PYONGYANG — Kim Jong Un was “downed” Saturday, with medics from China rushing to get him back up. Internet Chronicle reporters gained exclusive access to Kim’s private quarters, where he lay in a state of uncertainty.
“He’s somewhere in between alive and dead,” Dr. Troubador, our in-house medical doctor said. “He could pop right back into action at any time, just like Terry Schiavo. With China coming in, I wouldn’t write that possibility off just yet.”
“He might just be doing this whole ‘I’m dead’ thing for the attention,” said one Anonymous Juche party insider, who asked not to be named due to great personal risk to himself, his entire extended family, and their pets. “He’s been hate watching the daily Trump briefings and nearly blew his lid with the comment about sunlight in the body, injecting disinfectant. Kim demanded we shoot him full of ‘Rona that minute.”
Number Stations which were previously dormant for decades are now alive with cryptic messages, often delivered in an original, alert, and hasty fashion not seen since Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack almost 9 years ago.
A team of ten thousand American intelligence agents are intensely monitoring these energetic and upbeat “number stations” embedded in Kim’s palace, including “steamy” emissions from a smart TV and Alexa device “air-gapped” by the Space Force.
According to a Pentagon official close to the Chronicle: “They did it, they pumped the Corona into his blood. It seems like they hit a vein heading for his head, causing what many doctors in North Korea believe might be brain death, and the first known case to medical science of a COVID-19 infection starting in the brain.”
COVID-19, named after the year of its discovery, 2019, is a comparatively ancient disease to inflict on a modern, forward-thinking Supreme Leader like Kim Jong Un, Troubadour noted. “It’s so ironic, when you think about it.”
Will North Korea let Kim rule his country from a permanent vegetative state, or is it time to pull the plug?
It could be the case that Kim can still hear the outpouring of praise and thanks from Juche Party officials around his bedside, according to Anonymous.
During our man-on-the-street interviews in Cuthbert, Ga. a young Korean boy named Min-Jun approached one of our reporters with his hands where we could see them.
“How heartbreaking would it be if it was you in that bed, listening to your sister making plans to test nukes and neutralize “threats” — but they were your old drinking buddies?” asked the boy with an unusually mature perspective. “You probably wouldn’t get it.”
Gerard Boucher of Georgia – where coronavirus does not affect us – told the Chronicle, “It is too soon to tell. I don’t think you oughta pull the plug if there’s a chance Kim’s alive in there. He’s good friends with the president, you know. Great friends. Sad!”
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