Category: News

MOSCOW — Edward Snowden’s body has been discovered, dead, after an explosion at the Ecuadorian embassy in Moscow on Sunday. Witnesses claim they saw a missile streak into the Ecuadorian embassy after sightings of a small, buzzing, airborne vehicle. Several of Snowden’s supporters outside the embassy were wounded by debris, and at least twelve ambassadors were also killed in the attack. The numbers are expected to rise as more accurate reports come in.

Government officials around the world have begun the first stages of a military alliance against American imperialism, and several long-time American allies have condemned the U.S. for violating the sacred status of diplomacy. President Obama held a press conference, saying, “This was not an American drone. None of our drones have the capability to strike at the heart of Moscow, and besides, we have safeguards to prevent this kind of thing from happening.”

MOSCOW — In what may go down as one of the most treasonous acts in the history of the United States, Edward Snowden has fled to Moscow en route to Venezuela in order to avoid prosecution for leaks that his supporters claim can’t possibly damage American security interests. “Either he will stay in Russia for the rest of his life, or we will reroute his flight from Venezuela to Guantanamo Bay using F-22 Raptors,” said President Obama in a private conversation leaked and tweeted by Snowden.

Snowden first revealed a massive surveillance program that allegedly targeted American citizens, which was followed by denials from President Obama and other officials. For much of the public, this confirmed their worst fear that the government could, in some cases, eavesdrop on telephone and internet conversations without warrant and trigger criminal investigations.

In his second round of leaks, Snowden uncovered crucial details of American espionage programs targeting China. In spite of this, Snowden supporters maintained he has not damaged American security. Pro-Snowden pundits like Glen Greenwild have pointed out that espionage operations in China are “illegal,” just like all espionage ever, and Snowden’s benefactors refuse to believe this kind of disclosure is an act of espionage with or without treasonous intent.

WASHINGTON — Just a day after espionage charges were filed against whistleblower Edward Snowden, President Obama held a press conference to publicly issue a pardon clearing Snowden of all wrongdoing. “The NSA wasn’t just spying on folks at home,” said the President, “But they’ve been spying on me and members of congress, blackmailing us left and right.” President Obama went on to say, “I still occasionally enjoy a marijuana cigarette once in a while, and the NSA thought that would be enough to shut me up. Well, not anymore.”

Secret service agents clashed with private defense contractors at the NSA datacenter in Bluffdale, Utah. Early reports suggest 74 men were killed and hundreds injured, but the NSA is now firmly in Obama’s grips.

Snowden has refused to return to the U.S., and issued a statement from his new office at MSS headquarters in Wuhan that he would remain in exile until things had “cooled off” back home.