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Pentagon declassifies footage of UFOs getting the hell away from Earth

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Pentagon has declassified breathtaking video footage that clearly shows UFOs getting the absolute fuck away from the Earth as fast as scientifically possible.

In this previously leaked footage, Navy Cmdr. David Fravor and his massive unit were sent to check out strange, unidentified objects descending from 80,000 to 20,000 feet, and then disappearing. After several failures, the crew excitedly gets a lock on one of the targets, a rotating “tic tac” shaped UFO, allowing the camera to follow the otherworldly visitor until it left the Earth in its dust, man.

Fravor said he had not seen a vessel moving away from an object at that speed since Prince Andrew’s final departure from the Buckingham Palace.

The Duke, seen here leaving Buckingham Palace, makes the ‘now everyone knows I rape kids’ face.

“I can tell you, I think it was not from this world,” Fravor told Internet Chronicle. “I’m not crazy, haven’t been drinking. After 18 years of flying, I’ve seen pretty much about everything that I can see in that realm, and this was nothing close. Not to mention, they did not seem at all impressed with Earth, and left in the fastest hurry I have ever seen.”

Video footage shows UFOs getting the hell out of Dodge.

What were they running away from?

For some reason the aliens want nothing to do with us, Dr. Angstrom Troubadour mansplained from the Lebal Drocer Planetarium in Tour D’ivoire.

Maybe they find our alien atmosphere unsuitable, Troubadour hypothesized. Maybe we are just too far from the nearest neighboring star.

Maybe they hate our freedom, and couldn’t hack it here.

We have no idea what it could possibly be.

“Whatever. They’ll be back.”

— Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Lebal Drocer

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KIM JONG UN DOWNED

PYONGYANG — Kim Jong Un was “downed” Saturday, with medics from China rushing to get him back up. Internet Chronicle reporters gained exclusive access to Kim’s private quarters, where he lay in a state of uncertainty.

“He’s somewhere in between alive and dead,” Dr. Troubador, our in-house medical doctor said. “He could pop right back into action at any time, just like Terry Schiavo. With China coming in, I wouldn’t write that possibility off just yet.”

Kim currently looks like this, only on his back now, with eyes closed.
Kim currently looks like this, only on his back now, with eyes closed.

“He might just be doing this whole ‘I’m dead’ thing for the attention,” said one Anonymous Juche party insider, who asked not to be named due to great personal risk to himself, his entire extended family, and their pets. “He’s been hate watching the daily Trump briefings and nearly blew his lid with the comment about sunlight in the body, injecting disinfectant. Kim demanded we shoot him full of ‘Rona that minute.”

Number Stations which were previously dormant for decades are now alive with cryptic messages, often delivered in an original, alert, and hasty fashion not seen since Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack almost 9 years ago.

A team of ten thousand American intelligence agents are intensely monitoring these energetic and upbeat “number stations” embedded in Kim’s palace, including “steamy” emissions from a smart TV and Alexa device “air-gapped” by the Space Force.

According to a Pentagon official close to the Chronicle: “They did it, they pumped the Corona into his blood. It seems like they hit a vein heading for his head, causing what many doctors in North Korea believe might be brain death, and the first known case to medical science of a COVID-19 infection starting in the brain.”

COVID-19, named after the year of its discovery, 2019, is a comparatively ancient disease to inflict on a modern, forward-thinking Supreme Leader like Kim Jong Un, Troubadour noted. “It’s so ironic, when you think about it.”

Will North Korea let Kim rule his country from a permanent vegetative state, or is it time to pull the plug?

It could be the case that Kim can still hear the outpouring of praise and thanks from Juche Party officials around his bedside, according to Anonymous.

During our man-on-the-street interviews in Cuthbert, Ga. a young Korean boy named Min-Jun approached one of our reporters with his hands where we could see them.

“How heartbreaking would it be if it was you in that bed, listening to your sister making plans to test nukes and neutralize “threats” — but they were your old drinking buddies?” asked the boy with an unusually mature perspective. “You probably wouldn’t get it.”

Gerard Boucher of Georgia – where coronavirus does not affect us – told the Chronicle, “It is too soon to tell. I don’t think you oughta pull the plug if there’s a chance Kim’s alive in there. He’s good friends with the president, you know. Great friends. Sad!”

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals. Lockdown and chill, with Colloidal CoronaLung TERRORMAX. Put the sunlight INSIDE of the body – It’ll take your breath away!

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A MESSAGE FROM WALLY F WAINWRIGHT OF GREAT PLAINS, MONTANA

Corona doesn’t affect me, simp

You don’t understand true pestilence, true oppression. You are just following the herd, as always.

Sheeple

The government is pushing to take over the world and force you into oppression. Meanwhile, I am free to do whatever I wish, because I do not believe in Corona.

I am an atheist

Enjoy your toilet paper, while it lasts. Corona is just another religion created to control you with fear.

Social distancing? This is just to create population control. I won’t stand in line on your stupid boxes.

I stand outside the box

I am above the box. I don’t need to wash my hands. I don’t need to stay at home.

I DO AS I PLEASE

Wear your stupid masks, you idiots. Rub your hand with sanitizer until the skin peels away. I will still be standing when you are all culled. I can see through this matrix and this illusion.

I AM THE ONE