INTERNET–Monday, Google’s popular Gmail e-mailing and chat service was taken down for several hours by the Anarchist Hacking Collective known as Anonymous. Barrett Brown, former spokesperson for the group, retweeted the information necessary to knock Gmail offline and has been detained by Federal Prosecutors.
Anonymous immediately denied responsibility for the attack on Gmail before finding out that no one knew who perpetrated the attack, thus making it a legitimately Anonymous attack. “No one knows who did it,” said Google security executive Angstrom H. Troubador. “It’s totally Anonymous”
Angered Gmail users lashed out at prominent Anonymous Twitter accounts, only to find themselves the target of a bullying campaign unlike anything seen since Amanda Todd was forced to suicide.
Assange has slowly lost grip on reality from the confines of the Ecuadorean Embassy in London.
[pullquote]”I was like a personal sex slave.”[/pullquote]LONDON–Julian Assange’s former personal assistant, now also a spurned lover, gave the Internet Chronicle exclusive details of her sordid affair with the Wikileaks spokesperson–all of which took place within the Ecuadorean embassy. “We’d do meth all day and all night, mainlining it straight into our thighs so as not to alert the Ecuadorean ambassador. That’s why Assange appears completely collected in some interviews and totally out of it in others,” said the anonymous ex-lover and assistant.
Ecuadorean officials recently stated concern that Assange is suffering medical complications related to his confinement in the embassy, and suggested that this is a human rights issue. The anonymous lover said, “He’s been driven to paranoia and ill-health by all the methamphetamine–he called it the mega sex juice–that I smuggled in to him. We injected all the time and fucked around the clock. Sometimes even while he was tweeting! It was great fun, but then he began to suspect I was part of the conspiracy against him.”
As Assange’s stay in the confining embassy wore on, increasingly he directed his energy in a fight against the concerted smear campaign he believed was being perpetrated by every single newspaper in the western world. This paranoid mindset was too much for the relationship. Said the ex-assistant, “We were both really fucked up on meth, and I made a joke about recording him–like I was wearing a wire. He threw me out in a rage, and we haven’t spoken since. He barely tweeted for well over a week. It was the meth withdrawal.”
When asked about whether the nature of their professional relationship in any way shaped their personal encounters, the anonymous ex-lover said, “At first I was just his assistant. I brought him meth, food, washed his clothes–basically did everything for him. It paid well, and he was definitely my boss. Looking back, I do believe he exploited his position of power for sexual ends. Yes, it was definitely far beyond sexual harassment. I was like a personal sex slave.”
Guy Fieri limply holds onto the microphone at the national Homophobia Awareness Association’s yearly meeting. Source: Wikileaks
NEW YORK–Monday, Guy Ferry–known to television viewers as Guy Fieri (pronounced fee-eddy)–was hospitalized for life-threatening anal fissures. Anal fissures are tears in the rectum usually caused by vigorous insertions of increasingly large or strangely-shaped foreign objects without proper lubrication or training.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, proctologist, said “These kind of deep anal fissures are often fatal if not treated, and may take many months of painful bowel movements to heal. Needless to say, Guy will want to take it easy on ‘off the hook’ spicy foods for a long time.”
Ferry’s new restaurant, Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar in Times Square, was lambasted in a viral, scathing review from Paul Wells of the New York Times. Guy fired back by going on the Today Show and complained to Savannah Guthrie about the reviewer’s “agenda” –while making cheap excuses for the bad food and accepting some measure of responsibility.
INTERNET–Monday, Google’s popular Gmail e-mailing and chat service was taken down for several hours by the Anarchist Hacking Collective known as Anonymous. Barrett Brown, former spokesperson for the group, retweeted the information necessary to knock Gmail offline and has been detained by Federal Prosecutors.
