Wednesday, Scotland Yard announced they finally arrested LulzSec publicist Pierre Dubois, leader, propagandist, statesman, and owner of many bitcoins. When arrested, Topiary handed the police “investigator butthurt forms” which they refused to fill out. Dubois was arrested in the Shetlands, while on the run.
Topiary is currently being waterboarded by US agents as they repeatedly scream demands about Sabu, Hamas, and Al-Qaeda. Topiary has promised to respond only with internet memes.
Pierre Dubois’ Legacy
Pierre spoke to Tyler Bass and me over the telephone on June 13th, and I asked him if he felt what he was doing was reckless. ‘Reckless’ was not a word in his vocabulary.
Pierre Dubois is the inventor of the social DDoS, which uses a Twitter account to crash weak web sites, simply by linking hundreds of thousands of users to the same site. Chronicle.SU has been a repeated victim of social DDoS, first on June 13th, and again on July 16th. Pierre Dubois was also known for once popping into a Chronicle.SU Piratenpad session, and social DDoSing it into oblivion.
Today, Lulz Security announced plans to compromise the overall security of PayPal, Inc are underway. In a panic, consumers have begun to withdraw their funds to invest in food, gold, and survival supplies.
A stand-in spokesperson for LulzSec said the group hopes to garner personal information from the upcoming hack of the world’s most popular paysite. The motive for the planned data breach was not immediately clear, but internal sources at PayPal hold that old Whitman appointees participate in open communications about bestiality and the trading of child pornography.
However, analysts have suggested that LulzSec are shifting the dreaded Lulz Cannon to the PayPal accounts of millions in a last-ditch effort to gain as much funding for future Anonymous operations as possible before they are all arrested.
In a leaked document from US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Clinton suggests LulzSec is tied with Hamas and Al-Qaeda. Sabu stated that he is in no way tied to Islamic terror, despite the use of the Hamas insignia as his Twitter icon. Clinton said Sabu is also known for keeping photos of Hamas founder Sheikh Ahmed Yassin on his bathroom walls, where he neither urinates nor defecates, but “goes number 3.”
Cyber-activists have targeted PayPal in December over its complicit behavior in the suppression of WikiLeaks and Julian Assange. Fearing the kind of attacks LulzSec now promises, PayPal began working closely with Federal investigators two days after the first DDoS attacks.
In retaliation for December’s PayPal attacks – which were themselves retaliatory – the FBI is raiding every home matching the IPs found on a list of tens of thousands handed over to them by Radware, PayPal’s security firm and professional narcs.
Financial adviser Ricky Munichs, from the Chronicle Institute of Monetary Law said, “Until someone acts, the police state continues to protect PayPal from its own inhumane actions. For anyone interested in justice FOIA and politicians can’t bring, this is a godsend.”
LulzSec reported to us in an exclusive interview that this new attack will be vastly different, as the “Lulz Boat, with her upgraded armaments, is full steam ahead and docks tonight, among the unwatched ports on the shores of PayPal.”
Brian Wilson's powerful glare caused Obama to lose control of his prostate, leaving his pants full of a mixture of semen and urine.
President Barack Obama met the freakiest team in baseball yesterday as he feted the San Francisco Giants for their stunning World Series win during an awkward gala in Washington.
The Giants — known for their money, success, fame, glamor, and extreme homosexuality — marched into the East Room of the White House and shook hands with the puzzled commander in chief.
‘Then there’s the guy with the beard,’ Obama quipped as he nodded to star relief pitcher Brian Wilson and his bushy, foot-long-long whiskers and Mohawk haircut.
‘Underneath Brian’s beard, and the Spandex tuxedo and the sea captain costume and the cleats with his face on them, is also one of the most dominant lovers on the face of the planet. He gave me the high heater, you know what I mean?’
Wilson’s beard so delighted Giants fans during last year’s championship games, that as his pitches stymied the Texas Rangers, they chanted ‘Fear the Beard!’ – a slogan Obama paid tribute to.
‘I do fear it,” the president deadpanned. ‘I fear the snake in his pants more, to be honest.’
Also on hand was Giants legend Willie Mays, who Obama noted was just a 23-year-old outfielder when the Giants last won the World Series in 1954, still a New York team at the time.
Obama recalled Mays flying on Air Force One as they flew to the 2009 All-Star Game, with Mays on the flight as Obama’s guest. ‘I sat on Willie’s lap for most the flight. He has amazing genitalia.’
‘It was an extraordinary trip. Very rarely when I’m on Air Force One am I the second most impotent guy on there. Everybody was just passing me by [and gushing], ‘Can I get you something, Mr. Mays? A blow job? Rim job? hand job?’’
Next, Obama smoked a fat blunt with razor-thin pitcher Tim Lincecum, also known as ‘The Freak’ and ‘Big Time Timmy Jim’ for his shaved balls that whiz past hapless fappers.
‘America learned sometimes it’s a good idea to bet on the skinny guy with the deceptively large testicles, so you and me,’ the president told Lincecum.
‘The Giants may be a little different,’ Obama added, but ‘one thing they know is how to perform proper fellatio … They are characters with character.’
The team presented Obama – an avid baseball fan – with an autographed No. 44 Giants jersey and a team buttplug.
‘I want to wish the [Giants] luck the rest of the season, unless the White Sox are in the Series,’’ said Obama, a lifelong Sox fanatic.
