these claims with vicious accusations of “trolling.” Sabu was later outed as an agent of the FBI by Fox News in March of 2012, and his cooperation led directly to the arrests of Jeremy Hammond and Jake Davis.
In the past week, the story of Joseph Snowden has unraveled in ways which are much different than the tale of Sabu and even more bombastic, despite the fact that stories about similar wiretapping date as far back as 1988.
In my already very inflated opinion, the story of Snowden is far more suspicious and full of more horrifying “red flags” (Dramatic headline?) than the case of Sabu. Skeptics such as Naomi Wolf have been mocked and labeled conspiracy theorists by Snowden supporters for saying similar things.
Snowden has made very few documents available to the public, unlike Bradley Manning. He has said this is because he doesn’t want to threaten the security of the United States, despite the fact that one of his latest disclosures revealed vital details of American espionage operations in China, something which is arguably far more damaging for U.S. security than anything Manning leaked.
Snowden, unlike most other leakers, acted against his own interests and didn’t remain anonymous. Snowden responded to questioning with boggling statements, “I think that the public is owed an explanation of the motivations behind the people who make these disclosures that are outsideof the democratic model. When you are subverting the power of government, that’s a fundamentally dangerous thing to democracy. And if you you do that in secret consistently, y’know, as the government does when it wants to benefit from a secret action that it took, it’ll kind of give its officials a mandate to tell the press about this thing and that thing, so the press is on our side.” (Video) While hiding from prosecution in Hong Kong, Snowden also said, “I have no intention of hiding who I am because I know I have done nothing wrong.”
Snowden first approached the Washington Post before contacting Glenn Greenwald, the much-loved internet pundit known for lionizing WikiLeaks — certainly not someone who is known for reporting on anything but his own opinion (not that he isn’t perfectly capable of reporting). Snowden refused to work with the Washington Post because his contact there could not publish the first story within 72 hours.
Snowden is taking a world tour of the most hated enemies of America still present in popular memory. Joe Sixpack makes no distinction between Hong Kong and China or between Russia and the Soviet Union.
Snowden claimed that he got the job at Booz Allen with the intent of leaking documents, which conflicts with his narrative that he was just a concerned guy who saw some bad stuff. Before working at Booz Allen, Snowden worked for the CIA.
Whether or not you believe any of this points to a false-flag triple-agent mindfuck conspiracy scenario, I have little doubt that Snowden has brought forth enormous boons — for a government that is ever in search of new demons to sacrifice for internet control.
