Category: News

Shit happens.

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World

INTERNET SENSATION CHRIS-CHAN FOUND DEAD IN HENRICO COUNTY JAIL CELL AFTER APPARENT SUICIDE

Chris Chan died of an apparent suicide, Saturday, after being placed in a misgendered jail cell.

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Christine Weston Chandler AKA “Chris-Chan,” after she was found dead in a Henrico County jail cell from an apparent suicide. Chris Chan was misgendered and placed in the male section of the jail by the prison staff.

Chris-Chan rose to fame after creating Sonichu, a character which is a combination of video game icons Pikachu and Sonic.

Fans held a vigil outside of Chris-Chan’s residence in “CWCville.”

Frederika Dumont told reporters, “I am one hundred percent on this: They Epstein’d CPU Blueheart Sonichu [Chris-Chan] to prevent the dimensional merge. It was almost here but now the herald has been assassinated. We mourn not only for CPU Blueheart, but for the failure of the dimensional merger. Chris-Chan will live on, on the other side, inside of Sonichu’s immortal body.”

Followers of Chris-Chan considered the former body of Chris-Chan to be inhabited by a feminine manifestation of “Sonichu” known as CPU Blueheart. The arrival of CPU Blueheart was only the first setp in the merger of fiction and reality which will purge all evil out of this world.

“Sonichu just doesn’t understand this reality… She’s gone mad with power after entering into the body of such a famous person, and what happened with Barb, it was a misunderstanding,” Dumont said. “You try living inside of this dimension, and following its norms, after you’ve spent a millennia as the icon of a wish-fulfillment fantasy world!”

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News

Content Creator Fills Void with Anything

Content Creator fills empty computer network with exciting new anything.

INTERNET–The gaping maw of Silicon Valley media platforms swallowed a faceless nameless man, Tuesday, as he attempted to join in on content creation.

“I thought I’d just do anything and put it online. Photos, streams, videos, memes, anything,” the nameless man said to his nonexistent audience, as he followed the tried and true advice of content creators who came before him.

No one anywhere heard him.

The faceless nameless man, now voiceless, said, “What is content anyway? It’s a nice word for filler, for anything at all. Something to drive up engagement. Engagement? It’s an eternal focus group, a mere surface, a veil under which, perhaps, some humanity still remains.”

Now to an audience of one, or perhaps it was only his blank reflection, the faceless nameless man found anything at all, and declared, “This is my brand, at long last. I have filled the void for one. I have become contained, engaged, and analyzed. This is success, at long last.”

If one heard this declaration, it was not understood, but that was not the point. He only need be heard, to fill the empty container, and engagement had begun.

Now to thousands, the nameless faceless voiceless and soul-vitiated man said, “It is thanks to you, my friends, that I can afford to do this, to be contained successfully and to engage with you each day. My popularity is proof of success, and my success is proof of my name. My face, my voice, and yes, my soul are now proven. They are established. You may no longer deny my humanity, for these things are not mine, but yours, and to deny them would be to deny yourselves.”

He was heard, and perhaps this time there was an understanding, but it did not matter. The container was now full, the audience engaged.

The audience pecked at their keyboard, swiped at their touch screen, clicked at their mouse. They beat away at the same inside jokes that never had a meaning to begin with and threw money around like it was going to hurt them, and sometimes because it would hurt them. They were feeling anything.

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News World

Peasants from around the world want to know: “Who protects the US from abusive cops?”

Because they are used to living in lawless expanse, peasants in developing nations around the world appear to look down on America’s cop crisis with dimwitted superiority.

[Editor’s Note: Sometimes people go online and make shit up]

In their own words, the peon masses submitted their remarks to the Internet Chronicle to pose a timely rhetorical question. We read them, and interpreted them for you here.

  • a peasant in vietnam once asked me if we had a People’s army in the US, I said no, and she was like “what do you have” and I said “you would literally die if i told you”
  • a peasant in newsbekiztan once asked if we had a People’s Army in the United States. I said no, and she was confused because she’s a fucking peasant and I answered her in English
  • a peasant in Myanmar once asked me if we had military coups in the US. I said no, and she was confused because we facilitate coups around the world
  • a piece of bark floating on the surface of an artificial lake asked if we had a People’s Army in the US. I said no, and it got confused and asked, “then who protects you from abusive cops?” bark has no concept of public policy
  • a simple, pissant, subhuman peon asked if we had a People’s Army in the US. I said no, and she was confused because I projected nobility onto her blank, ignorant expression
  • Little haji in the desert once asked if we have a People’s Army in the US. I said uhhh no? He looked confused as to why I would be so snide toward a starving child with a distended belly. He said “then who protects you from racist cops?”

Peasants might not be educated like us, but they’re so wise!